Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw – 7 August ’17

Royal Ontario Museum in Toronto. Design by Daniel Libeskind. Saved from Elliot Lewis Photography.

The WWE starts us off with the Miz in the ring. No video package. Surprising. He wants Jason Jordan. He’s tired of being cheap shotted. Kurt Angle answers the call. Angle sends out Brock Lesnar as his guest. Paul Heyman is in tow. The Miz interrupts Heyman before he can talk. Awesome. The Miz runs through the reasons why Lesnar won’t come out of Summerslam as the Universal Champion. Only Heyman can make his catch phrase sound fresh when he recites Lesnar’s title. Heyman role plays The Miztourage as Lesnar’s opponents at Summerslam. Lesnar F5s all of them.

We do get a video package for the Seth Rollins/Dean Ambrose saga. Rollins comes out for himself for a match with Sheamus, who has Cesaro by his side. Rollins goes right at Sheamus. A crotching of Rollins turns things around. Sheamus goes for a Brogue Kick but Rollins dodges it. Rollings ends a string of counters with an enziguri. Headscissors followed by a side kick gets a two count. Cesaro distracts Rollins. Sheamus rolls up Rollins for the win. Rollins suicide dives onto Cesaro who is celebrating with Sheamus. Rollins gets his ass kicked. Cesaro & Sheamus look for Dean Ambrose. He doesn’t arrive. Super White Noise looks worse the the Super Big Ending from New Day.

Dean Ambrose is mad at Rollins for making him look like an asshole. Rollins has done the best he can to resolve the issue. Ambrose still doesn’t trust Rollins.

Toronto not giving a care about Jason Jordan. Angle gives the nod to a local wrestler, Jean-Piere Goulet, because Curtis Axel is still injured from the Lesnar attack. Pop Up Neck Breaker for the win.

Bayley gets to talk about her injury that is bumping her off the SS card. It’s interesting that the legit injuries have been used in story lines in the recent past. Toronto starts booing Bayley and she is not used to it.

Sasha Banks, Alicia Fox and Emma are in the first triple threat match to determine Alexa Bliss‘s opponent at SS. Bliss is on the head set so the match will be secondary. Emma gives Sasha a Wheelbarrow Suplex onto the apron. Hilarious that Michael Cole stops from making fun of Corey Graves after he accused Cole of being a rumor monger. Sasha & Emma keep taking turns beating down Fox. Emma breaks up a Bank Statement. Sasha then locks in the Bank Statement on Emma for a tap out win.  I do wonder what Emma did wrong other than petty left (at worst) that keeps her off TV. She’s a good wrestler.

Braun Strowman is ready to break Reigns’s spirit tonight.

The crowd has not turned on Enzo Amore. He seems like a prime target for Canada. He introduces Big Show. They want to beat respect into Big Cass. Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson ask to fight Amore & Show. They get called nerds. Amore calls them Dr. Evil & Mini Me. Amore & Show accept. Amore is catching a beating after a break. Oh yuck, Scott Dawson is injured now. Big Cass walks out onto the ramp. Gallows gives Show a Big Boot. Enzo fights out of a Magic Killer. Anderson gives a running knee to Enzo for the win. Cole has to say “I guess Anderson was legal” because the wrong man making the cover. Cass attacks. Enzo gets him to chase. Big Show blind sides him with a WMD.

Finn Balor gets a video package and the next segment. Balor is ready to kick fear in the face.Bray Wyatt pops into the middle of the ring. Balor is on the top rope. Right when Balor is ready to drop kick Wyatt into the turn buckles, he retreats.

Sheamus & Cesaro need to stop doing the Gotenks pose. I’m dying with Graves calling out Booker T for playing both sides of the fence. I can’t believe he’s still an improvement on David Otunga. Sheamus distracts Ambrose to allow Cesaro to get the upper hand. Cesaro is perched on the post. He takes a long time going for a SuperDuperplex? Ambrose gets in a regular Superplex. Power slam into a back breaker for Cesaro to gain the upper hand again. Cesaro does a triple gut wrench suplex. He only gets a two count. Ambrose fights out of a Sharpshooter attempt. Ambrose goes for a Suicide Dive. Cesaro uppercuts him instead. Cesaro goes for a Superplex again. It fails again. Ambrose gets distracted by Sheamus. Cesaro locks in the Sharpshooter. Ambrose makes it to the ropes. Ambrose drops an elbow on Sheamus from the top to the floor. Sheamus distracts Ambrose again but it does no good. Ambrose rolls up Cesaro for the win. Sheamus & Cesaro start to beat down Ambrose. Rollins makes the save. Ambrose finally puts out his fist. Rollins shakes his head and walks out. Nice.

Titus O’Neil is still the best thing yet for 205 Live. Akira Tozawa & Apollo Crews are celebrating Tozawa’s win over Ariya Daivari. Neville tries to intimidate him. O’Neil is not impressed by Neville’s tactics. Daivari & Neville are in a match again. Graves rightfully wonders how healed Tozawa really is. O’Neil calls Tozawa a property then realizes that may not be the best wording. Daivari gets the vast majority of the offense early. Tozawa with a snap side suplex. Senton Bomb for the win.

Roman Reigns had about as much to say as Strowman. I’m not arguing.

Mickie James, Dana Brooke and Nia Jax are the second three woman match. James & Brooke try to double team Jax but it doesn’t work. Jax takes herself out when she runs shoulder first into the post. I’d love it if Titus added a woman to the Worldwide Brand. Jax flattens Brooke. James comes off the top rope with a Seated Senton. Jax tosses James outside. Jax with a leg drop for the win.

Goldust is ready to show us his next big production.

Kurt Angle suggests putting Enzo Amore in a shark cage in the Big Cass vs Big Show match at SS because Cass can’t think of that on his own.

Reigns and Strowman start going straight at it, as they should. Strowman gets the upper hand initially with Reigns getting several shorter counts.  Strowman introduces the metal steps. Reigns gets to use them though. Reigns even drops the steps on Strowman. Ouch. Reigns gets in a Superman Punch as he gets popped up. Strowman drop kicks Reigns. Strowman charges but no one is home. Reigns connects with a Drive By. Strowman clothes line Reigns on the second Drive By attempt. Strowman sets up a table. Reigns ends up Samoan Dropping him through it. Reigns goes for a Spear. Strowman tosses an office chair at him. Reigns makes it back up with help from the barricade. They fight through the crowd. They get back to the stage area. Strowman tosses Reigns into the video screens a couple of times. Strowman sets up the announcer’s desk. Reigns Superman Punches Strowman. A second connects. Reigns goes for a Spear. Strowman knees him. Strowman wlaks down to ring side. Reigns Spears Strowman after running down the ramp. Samoa Joe puts the Kokina Clutch on Reigns. Strowman stands at 9 to win the match. – Kevin DiFrango

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