The Columbus Crew starts their season tomorrow at the Colorado Rapids. I’m excited for the season. I’ve gone to as many games as possible since I moved here which happened to be the same year the MLS started play. (Edit: The Crew started playing at Crew Stadium when I moved here. It’s the seventeenth season of MLS. Two different things. As usual, I’m an idiot.) I’m extra excited this year because I have season tickets. If you want to check out some reports, give my friend Patrick Guldan and his band of writers at Massive Report a view. Most of you have probably read more about soccer in the above paragraph than you will the rest of the year. I’ll finally get to wrestling. Let’s roll.
Johnny Wooden GM kicks off the show with a cage match between Santino Marella and Jack Swagger. Nothing happens until Santino tries to escape. Swagger turns him into a lawn dart. My boy Dolph gets tossed from ring side at the commercial break. Swagger still has the Johnny mock hair cut. Never sure why people try to go over the cage. It’s so much easier to go out the door. I’d be fine with the stipulation that you can’t win by going thru the door to cover that loop hole. Vickie accidently nails Swagger, Santino gets the duke. They’re either trying to protect Swagger or make Santino look weak. I’m not sure why they’re doing the former and it’s dumb to do the later. Mitchell Cool calls himself Walter Cronkite. Unfortunately, Josh & T don’t call him out on his way outdated reference. Cool does it all the time. He should get his verbal beating.
We get replay of the ending. Again. And more Johnny & Otunga, aren’t we lucky? Johnny threatens Kane vs Aksana. Um, why didn’t Teddy argue how bad it’d look to the board to have a 300+ pound man against a woman? Granted, the board is a bunch of dolts. If Teddy wins, Aksana wrestles Kane. Is he trying to look horrendous to the board?
After FF thru the UT/HHH/Michaels, I’m already thirty six minutes into the show. I’m only twenty minutes behind now. Chances are good I catch up soon. Drew McIntyre is here because of Johnny Wooden GM. He’s going to get his job back if he beats a jobber. Oh, it’s the Great Khali. Three little kids like him, they’re the only ones the camera men can find. Otunga introduces McIntyre’s real opponent, Hornswoggle. Johnny got the opener right but he’d be fired in any real job for the remainder of the program. Drew pulls Hornswoggle’s shoulders off the mat. The ref does the right thing and calls the match. Again, stressing how bad this decision is to the board, why would they like someone to be rehired who can’t match their salary? Teddy is lacing up his boots. Aksana pleads to him. Teddy is going to teach Johnny a lesson.
Johnny is warming up in the back. Mr. Excitement is living up to the mock nickname. Ezekiel Jackson is taking on Mark Henry. Zeke gets to stay a jobber. They talk up Henry’s accomplishments in power lifting.
Johnny with Otunga is set to take on Teddy with Aksana. When is the switch happening to Kane vs Teddy? Johnny tries to talk sense into Teddy. Why are neither Booker or Josh arguing how bad this would look to the board? Dumbasses. Orton RKOs Kane. Teddy rolls up Johnny and gets the win. Teddy & Aksana flee. They do the smart thing and leave the arena. Kane is still down after a single move. Pretty dumb in its own regard.
Kofi Kingston & R Truth are officially in a tag team. Rosa Mendes with Primo & Epico take them on.I’m not going to be in the right spot to enjoy Rosa dancing this coming Tuesday. There is a lot of gyrating going on in this match and at ringside. Truth & Kofi get the win. The crowd seemed to be into them. Kofi is hoping Truth doesn’t get suspended again like his old partner.
Cool was granted an interview with Sheamus & Daniel Bryan. Yeah, because they’ve never done an interview with Josh or Striker. I’ve got to admit, I’m surprised I haven’t caught up yet. I could be if I buzzed thru the ring entrances. Bryan gives a little guff to Cool. Good for him. Bryan is killing it for me in the promo department. I hope he keeps his head above water when he loses the title. Sheamus puts a very nice image in my head by saying AJ should be in a Catholic Girl’s uniform. I’ll be back in a minute. Cody Rhodes comes down when I feel like there should have been a response from Bryan. Big Show comes to the ring as the commercial hits. Ah fuck, James Roday is going to be at Raw. Damn it, have Raw here instead of that shit hole Cleveland. They can have Smackdown.
The weird alternating continues with The Miz coming out next. Randy Orton is next. Chances are pretty good he gets lured or taken out of this match by Kane. Still not quite caught up. My mutt Kia is being a pain in the ass. She keeps pawing my left arm as I type. She won’t go back to sleep. Her eye lids are half closed. An Orton vs Rhodes feud would be somewhat fresh with Cody’s true emergence. Sheamus has taken a lot of beat down. Can’t do it to Big Show. Cody gets man handled by Show. They’re out. Miz gets the hang up DDT. Bryan fights off the same move. Sheamus brawls with him. Orton RKOs the Miz for the win. Kane chooses not to show up during the match. Bad timing for the heels. -Kevin