Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

From the chicagotribune.com

From the chicagotribune.com

Chris Calamita gave me a heads up that CM Punk went on to Colt Cabana’s podcast The Art of Wrestling (I had used that name for a column before your podcast) and talked about his departure from the WWE. I tried to download it on iTunes at work today to no avail. I did read a Cliff’s Notes version of the show which filled in the major talking points. It’s one person telling their side of the story. I’m sure a lot of it is true. I’m sure there is plenty of bluster in there. From what I see on TV, I definitely agree that “It’s a very creatively stifling, toxic environment.” I wonder if the WWE will address this. Vince seems to like to do his talking on TV so I won’t be surprised if tonight is a giant Eff You to Punk. Because that’s the way a genius runs his empire, by pissing away valuable TV time instead of building up talent. Time to jump into that pile of toxic waste.

I’m completely unamused by the whole Anonymous GM thing. I can’t type or say that enough. John Cena agrees with me. We get the Anonymous GM interrupting a heart felt John Cena speech likely to pump up Dolph Ziggler but his name doesn’t get mentioned. Cena doesn’t quite close the lap top when the ringing stops. Seth Rollins comes out and mocks Cena. Rollins ends with the charge that Cena is trying to steal the spot light. Rollins ends up mentioning Sting. Cena finally mentions Dolph Ziggler by name. Rollins brings up the fact that Board of Directors still exists and that they’re messing with John Cena. I completely agree. What he fought for is already a farce. Rollins ends with a “Bring back the Authority” card which makes me even more worried that Cena will change his mind and actually do it. Cena is going to drag this sincerity crap out. The Anonymous GM put them in a Tables Match at TLC. Cena loses his number one contender status if he loses the match. Cole seems ready to announce a way to get a new number one but he goes back to the head set. Kane comes down. Ryback tries to make a save but is eventually beaten down by Kane with a chair. Erick Rowan makes the save. He starts to beat up Rollins when the Big Show appears. Big Show bashes him with stairs. Dolph Ziggler makes an appearance finally. Luke Harper blind sides Ziggler. Big Show ends up KO Punching Cena. Rollins finishes by putting Cena through the table.

I was wondering what the reception of New Day would be on Raw since Smackdown is, in my opinion, not the actual crowd. They didn’t get much of a response from the live crowd. The Dust Brothers have to start jobbing yet again. Kofi & Big E combine for the Big Ending with help from Kofi off the top ropes. I feel bad for them. They went with the brothers uniting gimmick then got booted as champs. They re-invent themselves, win the tag team titles. lose them in a few months and are now jobbing to New Day. Tyson Kidd & Cesaro are the next to take on New Day. Big E is putting a hurting on Tyson Kidd. Kofi tags in and gets help to jump onto Cesaro & Kidd. The Dust Brothers attack Xavier Woods distracting Kofi. Kidd rolls him up to eliminate New Day. The Usos are the next team in. Kidd uses Natalya to turn things around. Cesaro is in control after the break. Kidd tags back in so the Usos turn it back around. Natalya holds onto Kidd to keep Uso from hurting him. That doesn’t save him for long. Super kick followed by a tag and a top rope splash. Cesaro & Kidd are eliminated. Adam Rose & The Bunny are the final team in. Naomi is in the back watching the match. The Bunny tags in unbeknownst to Rose. They bicker. Jey gets the drop on The Bunny. The Bunny still power bombs Jey. Rose tags in. they bicker again. Jimmy splashes Rose to win a shot at The Miz & Damien Mizdow at TLC. They talk to Naomi back stage. He compoliments her on her twerking. The Miz tries to sell her on a Hollywood producer. She plays along with Mizdow giving her a fake business card.

