Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw – 11 Sept. ’17

The interior courtyard of the Hollyhock House in LA aka Anaheim. Designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. Saved from Picture from

The WWE starts us off with a 9-11 Tribute. Then everyone’s favorite wrestler Roman Reigns hits the ring. He’s taking on Jason Jordan since Reigns wondered why it took John Cena so long to beat him last week. I was hoping Reigns would whoop him. Instead, we get at least one commercial break. Michael Cole informs us the Reigns vs Cena feud is about who’s WWE this is. Really? Could have fooled me with the rhetoric. Jordan is taking it to Reigns pretty well. Jordan gets his first near fall with a double Northern Lights Suplex. I’m embarrassed for Corey Graves having to say that Reigns is reserving energy. That makes as much sense as people not turning or interfering in No DQ matches earlier. Superman Punch followed by a Spear for the Reigns win.

John Cena comes to the ring after the match. Reigns has to use the old talking points so that Cena can act high and mighty. His points are as invalid as Reigns though. Reigns tells him that Cena is mad that ticket sales are great and that’s why Cena is pissed. The WWE doesn’t need him. Cena is going to cure Reigns of AIDS. I think that’s what he said.

Sasha Banks is taking on Emma with Alexa Bliss on the headset. Nia Jax comes out in street clothes. He confronts Bliss and they go to commercial. Because of course you should. (If you don’t read the sarcasm on that statement, I can’t help you.) She joins everyone on the headset.  The Anaheim crowd can’t hear the train wreck commentary so they have no business being silent during Banks vs Emma. Sasha locks in the Bank Statement out of the blue for the win.

Paul Heyman comes out with Brock Lesnar. It’s time for me to take a writing break. Heyman hypes Strowman by saying what Strowman has done to Lesnar. Heyman does wonder if Braun is “bad enough” to beat Lesnar. Heyman says Lesnar is ready for a fight and invites Braun Strowman to the ring. He accepts. The biggest happening is Strowman taking a German Suplex and popping back up. Strowman power slams Lesnar again. Strowman picks up the belt and puts a foot on Lesnar. He then drapes the belt on Lesnar and pats 1-2-3 on him. They can’t have Strowman lose at No Mercy after these showings, right?

Goldust comes out for a match. He’s taking on Bray Wyatt. He does a decent job of comparing him and Finn Balor in the face paint department. Clear message. Go figure. Goldust had some offense. Sister Abigail in short order though. Wyatt wipes off Goldie’s paint and says that Finn Balor is just a man. I know. I just like the paint job that Finn does. Much like Jeff Hardy, I think he’s a talented designer.

Sheamus & Cesaro think that Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson are tougher than Seth Rollins & Dean Ambrose because Gallows & Anderson are a real team. Never mind the fact that Gallows & Anderson never beat The Bar. They’re going to win tonight then at No Mercy. All six end up brawling on the ramp. That was a segment on Raw. It advanced no one. Didn’t sell the feud. It just used up time. Kurt Angle gives us an eight man tag match for later in the night.

Kurt Angle signed Asuka since Raw’s women’s division is a mess. Nia Jax got herself a match with Alexa Bliss for next week.

Elias Samson is interrupted by Kalisto. Samson is getting to toss around Kalisto.  He certainly knows how to sell. Kalisto does get in some quick strike offense. Elias turns a head scissors into a power bomb. Drift Away for the win.

Braun Strowman and John Cena have their match at the 10P time slot. Moment finally worth typing about. Cena does a “You Can’t See Me” and gets Spine Bustered for his stupidity. Cena finally gives Strowman an AA but he rolls out of the ring. Cena eventually follows and gets whacked with the steps for more stupidity. Strowman slides the lower half of the stairs into the ring. Strowman power slams Cena and gets DQed. He should have been DQed earlier. Glad Graves notes it in the replays.

Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins conveniently run into Matt & Jeff Hardy. I would have been cool with Jamie Noble & Dean Malenko as their partners.

Booker has his moments. Him selling Graves on reviewing Maryse’s wardrobe and talks about Bo Dallas. The Miz & Maryse announce that they are having a baby. The Miz uses it to chirp Kurt Angle. He then pulls out a speech. Enzo Amore interrupts him. The Miz yells at him for being ignorant. He keeps the Asshole Brand Title on Raw for this week. He hits all the internet talking points. Enzo says that The Miz is unoriginal which is why he got heat with the locker room. Enzo claims he’s a paper champion. The WWE is doing a good job of making The Miz a face in this segment and still being their message delivering guy in public. Not too shabby. Enzo gets the match but then gets his ass kicked. He questions Maryse’s fidelity which gets The Miz to flip. Curtis Axel & Dallas jump Enzo to cause the official DQ.

Neville walks up to Enzo back stage and just laughs. Awesome.

Poetry in Motion to the outside is the first thing to catch my attention with the main event of Rollins, Ambrose & Hardyz vs Cesaro, Sheamus, Gallows & Anderson. Gallows giving Ambrose a Big Boot is the second big move of the match. It starts an extended sell period for Ambrose. Super White Noise on Ambrose only gets a two count. Matt Hardy broke up the pin but got tossed into the barricade for his good deed. Everyone is off the apron when Ambrose finally gets a chance to tag. Sheamus runs himself into a post to give Ambrose another opening. Ambrose has to survive a Cesaro tag in to get the tag. Rollins cleans house. Sheamus & Cesaro come in but get cleaned out by The Hardyz. They flee the ring after The Hardyz cut off their return to the ring. Rollins Rainmaker Knee followed by Durty Deeds for the win. – Kevin DiFrango

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