Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #iMPACTWrestling

I had no idea there was a Vietnamese Restaurant across the street.

I’m so glad to have learned that I have a Vietnamese restaurant named Lac Viet. I love watching No Reservations and Bizarre Foods. I also watch a large batch of cooking shows. Any show that has mentioned Vietnam, they’ve raved about Pho. I got my first taste of it this past Sunday. I finished the leftovers before I started this review. Ridiculously awesome stuff. Anybody that comes to Columbus will get to try this place. Just excellent. Enough about food. Let’s roll.

We get review of Sting/Bobby Roode/James Storm. I love how Brandon Jacobs is “returning” to iMPACT. Stupid taping schedule. I might have to start drinking during this show anytime they mention Twitter. They’re getting to be as bad as the WWE. Bobby Roode runs down Sting and claims that he is going to retire tonight. Crimson & Matt Morgan are arguing. They’re going to win back the tag titles. They come out shortly after. Samoa Joe & Magnus come out. Tenay is still selling the unbeaten streak of Crimson. No one cares. Crimson nails the pole with a shoulder as they hit a commercial break.

Morgan gets the hot tag not long after the break ends. Joe makes the weakest save I’ve ever seen. Then Magnus runs at Crimson after Joe got knocked down. How dumb. It looks like Morgan & Crimson are going to feud again. Another communication gaffe. The segment makes sense now but I still hate them breaking up. Why did they get put together in the first place?

Brandon Jacobs comes out from the back this week. Evidently he’s drinking buddies with James Storm. He is not doing well. Jacobs shouldn’t have been past the guard rail. He’s back in Bully’s territory because they have unfinished business. He calls out Bully Ray. He does a good job with the chicken shit heel promo. They go to break as Jacobs runs after him.

Jacobs is still looking for him in the back. James Storm and Jeff Hardy stop him and give him an offer he likes. Zema Ion is taking on Alex Shelley. Ion starts things out with a drop kick thru the ropes. Shelley is allowed to recover when he gets tossed into the ring. Austin Aries comes out for a ring side seat. Good match so far as Shelley hits a suicide dive. Ion uses the hair spray to blind Shelley, nails a couple of moves and gets the win.

They recap the Eric/Garrett Bischoff feud. Garrett is going to keep on fighting. Everyone loses matches, why is this loss so big? Hogan reminds him that he’s going to have a bulls eye on his back because of his father. For some reason, Garrett’s going to get jumped. Um, why aren’t people jumping people all the time then? Madison Rayne says that Gail’s competition wasn’t good enough for Gail. I have said I think heels should turn on each other more but having Gail & Madison along with Ion & Aries going at the same time makes things really strange.

Gail Kim takes on ODB with Eric Young at ringside. Tenay unwittingly mentions Chris Brown so I think of the WWE. Prerecording sucks. Gail is in control until Madison comes down. ODB gets some liquid courage from ODB. Gail makes ODB Eat the Feet for the win. Madison tries to convince Gail they’re still friends. Gail is not buying. AJ Styles is not going to concern himself with Daniels & Kazarian. He’s going to focus on the World Title. Good plan. You were going nowhere fast with those two.

They have a nice story talking about Jesse Sorensen and his mother. I was digging him. As long as he dropped the damn football. AJ Styles is going after the TV Title. I remember this champ like the IC or US Title champs in the US. Oh, it’s Robbie E with Robbie T. It has been a good thing that TNA has kept Mr. T out of the ring. Why did AJ go outside the ring so Robbie T could cut him off? What a dummy. Mr. E took over after that. He just looks like he’s acting. Ryder feels authentic. Mr. T tried to help Mr. E but AJ nails the Pele kick. Kazarian & Daniels hit the ring. Kaz tosses AJ into the post. He glares at Daniels then walks off. Daniels looks like he’s having an orgasm. I’m not sure why.

Bully Ray is teaming with Kurt Angle. Jeff Hardy hits the ring with some funky face paint. James Storm comes out second. There’s something funny about Bully Ray being in the best shape of his life and Angle being in the worst shape of his life. Brandon Jacobs gets introed by James Storm. Angle ducks out of the ring when Hardy gets tagged in. They hit the commercials. I’m not sure why it just dawned on me that Sting’s announcement is the main event. Not a big fan but it does involve the champ of the company. AJ wants a gauntlet match with Kazarian & Daniels. Another dummy. Bully Ray takes control which is win Jcobs jumps in the ring. Jacobs puts Ray thru the table with some help from Storm. Taz makes an incoherent analogy about Jacobs and Jeremy Lin.

Sting says he’s done but is being intentionally vague. Bobby Roode comes out to mock him. Roode wants Sting to admit that he’s the better man. Sting is being laborious. Bobby woke him up. He’s not going to halfway anything. I hope your boss isn’t listening. Sting says he’s going to kick the crap out of him at Victory Road. Sting lets a ball shot slide but then surprises Roode with one. Nice. I’m not a fan of crazy Sting. Or him wearing a shirt while wrestling. The build up has been good though. -Kevin

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