Erick Rowan is back stage. He shakes his head “No” and “Yes” to his answers. Rowan finally says “He’s a bully” and gives Tom a completed Rubix Cube. The Big Show is happy about being a bully. Big Show just wants to hurt people now. Rowan gets the upper hand quickly. Show beats him back into the ring to get the drop on Rowan. Big Show starts a methodical beat down. Rowan turns it around with a corner splash. He clothes lines Big Show out of the ring. Big Show tosses him into the stairs. Big Show hits him with the stairs for the DQ. Big Show smiles and walks away. Renee Young gets to interview Vince McMahon. He’s excited for his time on Stone Cold Steve Austin’s podcast. She asks him about bring back the Authority. Oh crap, this is happening sooner than later.

Fandango is set to take on Jack Swagger when we see that Zeb Colter was attacked back stage. Rosa Mendes announces him the Count Out victory. Rusev shows up with Lana.

She is ready to talk when we come back from commercial. Allegedly, he attack Colter. This is the way they will shoe horn in another feud with Jack Swagger. I’m not excited.

Damien Mizdow is taking on Fernando, right? The Miz being on the head set is the main attraction to this match so the announcers don’t say. It’s not a tag team match so you can’t mix them up. Mizdow is doing  well in the ring. Fernando taps out to the Figure Four. Jimmy Uso comes out and slaps The Miz upside the head. He says “Stay away from my wife.”

R Truth is fodder for Bray Wyatt. He barks at Ambrose as he attacks Truth. I hope this stays a squash. Truth dodges the back splash. Truth nails a spin kick. Lie Detector. It barely phases Wyatt. He slams Wyatt face first into the apron. Sister Abigail for the win. Cool by me.

Bray Wyatt talks about Jacob’s Ladder. He isn’t going to use it for the same devices Jacob did. Tables, Ladders & Chairs “Oh my!” Dean Ambrose comes out. He ends up getting the better of Wyatt. Ambrose leaves him laying on the announcer’s table. Ambrose sets up a ladder. Wyatt tries to get away. Ambrose attacks again. The referees stop the assault. Ambrose ends up destroying Wyatt’s rocking chair. Wyatt flips out but is held back by the refs.

Brie & Nikki Bella are taking on AJ Lee & Naomi. Nikki drop kicks Naomi in the thigh. I don’t think that was on purpose. Brie knees Naomi in the face. Running upper cut into the corner. Nikki comes back in. Naomi finally makes a tag. AJ goes after Nikki. She then catches Brie coming into the ring. Tornado DDT gets a two count due to a Brie save. AJ hits the Shining Wizard. Nikki taps out to the Black Widow. Mick Foley is selling for WWEShop.com with Noelle Foley. Fun segment.

Paul Heyman makes his point of why Brock Lesnar should not be on every day of the week. Brock is going to be well rested if Cena wins his match. They are intrigued by who number one contender will be. Please, no Sting vs Lesnar match.  Good stuff.

I turn the sound off for the main event of John Cena, Dolph Ziggler and Ryback taking on Luke Harper, Kane & Seth Rollins. Vince McMahon thinks that Cesaro doesn’t have “It.” Stone Cold hammers that he got jerked around too much. Vince defends his opinion. Everyone on the internet is going nuts, right? Ryback is battling Luke Harper when I start paying attention. Ryback can’t pull off the vertical suplex. He then gets it as they go to break. Ziggler tags in. Harper attacks him. Kane gets tagged in. Ziggler puts a sleeper on Kane. Ziggler starts getting the beat down. Dolph is selling like a champ. Ziggler jaw jacks Rollins to get an opening. Cena gets the big tag in. Five knuckle Shuffle. Joey Mercury clocks Cena. Rollins tries for a pin. Kane is working over Cena after another break. Super kick by Harper only gets a two count. Rollins cuts off Cena from getting a tag. Rollins misses a dive. Ziggler tags in and cleans house. Fame Asser on Harper. After the spot spot, Harper hits a power bomb. Ziggler kicks out. Ziggler rolls up Harper for the win. Everyone brawls. Big Show joins the fray. Erick Rowan makes the save with a set of stairs. The faces toss Big Show into the stairs held by Rowan. Erick looks like he has a nice real knot on his head. – Kevin

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