#ROH Is The Worst Part V

washrinsepweb

There will be a lot of wash, rinse and repeat cycles for Ring of Honor. This topic will hopefully not be repeated. I thought about destroying Davey Richards & referee Paul Turner for what happened at the Border Wars iPPV. Davey Richards botched a double stomp on a returning Paul London. Wrestlers do have things go wrong no matter how good they are in the ring so I’ll give Richards an easy pass. From reading Chris Shore’s report on Prowrestling.net (because I’m not giving ROH money for an iPPV that is almost sure to fuck up), he noticed that London was dazed almost immediately. There was a fairly lengthy delay then Richards & London went with what is assumed to be the planned final of London getting caught with Richards’s knees when attempting a shooting star press. Shore called this stupid which at first I agreed with.

Then I reconsidered because of my own concussion. I was back pedaling for a fly ball in softball and whacked my head. A friend asked me “How many fingers am I holding up?” as he flipped me off. I said “One, asshole” and kept playing. It’s the last thing I remember even though I was involved in the final two outs of the season. According to others, I threw someone out at home and caught a fly ball to wrap up the game. It wasn’t until I came back to my folding chair that everyone noticed I wasn’t fine. I started asking frequently if I had fallen asleep in my chair. At that point, my then wife decided that I needed to be taken to the hospital. I wasn’t in the ring so maybe Richards & Turner talked to him, London responded and they moved on. I’d love to kill them but I can’t.

ROH later found that Paul London did in fact have a concussion from the incident and that all involved proceeded with the planned finish. Chris Shore was even more upset. I understand but it’s hard to know how London reacted unless you were in the ring. These guys are wired to be tough guys also so they do stupid things sometimes putting themselves in trouble. They should be more careful in the future. Now it’s time to watch this week’s show. Let’s see if I can get a second article out of them this week. -Kevin

Hulk Hogan + Brooke Hogan = Perv Twitter Responses

BrookesLegs

According to Prowrestling.net, Hulk Hogan got in trouble by the Twitter-verse for sending out this picture of his daughter that was labeled “Brooke’s legs”. For some reason, the Hulkster didn’t think this image would invoke the picture of him rubbing oil on his daughter’s ass or responses of him being a pervert on Twitter. The Hulkster has taken a break from Twitter after two days of being beaten up about it. For a change, I agree with Hulk that this isn’t creepy. Is it stupid? You better believe it. Brooke has great legs. It’s just too bad she has a man’s chin and face. Aside from that minor problem, she’s all woman.

As an added bonus, I found this picture of a t shirt for his new restaurant, Hogan’s Beach.

HogansBeach

It’s a fun t shirt that has more thought in it than any shirt currently on WWEShop or ShopTNA currently. I can’t delve into the meaning of this shirt because it’s standard design work. Glory Day Hulk Hogan? Check. Riding a shark because he’s so bad ass? Check. Beach? Whoops. I guess it’ll be at the end of the water they’re showing. I hope the shark doesn’t beach itself or Hogan might have PETA to answer to on Twitter instead of a bunch of creepy Twitter trolls. -Kevin

The “Macho Man” Randy Savage Gets A Jordan Shoe

From Sneakerfiles.com by way of Prowrestling.net comes the most exciting piece of wrestling related outerwear since Jeff Hardy started doing his own shirts. Of course none of the major wrestling leagues came up with this idea. Nike does have some experience with horrendous design ideas (See just about any Oregon Ducks football outfit) but this one gets nailed with a double axe handle off the top rope. The neon colors are spot on without over doing it. You’ve got the laces (top) and soles (bottom) in neon green/yellow. The interior of the shoe is this color but unless you’re wearing them, it will have little bearing on how they look. It would have helped to make the Jordan figure neon green/yellow instead of red since the design doesn’t use it anywhere else. There are plenty of examples of the Jordan symbol color matching with the design so it isn’t always red. The inset panels are the fantastic purple and pink checker board that “Madness” used on a regular basis. I would think some form of pink needs to be included in any Savage tribute because I remember any number of his trunks with pink in them. I love that the checker board flows with the panels shape so the distortions are different all around the panel. I know it’s hacky but I’d give these shoes an “Ooooooh yyyyeaaahhh!” -Kevin

HHH In The NFL? Edge joins Twitter. Spike & TNA Make It Official.

Who’s doing quad exercises at the gym tonight?

I was telling my girl about gruesome wrestling injuries the other day. I told her about HHH blowing his quad and seeing it ravel up in his leg on live TV. It turns out I wasn’t the only one thinking about it recently. According to Prowrestling.net, Adam Carriker of the Washington Redskins was thinking about it when he was looking up at the lights of the Edward Jones Dome in St. Louis, his former employer. We wish him a speedy recovery, unlike the dance of joy we did when HHH was injured and couldn’t big foot the roster for a full year.

