Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw – 29 Aug. ’16

Beer Can House in Houston TX. Saved from Artcile by Lori Zimmer.

Beer Can House in Houston TX. Saved from Artcile by Lori Zimmer.

The WWE starts off our short week of wrestling Corey Graves in the ring with Seth Rollins, Kevin Owens, Big Cass & Roman Reigns. Rollins does the regular schtick of patting himself on the back. He gives the rest of his promo time to Kevin Owens. He compliments Graves for his show Culture Shock then makes fun of his set up for this interview segment. Owens makes fun of Reigns for not winning the big one and Big Cass for not being able to talk for himself. Big Cass tells us that he has nothing to lose because he’s the new guy in town. Cass goes on to say that size does matter and he’s the biggest man in the match. Rollins interjects again so that things can finally get to Reigns. He decides to clock Owens. Cass starts in on Rollins. Reigns helps him dump Rollins. Cass & Reigns stare down, but Rollins throws them into each other before anything happens. Rollins dumps Cass. Reigns Superman Punches Rollins and stands tall to end the segment.

Chris Jericho makes fun of Neville for being a “Mighty Mouse” freak. Tom Phillips asks Jericho about interfering in Neville’s match last week. Jericho was just providing moral support for Owens in the match. He’s here tonight so that everybody can drink him in. Their match follows. Neville gets control early. Jericho got control just before the break and carried it through. Neville starts to make a comeback. Neville levels Jericho with a single leg kick to the face from the apron. Asai Moonsault follows that up. Jericho breaks up a Red Arrow attempt but still gets hit with a spring board drop kick. Neville tosses Jericho into the corner as he attempted a bulldog. Neville goes for a German Suplex but Jericho turns it an attempt Walls of Jericho.  Neville goes for Red Arrow and misses. Jericho turns a head scissors into a Lion Tamer for the tap out victory, which Michael Cole actually said. That was surprising and nice to hear.

Bayley runs into New Day, who are awesome together. They both use each other’s tag lines on each other. Dana Brooke ruins the fun. She sets up a match by mentioning Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson. New Day and Bayley say bring it out. New Day hoists Bayley after she tells Brooke “It’s already been brought.” Really fun segment. Brooke wasn’t perfect but she still held up her end of the bargain.

Nia Jax squashes someone named Ion. There’s not much to say about her matches or Braun Strowman’s.

Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson make fun of the Dudley Boyz for being in retirement. They are ready to prep New Day for the retirement home too. “Nurse” Dana Brooke comes in. She could be a good fit with these guys. Better than her fit with Charlotte.

Sami Zayn is taking on Jinder Mahal. It’s made interesting by selling Zayn’s injured ankle from the previous week. It still ended up as basically a squash. Helluva Kick for the win.

New Day hits the stage first. Bayley gets presented a unicorn horn as she comes out. They dance to the ring. She fits in too well but I don’t see her sticking around them. Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson come out with Dana Brooke. I fully support Brooke staying with them. Bayley handles Brooke early in the action. Brooke tags out so that Anderson can take a beating. Brooke drop kicks at the same time as Bayley. Brooke has to scoot out of the ring so I’ll assume she screwed up. I have forgotten that Charlotte is in the announce booth until the come back to the match with all of the announcers facing away from the action. Wow, bad timing for that kind of thing. Bayley gets to make this a disguised women’s match with how little the men have wrestled. Bayley To  Belly for the win.

Tom Phillips asks Cesaro about going into an 0-2 hole. Cesaro says any day in the WWE is a good one. It’s even better when he gets to beat up on Sheamus. He’s going “Swinging.” Sheamus gets his mic time in the ring with Byron Saxton. Sheamus says that Cesaro is only a wrestler. Sheamus is a movie star. He is also truly better in the ring too. Sheamus injures his arm when it slams into the ring apron. Sheamus tries to get the ref to look at it. Cesaro attacks the injury. Sheamus cuts a rally short with an Irish Curse Back Breaker. Cearo gets a full come back. Sheamus rills through on a cross body and grabs the tights. Cesaro still kicks out. Sheamus gets caught using the ropes. Cesaro attacks as he argues with the ref. Cesaro takes control with an Uppercut Train. Cesaro gets over zealous outside and gets back dropped into the ring post. Irish Clover Leaf for the tap out win. Are they going to put Cesaro in a 0-3 for a huge come back? I mean, Cesaro doesn’t go down easy, right? I would not have been entirely surprised if Sheamus had gone out somewhat quickly.

The WWE does a nice retrospective on Harry Fujiwara aka Mr. Fuji. I never saw his in ring work but I loved him with Demolition and the Powers of Pain.

Braun Strowman gets his squash match. Even Cole thinks this is getting boring.

Stephanie McMahon is here to address Brock Lesnar. Paul Heyman quickly interrupts. She wants an apology from him. Heyman says that Lesnar won Summerslam for the Raw brand. Heyman is ready to pay the $500 fine. He pulls stacks of hundreds. Stephanie knocks the money out of his hand. She says that she will make his life a living hell. Heyman says no one makes Lesnar’s life a living hell. Heyman has used the Sword of Damocles reference before because I looked it up last time. Stephanie accepts the apology. Heyman has a wry look on his face.

Darren Young takes on Titus O’Neil again after going over the Bob Backlund from last week. Young gets tossed over the ropes in the corner to get a direction in the match. O’Neil slams Young in the ring. It’s really turning into an ass kicking. Young locks him into a crucifix pin for the win though. O’Neil attacks from behind. He takes out Backlund & a Clash of Titus for Young.

Mick Foley should have been with Stephanie when Heyman accosted her. Stephanie was fine. Seth Rollins gets reassurance and a hug from Stephanie.

The introductions for the main event saves me a ton of time. Kevin Owens ducks out of the ring to start off. Roman Reigns & Big Cass eliminate Seth Rollins. The Reigns & Big Cass show down gets cut short again. After pairing off heel/face, we get back to the Reigns & Bgi Cass show down. Reigns gets ahead of him at first. Cass ducks a clothes line and boots Reigns out of the ring. Everyone gets an outside diving spot. Rollins is wearing down Cass. Owens punches Rollins to break the hold. Owens takes his turn wearing out Cass. Big Cass ends up betting a come back spot taking out Owens first then Rollins. He connects with an Empire Elbow on Rollins. Reigns catches Cass with a Superman Punch. Rollins tosses Reigns into the ring post. Side kick to Cass gets two. Owens connects with the Bull Fron Splash for the win. After a break, Reigns takes over on Rollins. A pair of attempted Superman Punches turned into a Falcon Arrow by Rollins. I didn’t miss type that. Interesting flow of moves. Rollins spring boards into a Superman Punch. Reigns can’t believe it. He sets up for a Spear though.  Rollins catches him. Owens superkicks Rollins. Owens hit s pair of Cannonballs. Reigns connects with a Superman Punch on Owens who kicks out. Reigns turns a Pop Up Power Bomb into a Superman Punch. Reigns turns an arm lock into a one arm power bomb. Reigns hits Rollins with a Drive By. Reigns takes out Owens on the outside too. HHH comes out and Pedigrees Reigns. HHH rolls him into the ring. Rollins pins Reigns to eliminate him. HHH rolls Owens into the ring. HHH looks like he’s setting up Owens for defeat when he kicks Rollins. HHH then Pedigrees Rollins. A stunned Owens stares at HHH, the Rollins, then HHH then scurries to pin Rollins for the win. Kevin Owens is the Universal Champion. Both Stephanie & Mick Foley seem perplexed. The WWE is trying new people. Congratulations Kevin Owens. – Kevin DiFrango

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