Kevin’s Blog: Definitely Live & Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

There are two lessons to be learned from this weekend. The more important lesson is above. After the age of twelve, you should never go anywhere dressed up like your “hero”. This act automatically makes you more than a douche bag. You go straight to douche duffel because your doucheness can not be confined to a simple bag. Just in case you’re not familiar with the impersonation above, Google Rickie Fowler. He has a fantastic child molester mustache. The second lesson from the weekend should be a common theme here on my blog, Kent State kicks ass. On Friday, the baseball team (ranked #25) toppled #13 Kentucky in a twenty one inning  marathon. On Saturday, they beat the hosts of the regional round, #11 Purdue, 7-3. On Sunday, they did what they couldn’t do last year. They punched their ticket to Super Regionals this coming weekend by beating Kentucky 3-2 in nine innings. I debated traveling to see them play but they will be taking on the #10 Oregon Ducks in Eugene. That flight is a bit much for a three game series. Let’s roll.

My cable is blowing currently. Good thing it’s recap of Big Show boring me to death last week. Mitchell Cool gets introduced for some reason. Oh, he’s going to act pompous to John Cena. I can’t wait. (I’m being so sarcastic.) Cool delivers the pompous. My TV is still gacking up. Cena makes a great defense case. Cool is still avoiding why Johnny Wooden GM still has a job. He defied the Board’s ruling! Cool is heeling it up well. Cena is still making better counter points. Johnny comes out. Cena milks his choice of Mitchell Cool. Did Cool get divorced? He doesn’t have his ring on.

Mitchell Cool complains to Johnny backstage. There is a rumor about a job evaluation. It’s sort of a fun yo-yo effect that they have going with the evaluations but it’s still dumb. If you need to be checked on every other months for more than six months, you should be fired. Vickie Guerrero comes out to introduce Dolph Ziggler. He has a rematch with Sheamus. I’m not sure why Lawler isn’t throwing more of “I’m undefeated or awesome” whatever Cool bragged out. If someone isn’t feeding him those reminders, they need to be canned too. Commercial break.

We resume with Ziggler in control. The woman can’t stop talking about Vickie’s boobs. She finally realized that she may not be wearing a bra. White Noise then the Brogue Kick. My boy’s move to the singles division has not gone well. Ziggler needs to start winning. Alberto Del Rio attacks Sheamus on the ramp. Del Rio locks in the cross arm breaker for which he won’t get in trouble. But Johnny’s show is much less lawless than HHH’s. (Even more sarcasm.)

Johnny Wooden GM is talking to someone random who looks like a mini version of David Otunga. Vince McMahon is the one doing the job performance evaluation. Mitchell Cool is fine with the decision but tells the whole audience how transparent the move is. Glad you could undo all the good you did at the top of the show already. Sin Cara gets to botch moves live again! Only Mexicans hate each other, unless they’re rich, so he is wrestling Hunico. The lighting is still distracting more than mystifying. I am not digging his finisher. It looks like any other face plant. How is it different than a bull dog?

I’m tuning out another Ryback squash. At least they’ve been getting mic time. Lawler says “Are you kdding me?” when Ryback goes for his finisher. Glad to know you don’t watch Smackdown, Lawler, like the majority of your audience.

CM Punk comes out first so that he can have a segment with Daniel Bryan. And probably because neither of these guys have pyro. Yes! Yes! Yes! Good format for a promo really. Three talking points. Kind of like a haiku. Punk doing a good job of sticking and moving to start the match. Kane tosses Punk out of the ring so we have a good commercial break. During this match, I’ve learned that I get three hours of Raw for the Big Johnny Evaluation. I’m a lucky duck. (You’re getting the sarcasm, right?) Punk is throwing the ammo at Kane but only getting a two count. Bryan gets in a couple of cheap kicks. AJ comes down to tell the ref of Bryan’s cheap shots. Kane takes advantage of a distracted Punk for the win. AJ gets cornered but like all women in the WWE they can’t unglue themselves from Kane’s sexy stare. Nothing happens. A love triangle. Interesting.

Josh Matthews ask AJ about smiling at Kane. She wants guys to look at her. Hey, isn’t this Eve’s gimmick? AJ thinks he might be her type. Cool begs to not be in the match. Big Show gets a sit down promo to bore me. Turn 22 isn’t exciting for anyone. Eighteen years of being held back. Yeah, OK pal. Multiple championships is fodder evidently.

Kofi Kingston & R Truth came down before the break. Wow, the LA Kings are thumping New Jersey. Curt Hawkins & Tyler Reks get to wrestle. The match is started during the break. Lie Detector by Truth isn’t a finisher. Are they really trying to bring back some semblance of a tag division? They are going to need more of their roster if Raw is going to be three hours. Trouble in Paradise. How about letting the new guys win against a non-champion to help build them up if you want them to stick around. We could just enjoy more replays with the extra hour of TV. The Cena vs Cool match seems to be on too early. Punk is on already. How will they drag this out?

One way to drag it out, have a replay of old footage! When Raw was good. How about writing better material now? John Cena comes out first. Johnny Wooden GM shows up. He makes the match No DQ if Cena can beat Tensai who has been downgraded in the wardrobe now. Sakamoto attacks Cena while Cool cheerleads and the ref is distracted with Tensai. After the commercial break, Tensai is still looking fat and slow in the ring.  Oh, I like that the Funkasaurus was gone this week. Cool can’t call a match so he yells at Cena the whole time. We’re supposed to believe Tensai’s offense will keep down Cena. Do they want us to forget about the hundreds of Raws Cena was on? Attitude Adjustment for the guy who should have stayed in Japan. So the match with Mitchell is a no DQ match. Cool runs thru the crowd. Solid idea. Cool works so much better as a manager than an announcer. Managers are dead with the exception of Vickie. Cool yaps more. An announcer shouldn’t be featured this much. This segment works but I still don’t like the time Cool is getting. It feels like a filler segment. We’re still in the two hour edition. Thanks for the JR’s BBQ sauce plug. Just in time for summer grilling. Tensai bombs Cena. I was wondering when he’d pop up. It doesn’t help Cool. Attitude Adjustment for another win. Lawler pimps the evaluation. -Kevin

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