Adam “Edge” Copeland has joined the ranks of those on Twitter with the handle @EdgeRatedR. We started following him from our @Stuntgranny account. I’m sure he’ll start following us right after we miss his next appearance on Haven or Sanctuary on SyFy. Yes those are real shows on a real cable network. Trust us.

The officials of TNA & Spike TV continue to spin more than either presidential campaign when they talked about the extension of the live programming officially through the end of 2012 by stating

The move to broadcasting LIVE has been a ratings boon and has provided a significant rise in the show’s social media presence on Facebook, Twitter, etc.

Ratings boon huh? Let’s take a gander at the ratings over on Gerweck.net, shall we? They went live on May 31st so the week before that they had a 1.01 which is less than stellar. Then they pulled a 0.9 for the first live show. Hmmm, I’m good at math so I’m positive that rating is going in the negative direction. The following weeks they went from anywhere between 0.85 to 1.09. Maybe I’m concentrating on the first part too much. I bet they’re making tons of money off their Facebook page and Twitter account just like we are. -Kevin

WWE’s Triple H gets a haircut, donates grease to KFC

Bow down to the… bow down to the geek. FLAVIN!

Here’s proof that we eat up any little bit of news like Funyuns at Matt Hardy’s house or Twizzlers on a road trip from Michigan to Florida: According to TMZ.com (by way of Prowrestling.net), to quote Christian, “Someone got a haaair-cuuut!” In this case, that someone was Triple H, who has sported long hair in various layers, lengths and forms since pretty much the beginning of his career. If you think it’s strange that I’m critiquing and analyzing his hair, consider the old (and supposedly refuted) rumor that Kazarian left WWE’s developmental system because they wanted him to get a haircut since, well, there’s only room for one douche with a ponytail around these parts. (There was the other rumor that Triple H freaked out on Umaga for wearing green and black, since those are DX colors. Man, this guy is a diva.)

WWE is spinning this non-story as another example of Triple H’s likely retirement. I’m spinning it someone buying this greaseball a mirror as an anniversary gift of something. I truly feel like we should make this haircut even more viral and recommend Hunter donate his rat’s nest to Locks of Love. Then again, he’d probably confuse that for Headlock on Hunger, and then no one wins. Except Triple H, he always wins. -Eric

Ring of Honor e-mail includes posters featuring homeless men pointing at their necks

Yes, Eddie, step one of Arn Anderson Training is to put your thumb there.

As a loyal Ring of Honor fan who has watched about 45 minutes of one Sinclair Broadcasting Group TV show and who purchased his most recent ROH DVD in April 2009 but watched his most recent ROH DVD in, like, January 2009, of course I receive ROH’s weekly e-mails, because how better to keep up with a company with such an identity crisis as, as Austin Aries dubbed it, Smoky Mountain of Honor. (Thank you, Cageside Seats, for ranking high in a Google search for that term.)

Low digital quality, low-rent font, high calories!

So these are the types of show posters I’m treated to, the graphic designs that are supposed to excite me into parting with my money rather than buy lunch a few times this month (although I’m sure there are still ROH fans who will gladly buy PPVs and refuse to skip lunch). Low-resolution pictures of a guy who may or may not be a professional wrestler, chewing on a championship belt, while someone with a fetish for newspaper-letter clippings is holding something or other hostage. Not sold. How about the image at the top of this post? The one with FORMER WORLD CHAMPION Eddie Edwards pointing his thumb to his throat about as threateningly as a baby bunny eating my god damn tomato plants.

“O noes, stuck in ROH steal cage!”

But wait, there’s more!

L to R: A group who couldn’t draw money if their dad was Bob Ross; hot-ass Maria.

These are looking more indy by the minute. And seriously, Roderick Strong? Are you checking your pulse? Because you barely look like you could fog a mirror at this point in your life.

I could make the standard “Kevin Steen taking a dump” joke here, but I’ll aim below the belt and suggest that the person on this poster who looks most like a pro wrestler is god damn 90-year-old Bruno Sammartino. (No offense, @jaybriscoe84)

Finally — and please let this be the image that drives home the point that Ring of Honor has plenty of internal struggles to deal with (namely, hiring someone who uses Adobe Photoshop instead of MS Paint) and not that there’s anything wrong with the wrestlers… except Roderick Strong — here’s a piece of communication wizardy:

Now, ROH, tell me, how the fuck am I supposed to know where to go, when and how to get there, when Lance Fucking Storm is standing in the way??

Once again, I shouldn’t slight the wrestlers so much as I should pick on ROH for its half-assed attempts to promote (and, at times, produce, M I RITE CHRIS SHORE) its live events. But I’m not the only voice here; let’s open this up to the peanut gallery:

Dusty: The only thing dangerous about Bruno is that he is still able to speak.

Jeremy: Could they have made them look cheaper? Roderick even knows this is shit. Oh, and look at the Briscoes, how cute.

Dusty: This has to be the first time in recorded history the Briscoes were described as cute in any way whatsoever.

