Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw – 28 Dec. ’15

Lemmy Kilmister of Motorhead saved from RollingStone.com

Lemmy Kilmister of Motorhead saved from RollingStone.com

Vince McMahon doesn’t waste his time inviting Roman Reigns to the ring. He accepts the offer. They have a pedestrian show down. Vince thinks the “bone thru the nose” line works these days. Most people realize how racist that is in retrospect. Stephanie McMahon comes out after Vince fakes an injury. Glad to know they’re trying to kill all good will they built up last week. The police finally do something smart and don’t arrest someone for a trumped up charge in wrestling. Vince gets into the shouting match with the detective. Vince gets arrested for assault on the detective. Reigns pulls a dick move and lets the detective’s Miranda rights be heard.

Neville beats Kevin Owens with a quick roll up. Thanks for killing all good will you built up last week. Michael Cole tries to cover up the ridiculously short match by saying Owens was stunned when his head hit the mat for the roll up. I’ll give Cole points for trying. The Owens assault on Neville post match continues through the commercial break. Dean Ambrose makes the save. Of course the announcers turn into “We have opposite view points because x is now “insert heel or face here” while y is now the opposite.

Jojo interviews Becky Lynch who tries to play up working in NYC previously. Sasha gets the mic for her entrance. Sasha plays the Patriots card even though they lost to the Jets yesterday. Their match starts after the break. Lynch has to fight the odds of Team Bad. Lynch battles but mostly loses. Becky dodges a dive by Sasha which turns into a suicide dive on her team partners. Sasha ends up with the upper hand while they’re down. Tamina distracts the ref. Naomi high kicks Lynch. Becky turns a Bank Statement into a Disarmer. Sasha turns that into a roll up with a pull of the trunks. JBL extols the virtues of a team, despite deriding teams in every other Divas segment on TV. Renee Young is surrounded paid “TV people” at a “Brooklyn Police Building.”

The WWE can’t hoide the “New Day Rocks” chants or signs for Kofi Kingston‘s match versus Kalisto. They get a promo after the break. No one gets a new song because no one voted for them to be “Tag Team of the Year.” They also give them hell for not voting them into the “OMG Moment of the Year” award. Kalisto wins in short order with a roll up without a pull of the tights.

Xavier Woods challenges Sin Cara to a match except he puts Big E in the match. Break. Sin Cara gets pulled off the apron to create the opening for Big E. Abdominal “Eric Nelson” Stretch. Why didn’t he get to see this move live on Super Smackdwon Live last week? Big E misses a shoulder charge. Sin Cara takes advantage momentarily. He tries to deal with Kofi & Xavier on the apron. Big Ending for the win.

The Miz hosts a “Year in Review.” Ryback feels like he’s relevant enough for this segment. Goldust is the next to feel relevant. Zach Ryder tops the list of not relevant people in this segment. R Truth is at least moderately popular. Big Show gets to feel relevant by beating up these never has beens. He enters himself at number one of the Royal Rumble.

Big Show and Ryback have a match after a break. Big Show gets himself counted out to prove why he’s entering at number one. Can you make your own writing less productive more quickly? Withing fifteen minutes might actually not be the quickest tonight.

The Usos & Dean Ambrose are taking on King Barrett, Sheamus & Rusev. The League of Nations are fighting for Vince McMahon tonight. Nothing of importance happened in the match before the break. Did you expect me to type different? Rusev is working over Jimmy. Dean Ambrose gets the mild tag whioch leads to his own beat down segment. Jey gets the second hot tag. Jey runs himself into a post. He catches Sheamus charging in. Barrett distracts Jey. Sheamus Brogue Kicks him for the win. Kevin Owens attacks Dean Ambrose. Owens ends up power bombing Ambrose through the announcer desk.

John Cena nails Alberto del Rio‘s return with his retort after ADR says his challenge will be non-title. He’s done nothing since winning the belt. ADR finally accepts the match for the US Title. The WWE decides to have a Lemmy Kilmister tribute before the match restarts. Nice of them. The picture was up there before I even started viewing this program. I didn’t pay this match much mind because everyone and their mother knew that the League of Nations would attack to cause a DQ. The injured Usos try to make a save. Roman Reigns makes the real save. Vince McMahon returns and pretends another match with Sheamus with Vicne as ref is punishment. The worst part of the Authority now is that they are weak. – Kevin

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