Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw

Frank Lloyd Wright is the Architect to me. From

Frank Lloyd Wright is the Architect to me. From

I noticed that the Penguins are playing on NBCS in 30 minutes by the time I start this review. This is going to be a long night after a late start.

Randy Orton comes down to an ovation from the rest of the Authority so long as they’re not named HHH & Stephanie. Kane officially welcomes him back. Big Show gets to follow his act. Jamie Noble isn’t cool with Orton. Joey Mercury isn’t cool with Orton either. Seth Rollins sells Orton really being in The Authority. Rollins gets a laugh from me when he bags on Big Show. Orton starts to wonder allowed what happened to the Authority. Orton ends with his plan straight to Rollins’s face. Orton then pretends he was just messing around. I may not like it, but they are really selling this angle.

Bad News Barrett is taking on Daniel Bryan. R Truth is so good on the head set, we’ve got him there for a third straight program. He isn’t that funny. Barrett finally catches my attention when he knees Bryan in the clinch. Naturally a break happens immediately after. Barrett gets a two after a middle rope suplex. Running Knee out of nowhere for the win. According to the WWE totem pole, Barrett is a jobber compared to Bryan. Bull Hammer Elbow on Bryan during his celebration. Dean Ambrose comes out for his match and decks Barrett in the process.

He is fighting Stardust. We still haven’t had enough R Truth. Ambrose nails a suicide dive onto Stardust. He catches Ambrose coming back into the ring. Dirty Deeds on Stardust not long after a break. Barrett and Bryan come out. Luke Harper joins the fray. Dolph Ziggler is the last man out. We get the full compliment of finishers except for R Truth who stole the belt again. Truth hood winked Barrett and gave him a fake title. None of the announcers saw that coming.

Paul Heyman comes out to send us to a video package. He then introduces Brock Lesnar. Heyman tells us that the video package was all propaganda. Heyman reminds us that Reigns won’t win at Wrestlemania. Heyman warns the Authority that if they try a Montreal Screwjob, they won’t live through the night of Wrestlemania. Heyman mentions the UFC which gets a rise from the crowd. Bray Wyatt has to resurrect The Undertaker. Hilarious line. Lesnar is awesome at staring. Bray Wyatt has to follow that line? Wyatt wonders where the Undertaker is. He tells Taker to find him.

Ryback & Erick Rowan are taking on Kane & Big Show. Kane gets to boot Ryback to change momentum. Show gets in and spears Ryback. Show gets to chop him. Rowan gets to come in to do the sell job. Big Show accidently punches Kane. Rowan pins him for the win. Biggest win yet for Rowan. Big Show & Kane bicker until Stephanie comes out. Steph agrees with Orton’s assessment of their performance. She tells them to leave the arena.

The Miz gets to brag to Wiz Khalifa. Wiz isn’t sure if he can work with someone who does those types of commercials. We get the debut of Damien Wizdow. He spits rhymes.

I buzzed thru Wiz Khalifa singing because I am really late.

Brie & Nikki Bella were on the Flintstones. AJ & Paige are going to be rubble. Stone age. Yabba Dabba Do. That’s terrible material. AJ Lee is taking on Summer Rae. Paige is at ring side for AJ. Cameron & Eva Marie are there for Summer. She got the upper hand on AJ early. Summer nailed the high spin kick. AJ locks in the Black Widow for the win.

John Cena “accidentally” runs into Rusev & Lana back stage. Cena goes serious about his love for the US and threatens to kick Rusev’s ass on principle. Curtis Axel gets to take on Rusev after a break. The Accolade. Cena and Rusev get into a fight. Cena locks in the STF. Why didn’t he hold onto this hold during their match. Rusev is out. Cena wakes him up with water then lock in the STF again. Lana gives Cena a match at Wrestlemania.

Lana and Rusev are arguing back stage. The New Day still exists. They are taking on the Cesaro & Tyson Kidd. Natalya is in tow. Kidd starts against Xavier Woods. The Lady told me how ugly Kidd was during the majority of this match. Nattie distracts Kidd. Woods rolls up Kidd for the win. No team has had more shitty wins than the New Day. The Usos show up with Naomi. She is taking on Natalya.

After the break, Nattie is in control. She drop kicked her after throwing her down. Naomi flips Nattie into the turn buckles. The Usos take out Cesaro & Kidd. Rear View for the win. Who else smells a three way title match at Wrestlemania? Oh no, Los Matdores are going to be involved. I forgot they were on the roster. I feel like I saw El Torito recently. Don’t remember why. The match structure tonight has been strange. Second match started after the end of another in the same segment. Los Matadores are in control after the break. Double cross body leads to the tag drama. Jimmy comes in against an unnamed Matadore. Super kick on Primo. Jey dives onto Fernando. Diego tosses Jimmy into El Torito. Diego rolls him up for the win. The Usos are appropriately annoyed.

Seth Rollins explains his stance to J&J. He wonders whether they were “The Architect.” so he doesn’t value their opinion. He tells them Orton wouldn’t tell him his plan to his face.

We get Bray Wyatt in the ring. The Undertaker is still a no show. Wyatt mocks the power of the Undertaker’s urn. Wyatt acts like it’s doing something then just laughs. We finally hear a bell toll. They are taking their time with it. A chair is in the ring. Undertaker does a “Rest In Peace” voice over.  The chair then sets itself on fire.

Roman Reigns is taking on Seth Rollins to start the match. Regins uses power to ge a quick upper hand. Randy Orton is barking at J&J so he can’t make a tag. J&J get mixed up with Orton again. Orton decks Noble. Orton then refuses to tag in. He flips off Rollins. Spear for the win. Orton stalks Rollins. Orton bitch slaps Rollins while saying “You thought you’d get away with that?” My DVR cut off before the finish but I think I get the point. – Kevin

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