Kevin: There were wrestlers on those posters? I thought I saw ads and some homeless men who couldn’t afford clothes. Any reason this type of thing can’t be a post with us ripping on one of the posters in particular?

Ask and ye shall receive. -Eric

Vince Russo may or may not be out as head of TNA creative

"Ugh, just make up ya' fuckin' mind, I gots womens to objectify ovah heeah!"

According to WrestleZone.com, Vince Russo was replaced as head of TNA creative by recent hire and former WWE and Ring of Honor writer Dave Lagana and that Russo wasn’t even present at the Against All Odds PPV last night in Orlando. Clearly our banner at the top of this page was the motivating factor in the move, and not years of failure to bring TNA into the mainstream or above a 1.5 extended cable rating or 25,000 pay-per-view buys, not to mention climbing his greasy ass behind the wheel of the 1979 Chevy Nova that was WCW and driving it directly into the Des Moines River.

However, in a second article at Prowrestling.net, multiple sources are disputing the news, saying Lagana was merely helping out at Against All Odds. Yeah, he was helping. He was holding the door for Russo while slapping an “#IWantWrestling” note to his back.

We’re not a site that likes to jump to conclusions, but we also need to think objectively about these conflicting reports. In short, Jason Powell has a decade-plus-long history of being accurate, while WrestleZone has been around since I started brewing this cup of coffee, and one of its main writers is an on-air character for Pro Wrestling Ohio. I know that if Kevin was the PWO commissioner, we’d have more on our minds than reporting accurate news. I also know that if I was right as often as Powell is, I’d be swimming in my vault full of gold coins in St. Paul just like he does. -Eric

Headlines: HIV-positive wrestler sentenced, BJ Whitmer sucks, Shane Douglas HA HA sucks

BJ Whitmer, who spent his whole retirement fund on that Extreme Couture shirt and ripped jeans.

According to Prowrestling.net, HIV-positive former pro wrestler Andre Davis was sentenced to 32 years in prison for not telling sexual partners about his virus. Davis was sentenced in Hamilton Co., Ohio, and faces more charges in adjacent Butler and Warren counties. In Davis news, who cares? In other news, Iowa also has a Hamilton, Butler and Warren county. How about your state?

Also according to Prowrestling.net, BJ Whitmer is coming out of retirement to wrestle Jay Lethal at Ring of Honor’s February 17 event in Cincinnati, Ohio. For those of you who need a reminder, BJ Whitmer sucks balls, and no one cared that he was “retired;” we just assumed no promoter was stupid enough to book him. Of the two news stories based out of Ohio, I actually think hanger-on Whitmer is the bigger sad-sack.

Finally, according to Prowrestling.net, Shane Douglas continues to release names who will take part in the Extreme Reunion event April 28 in Philadelphia at the Pennsylvania National Guard Armory. Douglas name-dropped Sabu, Sandman and Rhino, in addition to Raven, Jerry Lynn, The Gangstas, and Tracy Smothers. I’d love to attend the show, but I already have plans to cut my pony tail off, drink a 6-pack of Keystone Light that my brother bought me, and ask a freshman high school girl out to see “10 Things I Hate About You.” And then powerbomb all of my friends through tables. Learn more about the Extreme Reunion here, thanks to Jeremy. Hmmm, you know, I kinda wanna see Andre Davis vs. BJ Whitmer in a Taipei Death Match at this show, but that’s just me. -Eric

RNN Update: WWE.com offers specifics on Randy Orton back injury

According to Prowrestling.net, WWE.com has posted an update on this back injury of Randy Orton’s, which I think is a pile of hot garbage soaked in the juice of lies, but who am I to jump to conclusions?

“Randy suffered a herniated disc on the L4-L5 level on the left side, and that’s resulting in pain and weakness down his leg.” Dr. Sampson stated in the story. “He’s going to need some time off for rehab, anti-inflammatory medications and physical therapy.”

Yeah, well, *I* wanna talk to Sampson!

-Eric

WWE debuts new house show stage set-up in Pittsburgh to packed crowd

wwe house show stage set-up

Thanks to CM Punk for posting this picture on Twitter. See, social media is good! Of course, it just looks like Diesel is about to come to the ring, but whatever.

According to Prowrestling.net, WWE has created a new, house-show-only set — stage, ramp and LED lights — that was erected (hehe) for the first time last night at a house show in Pittsburgh, Pa. The news leaked thanks to Vickie Guerrero on Twitter:

Flying to Pittsburgh!!! I can’t wait to see the new stage setup tonight. See all of you there

And then thanks to photos posted by Prowrestling.net readers, Guerrero saw “all” of them there:

wwe house show stage set-up

Jam-packed to the rafters!

It’s cool that WWE intends to make house shows more aesthetically pleasing, but if a tree falls in a forest, does it make a sound? My hope is they bring TV cameras to a handful of house shows and then show footage of “the live event experience” on Raw to entice fans to nontelevised events. Otherwise, they might as well join TNA in the stall where they flush money down the commode. -Eric

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