Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw – 1 Feb. ’16

Birmingham Museum of Art in Birmingham AL. Saved from deadeyedplasticdesktoy.wordpress.com/

Birmingham Museum of Art in Birmingham AL. Saved from deadeyedplasticdesktoy.wordpress.com/

The WWE starts with Brock Lesnar because he’s one of the few Superstars not on the injured list. Paul Heyman does the talking as usual. He addresses both the Wyatt Family problem and Brock’s inclusion in the triple threat match at Fastlane. As Heyman insults Dean Ambrose, he shows up. Ambrose says that he isn’t crazy and isn’t stupid. He wants the WWE Title so bad, he’s willing to fight his brother Roman Reigns and Lesnar. Ambrose says he’s going to be the one fighting HHH at Wrestlemania and walks out.

Alberto Del Rio is at ringside for Kalisto’s match. They even slate him for a match at Fastlane against Kalisto. (Next Day Note: That was in reference to the reported Del Rio injury over the weekend that even Rusev noted in a tweet.) Rusev comes out. Lana is with him for a change. It is quite amusing the story the WWE is trying to tell about Kalisto and Del Rio is only making it worse by digging a bigger hole. “I’ve gotten cocky twice” but don’t mind me being cocky yet again. Del Rio can’t even tell the difference between Byron Saxton & Michael Cole. Kalisto drop kicks Rusev into the stairs in front of Del Rio. Kalisto gets tossed into the table but lands on his feet. He gives Rusev a huracanrana from the table. Rusev gets counted out.

Roman Reigns & Dean Ambrose are waiting for Stephanie McMahon. Reigns attitude is hilarious. “You’re proud of yourself, aren’t you?” Reigns says to Stephanie. I completely agree with them. When you know someone is trying to divide you, isn’t it easy to blow off the criticism like they are? It is in my opinion. How exactly is a tag team match against New Day going to tear this team apart anyway? I’m sure they hate winning like every other athlete. Please note the sarcasm.

Renee Young lets Brie Bella have mic time since her sister Nikki had surgery. Charlotte comes in and mocks them. She tries to blame herself for the injury. She does a much better job of being a bitch than Stephanie. That’s just a tonight thing.

The Usos are taking on Adam Rose & Curtis Axel. Bo Dallas seems absent. Heath Slater tell us they’re brothers by choice. Oh, they’re doing a funny bit that isn’t funny. Bo-Rida isn’t there tonight. Jey starts against Axel. The Outcasts are doing a good job of keeping Jey down. Jimmy gets a hot tag. Jey gets to finish off Rose with the splash. The announcers were much more worried about making fun of Lilian Garcia for saying Grammys than Slammys than they were about calling the match.

The Miz has AJ Styles on Miz TV. The Miz takes away the mic before Styles can answer and insults him along the way. The Miz also does a good job of telling Styles story. The Miz is trying to get heat by calling himself the “Father of the Yes Movement.” The Miz wants to mentor Styles. Will this story line die a quick death like the one with Neville? Styles is doing a good job of being annoyed in the back ground. Styles attacks. The Miz retreats.

Brie Bella comes out for a match with Alicia Fox. Can we please do away with the Team Bella moniker? You did just tell us Nikki will be out several months. Charlotte comes out with Ric Flair. Brie takes control of the match early. Charlotte tosses Brie out of the ring with the help of a charge. Charlotte wears down Brie. I get lost in JBL’s completely wrong analogies. Brie only gets a two count after a bulldog. Flair jumps on the apron as Brie has Charlotte in a sleeper. Charlotte gives Brie a jaw jacker. Charlotte gets cocky going for the Figure 8. Brie Bella wins with a small package. (Next Day Note: Brie Bella doesn’t deserve to be in a four way at Wrestlemania just because Nikki had surgery. Even if Nikki was around, having a three way dance with the NXT Divas makes much more sense.)

The Big Show is taking on Erick Rowan with the Wyatt Family at ring side. Show tags both Luke Harper & Braun Strowman. It gives him an opening to choke slam Rowan for the win. Strowman & Harper come into the ring to attack Show after the match. It’s not very nice for Ambrose & Reigns to let Show hang out to dry. They finish him off with a double slam by Rowan & Strowman onto the steps.

Titus O’Neil continues to get press for the WWE. They continue to poop on him. Winning against Tyler Breeze doesn’t count as a push. Breeze attacks O’Neil’s knee to get in some offense. Clash of the Titus for the win. Squash matches work.

Paul Heyman gets excused because HHH wants to Brock Lesnar one on one. HHH accuses Brock of going soft. Brock tells him that he’ll find out at Wrestlemania. (Next Day Note: Why exactly was Heyman excused? For a five second conversation? I’m not sure why Heyman was worried either. Brock has never been portrayed as an idiot.)

Dolph Ziggler is taking on Kevin Owens again because they’re still healthy. The first big move of the match is Ziggler getting tossed into the time keeper’s area so of course they take a break. Owens whips Ziggler into the corner chest first. Owens follows up with a cannonball. Owens misses a running senton. Ziggler super kicks Owens off the apron. Owens ends up Super Kicking Ziggler after he shrugs off a sleeper attempt. Owens goes to the top. It ends up with Ziggler in a Tree of Woe. Cannonball connects for the second time. Ziggler leaps out of a Pop Up Power Bomb. Zig Zag for the win. Dolph benefiting from the depleted roster.

If you think I watched the Mark Henry video package, you’re reading the wrong column.

Sasha Banks comes out without Team BAD. She’s on her own now. Neither Becky Lynch nor Brie Bella can hold a candle to her. Naomi & Tamina think it’s a proud moment in a mocking tone. Naomi references Twitter beefs that I have no idea are happening. They have her back for this match. They still have “Unity.” Sasha is ready to look like a dumb ass.

Becky Lynch comes out for her match with Banks. I had no idea that BOSS stood for Built On Self Success. Lynch gets kicked of the apron. Naomi & Tamina try to attack Lynch but Sasha stops them. She literally just said the opposite moments ago. Naomi & Tamina attack Sasha for the DQ. Lynch ends up helping out Sasha.

Chris Jericho has been thinking about his match with AJ Styles since last week. He’s interested to see what happens with Styles takes on the Miz on Smackdown.

R Truth & Goldust have another skit about trying to be a tag team.

New Day comes out for the main event. They tell The Rock that Raw is a kid’s program. They don’t get much of a promo. Paul Heyman is on the head set to make things entertaining. Roman Reigns comes out first followed by Dean Ambrose. The bay faces are in control at the break. New Day took over during it though. Big E misses a splash on the apron to get Reigns an opening. If every team implodes, why doesn’t New Day? Shouldn’t Xavier Woods, the one without the tag title belt, be mad? Why don’t Cole or Saxton take this angle? Ambrose gets to take a beating while I typed that rant. This crowd is very pro-New Day. Reigns gets the hot tag. The crowd is more than happy to cheer him too. Kofi catches Reigns with a boot after a distraction. How many hot tags can happen this match? Kingston breaks up an Ambrose pin attempt on Big E. Woods attacks Ambrose outside. Reigns makes the save. He gets suplexed onto the announce desk for his help. Big E tries to take advantage in the ring. Reigns recovers and Superman Punches Big E. Dirty Deeds DDT for the win. Brock Lesnar comes out. New Day comes back into the ring and attacks. Lesnar gets into the ring after Ambrose dispatches Woods. Lesnar F5s Ambrose while Reigns fights Big E on the outside. – Kevin

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