Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw – 5 Feb. ’17

The Des Moines Art Center designed by Richard Meier & Eliel Saarinen.

I really liked that after the new opening, they went for a couple of backstage promos. Bray Wyatt gave the best promo that he’s given in quite some time. Roman Reigns is more direct and ready to head to New Orleans to take on Brock Lesnar. Their match to qualify for the Elimination Chamber starts off right after them. A Samoan Drop breaks a Wyatt beat down that started the match. Wyatt stops the come back with that flying block that they still haven’t named. It’s one of his signature moves. It needs a name. Wyatt talks trash for too long. Reigns with a sit down power bomb. Wyatt turns a Superman Punch into a urinogi. Reigns connects with a Superman Punch soon there after. He only gets two from it. Sister Abigail only gets Wyatt a two count. Reigns fights out of a second Abigail. Spear for the Reigns victory. Matt Hardy shows up after the match. He lets Wyatt find him. Twist of Fate.

Seth Rollins wants to know if Jason Jordan is healthy enough for the match against The Bar. Jordan assures him that he’s ready to go. Rollins wants to rock.

The Balor Club comes out as a trio. It’s supposed to be a singles match between Finn Balor and an unnamed person within The Revival, either Dash Wilder or Scott Dawson. The Revival suggests a tag team match. Balor picks Karl Anderson as his team mate so Luke Gallows sits this one out. Oddly enough, Balor is the one taking the beat down. Anderson gets the hot tag and he has some nice looking offense for possibly his best sequence so far in the WWE. Balor gets the tag back in. Sling Blade. Corner Drop Kick. Coup De Grace for the win.

Sasha Banks finally knows what she needs to do to beat Asuka. She is skeptical that Bayley can do the same. Bayley finally throwing some fire out by saying she beat Banks so she can (theoretically) beat Asuka. Good friction between them.

Drake Maverick hypes 205 Live while Cedric Alexander & Mustafa Ali take on Tony Nese & Drew Gulak. This match seems like such a repeat for this division that they’re clearly trying to re-brand. Lumbar Check for the win. My advice for making 205 Live awesome, let Alexander continue to be awesome. The end.

Kurt Angle comes out and tells us that Alexa Bliss is going to wrestle every healthy female on the roster, Bayley, Mandy Rose, Mickie James, Sonya Deville and Sasha Banks. Bliss comes out and complains that she has to put her belt on the line but the men match doesn’t have that at stake. Angle mentions that she hasn’t defended the belt since November. Holy smokes.

John Cena makes a plan for getting to Wrestlemania. He makes light of the fact that he gets to trade hands with Braun Strowman. He’s pretty good at promos.

I’m a little surprised that Asuka is beating all of the roster already. Her victim tonight is Bayley. They have a really good match and they definitely left something on the table since it wasn’t as long as I expected, especially since it was in first gear before the commercial break and they wrapped up shortly after it was over. Asuka with an arm bar tap out win.

The Miz comes out and brags about popping the Raw rating. He’s ready to earn a Universal Title shot at Brock Lesnar. He’s ready to hold both belts. Good on him. Apollo Crews is his opponent with Titus O’Neil & Dana Brooke. She cracks me up at ring side. Crews is getting in more offense than I expected. Miz goes for the corner clothes line but Crews catches him and tosses him on his head with a suplex. Standing Shoot Star only gets a two count. Miz kicks out Crews knees. It quickly gets him to a Skull Crushing Finale. Jonathan Coachman hating on Crews is a head scratcher. His basic point is “He’s an entertaining wrestler so he sucks.”

Seth Rollins comes bopping down the hall. He runs into Jason Jordan & Angle. Jordan injured himself warming up so he can’t wrestle now. Reigns comes out and fist bumps Rollins, who is pumped. Reigns match earlier in the night is the big story of the match. Sheamus knocks Rollins off the apron. It costs him though because he forgets about Reigns. Superman Punch. Jordan comes to ring side. He gets Rollins back to the apron where he finally gets the hot tag. Rollins holds on after a suplex to execute a Falcon Arrow. Jordan holds Cesaro’s leg. It gives Rollins an opening. Cesaro & Sheamus try to leave. Jordan stands in front of them. Sheamus swings at him. Jordan pops Sheamus causing the DQ. Rollins & Reigns are mad.

Braun Strowman is ready to distribute hands tonight. Nice.

Seth Rollins is hot back stage. Angle tells Jordan to go home until he is medically cleared.

Nia Jax gets to rag doll a local wrestler. Standing Press. Leg Drop for the win. Renee Young asks Jax about her chance at Asuka. She tells Asuka that she’s going to wear her mask permanently. Asuka will become the Empress of Yesterday after their match.

Sonya Deville is accompanied by Paige & Mandy Rose. Her opponent is Mickie James. Mickie gets the first wave of offense. Sonya takes over. Mickie rolls her up out of nowhere. Absolution starts a beat down. Alexa Bliss makes the save. Even Mickie James is confused.

Elias didn’t get a selfie promo but he got plenty of time in ring to do his usual thing. The first smart thing of the match is Cena & Samson teaming up to take out Strowman. Cena gives Strowman an AA on the stairs outside. Elias blind sides Cena. Cena finally recovers when Strowman gets back in the ring. He bear swats Cena. Elias pushes Strowman out of the ring. Elias pins Cena for the win. Strowman comes in and power slams both of them. Twice. Or three times in Elias’s case. Ouch. – Kevin DiFrango

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