This is basically Abyss.

Good lord. According to Prowrestling.net, Kurt Angle was sentenced today for his March 25 bout of reckless driving in Grand Forks, S.D. Angle was given one year of probation, some fines, and a 10 days in jail, suspended. One year of probation for Kurt “Bi-racial Girlfriend Stalker, Good-Timin’ Pill-Popper” Angle, huh? What’s the over-under on three months?

Also according to Prowrestling.net, Jeff Hardy’s court date (stemming from his Sept. 2009 arrest) has been pushed back yet another month. That’s just 30 more days for him to build another illuminami, do a bunch of meth, and show up in no condition for being alive. Good job, North Carolina court system, you’re practically the pusher on playground. Oh, what’s that? If I sell this to five other kids, I’ll get it for free? I’ll love the way it makes me feel? You’re gonna murder my family if I don’t?

Finally, according to Prowrestling.net, TNA wrestlers came out of the Lockdown PPV and the latest TV tapings with a rash of injuries. As opposed to Karen Jarrett, who usually just comes out of TV tapings with a rash. At the iMPACT! tapings, Rob Van Dam knocked out Abyss’ two front teeth. Awesome, this talentless gore fuck is going to wear that hole in his mouth like a Foley-greenlighted badge of honor. All it does, though, is gett him closer to Balls Mahoney status where he belongs. -Eric