Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #Raw

I wonder if anyone in Impact Wrestling will visit the Funky Buddha Lounge in London.

I got nothing for a picture right now so suck it. I’ll add it later when some theme pops in my head. It’s been a good day and a bad day. The first bad part was forgetting to post the Pro Wrestling Ohio show I reviewed yesterday. I’ll do it sometime tomorrow. Sorry guys. The new show is taped and more free time is around the bend with only one more football game left. I’ll keep up better with the free time. The other bad thing, my buddy Mittan is not coming up for the Machine Head concert tomorrow. And that’s my good news, I’m still going to see Machine Head tomorrow. They’re awesomeness. Let’s roll.

Why is Evan Bourne still in the opening montage? We start with Mr. Clobberin’ Time CM Punk. He is barely started and the crowd is eating out of his hand. Boos & cheers on command. Punk calls out Johnny Wooden GM but that call is answered by John Cena? Huh? Cena calls Johnny so that Zack Ryder can get a rematch and for his own match at the Royal Rumble. Johnny books a match between Ryder and Kane for tonight. Cena & Punk are wrestling to start the show. Interesting. Vickie Guerrero introduces Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger. Dolph tells Punk to worry about him and not Johnny. Why is Swagger getting the mic? Oh my goodness. Dead meat? That’s all he’s got? Even worse than I expected. Punk looks strange wrestling in his shorts.

My money is on Swagger taking the pin fall. Looks like I was wrong. Punk gets screwed again by Johnny. Punk wants Johnny to come out of retirement to take him on tonight. Johnny accepted but I’ve got an feeling there is going to be a trick up his shoulder. Cool tries to sell this as being cool. I don’t care that the GM can wrestle. It’ll be a terrible match if it happens. I don’t want executives playing any sport. I want athletes in a sport. Certain people are better at certain jobs.

Let’s see if this week is the one that we get a promo. Mitchell gives us a brief history of the Highlight Reel. Jericho tells us to wait as he goes backstage to grab a t shirt cannon. So there’s no speech this week. Jericho then operates the camera. I got nothing. We get a visual review of the Highlight Reel. People are still cheering. Bunch of sheep. Ah, Jericho predicts the end of the world as we know it at the Rumble. At least he’s not going to be a harbinger of the apocalypse.

We get the usual video package about numbers. This show has just been here so far. Mick Foley gives Zack a pep talk. Eve tries to talk him out of it. What a dumb bitch. Ryder tells Cena to stay out of it. I like the serious edge they’ve been instilling in him slowly. Kane comes out second. Kane is getting the better of him to start. I would imagine he’ll get in some offense. Commercial break screams that. And I still haven’t quite caught up. I’m pretty close. I could have FF quicker. Oh well. Kane is getting his ass handed to him. It’s less of an ass kicking than Swagger took last week. Forgot to mention this earlier, but why was Swagger perfectly fine today? Shouldn’t something be injured? The WWE contractors do some shoddy work on the sets. First the ring now the stage. Cena‘s “I’m worried” face is awful. Eve’s fake crying isn’t much better.

Zack is finally being stretchered out. Quiet voice announcers stink. Looking like another step in Cena’s character development. Cena gives us angry face now. He wishes he were Derrick Zoolander.

Sheamus takes on Jinder Mahal who gets to job on Raw instead of Smackdown. Lucky him. Wade Barrett joined the announcers but nothing still happened. They’re mentioning the Royal Rumble left and right. I’ve got no vibe for who will win this year. The Miz is interviewed by Josh Matthews. The Miz gets my attention. R Truth interrupts him acting like a “researcher”. Truth really blows now. Johnny Wooden GM & David Otunga stop them from bickering. The loser of Truth vs Miz is the number one entrant.

The Funkasaurus takes on Heath Slater with William Regal in the booth. Regal talked up his dancing skills. It’s still really weird that Mitchell Cool roots for the Funky One.

The Miz & R Truth get the crap slot on Raw. The Miz has almost dropped off as much as Heath Slater. I mean, this feud couldn’t be settled on a pay per view? Even if they wait until the Elimination Chamber? So Sean Waltman said it best on Twitter. The Miz is losing because no on is interested enough to care that he is the number one entrant. I hope the Miz gets a win at a PPV later. Ryder has a broken back. I didn’t see any news, did he really get hurt?

Johnny Wooden GM is warming up in a boxing robe. It looks very awkward on him. Johnny angry. I got a bad fax. He’s being ordered not to fight! The last ad for the Rumble is on now. It’s 11! Johnny saunters down to the ring. The board of directors finally watched the show evidently. They canned HHH for less. Who gets to give him the evaluation. Johnny gives another insincere apology. He puts Mick Foley in the Rumble match. Good nostaglia stuff. Punk still wishes to can Johnny. He kind of buried JR. Otunga gets the match. Anaconda Vice puts him away quickly. The crowd is hot for Punk to do it. Johnny gets the GTS. My boy Dolph attacks him from behind ensuring his loss on Sunday. Go KSU! -Kevin

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