Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw – 28 Aug. ’17

Saved from woodruff-fontaine.org. The Woodruff-Fontaine House in Memphis TN. French Victorian Mansion.

The WWE starts us off with the Miz in the ring but they go to Michael Cole & Corey Graves first. They introduce Jerry “The King” Lawler since Booker T is in Houston with family. Yikes. The Miz starts speaking and Kurt Angle comes out and interrupts him. The Miz runs with disrespect angle. Angle gives us a battle royal for the right to face Miz next week. The Big Show looks like King Kong Bundy now.

Curt Hawkins is the first to get tossed. Kalisto is second out. Finn Balor helps Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson eliminate Big Show. Foreshadowing? R Truth is the next out. Goldust is the next out. This is how interesting this battle royal is. The best I can type is the order of eliminations. Apollo Crews got tossed during the break. Gallows is dumped by Matt Hardy. Anderson & Hardy fight on the apron. Hardy throws Anderson into a post eliminating him. Gallows pulls Matt off the apron. The Miz prevents Bo Dallas from getting tossed. Jeff Hardy & Balor have a show down after Balor had cleaned the ring. Balor drop kicks Dallas & Hardy into separate corners. Bray Wyatt comes out and eliminates Balor. Jason Jordan tosses both Dallas & Curtis Axel. Jordan then pitches out Elias Samson in a separate move. While Jordan is looking down, Jeff Hardy eliminates him for the win.

Alexa Bliss‘s strategy is to win tonight. It really is dumb question. Bliss reminds us that Sasha Banks hasn’t ever successfully defended the Raw Championship.

Enzo Amore comes out for a Cruiser Weight match. He’s not going to fit in here either just because he’s their size. Noam Dar is his opponent. SAWFT is used during his intro. Noam has got to be wondering about his choices. Neville is trying to figure out how he can have a good match Enzo Amore while he’s in the back. Eat The Feet gets a quick win for Amore. Amore needed to show more than that if they’re going to feature him in the Cruiser Weight division. Neville is going to be Champion forever if that’s his competition.

Paul Heyman & Brock Lesnar come out. Heyman compliments Braun Strowman. Lesnar grabs the mic at the end “Suplex City, Bitch” and out. Good stuff as usual but not the most dressed up.

Seth Rollins comes out for a match with Dean Ambrose. Long recaps while people wait awkwardly in the ring. Is that a new thing or have I missed this pattern? Cesaro is his opponent. Naturally, Sheamus is at ring side too. He has an early show down with Ambrose when Rollins got tossed outside. They may be going with an inter-brand tag team match with the Usos? Like Graves, count me in. Cesaro double gut wrench suplexes Rollins. Rollins reverses a cross body to start his come back. Sling Blade. Rollins connects with a Block Buster. Cesaro upper cuts Rollins. Sheamus tries to interferes but Rollins jumps. It does distract him as Ambrose attacks. Cesaro with another upper cut and roll up for the win.

We get Ambrose vs Sheamus up next. They get an early commercial break. Stretch Muffler submission by Sheamus. Ambrose gets out but gets power bombed for his work. Ambrose reaches the ropes in the Clover Leaf. That starts his come back. Ambrose gets his first pin fall attempt off a neck breaker. Ambrose fights out of Ten Beats. Sheamus picks up Ambrose for a middle rope Rolling Hills. Why did they stop using that name? Sheamus takes too much time. Ambrose capitalizes with a clothes line. Cesaro tries to interfere. Rollins stops him and jumps into the ring. That gets Cesaro back on the apron and the ref intercepts him. Rollins knees Sheamus. Dirty Deeds for the win.

Emma is talking to Mickie James. Emma wants to be thanked for creating the Women’s Revolution. If Mickie wins, Emma can’t make that claim again. If Emma wins, James will have to Tweet ridiculousness. That’s a way to modernize a feud pay off. Emma gets her ass kicked but then rolls up James for the win. Wouldn’t be the modernized gimmick if the heel lost.

John Cena comes out to sign a contract for a match at No Mercy with Roman Reigns. Cena talks him up as Cena does. He knows that Reigns doesn’t want to fight him. Reigns tells Cena that he’s not as big a deal as he thinks he is. Reigns really hammering home the Undertaker win. It’s hilarious that Cena is playing the internet crowd angle. Cena tells Reigns that he is a corporate clone of Cena. The Roman Empire will blow away if Cena beats him. Cena nails Reigns for not knowing his lines. Then Reigns spits out the writers words. Throw in a bitch just to feel edgy. Cena is just mad that Reigns is the only guy he can’t bury. Cena tells Reigns it took five and half years for him to cut a half decent promo. Cena fires back again that Reigns is reusing old information. Cena hasn’t main evented Wrestlemania in five years, opener at Summerslam and he’s wrestled guys like AJ Styles and Kevin Owens. Cena says he can wrestle better part time than Reigns can full time. Cena has to pump up the crowd after the length of the speech. For some reason, Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson come out. Cena gets caught talking trash to Reigns. Gallows makes him eat a boot. Cena ends up taking a beating. Reigns gets the hot tag. He cleans house. Cena looks like he’s going to steal a win from Reigns with an AA on Gallows. Reigns spears Anderson for the win.

Elias Samson gets a talking to from Jerry Lawler. Pelvis Wesley aka Heath Slater is going to be his opponent. Another no match from Samson. Just him beating someone up then leaving.

Renee Young catches up with The Miz, Maryse & the Miztourage. The Miz is offended that it only takes one match to fight him for the title. He walks out on Renee. Maybe she should have reminded the Miz

Sasha Banks is going to break her streak of losing the Championship tonight. Her match with Alexa Bliss is the main event. Banks took control early. When they were outside, Bliss turned it around by ramming Banks into the barricade back first. Bliss keeps working it over. Banks back elbows Bliss then slams her head first into the middle turn buckle. Banks misses a second double knee attempt in the corner. Bliss misses a cross body. Bliss with a big right. She follows up with a sunset flip pin but only gets two. Bliss miss the splash, knees combo. Running Knee in to the jaw. Banks kicks Bliss in the face. Double knees connects this time. Bliss superplexes Banks. They both stay down though. Banks gets in the Bank Statement. Bliss rolls out of it. Bliss with a DDT for the win. Nia Jax comes out to celebrate with Bliss. Jax splashes Banks in the corner. Jax carries Bliss around on her shoulders. She then gives her an Electric Chair? Samoan Drop? Whatever. She wants the Championship. As she should. – Kevin DiFrango

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