Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw

Screen cap about Trade deadline day in the NHL

Screen cap about Trade deadline day in the NHL

My goal for every Monday Night Raw should be to get a tweet similar to this one on the WWE’s screen crawler. Let’s get to this review.

Seth Rollins comes out and I watch for the first time him being on the The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Roman Reigns breaks up the comedy angle. For some random reason, Reigns posits the idea of Rollins using the MITB Briefcase to make the match a three way. Rollins runs through his choices so Reigns clocks him. J&J Security take their bumps.

Randy Orton greets Seth Rollins and  J&J. Orton offers Rollins advice about getting a match with Reigns. Rollins tells Orton he’ll handle this one on his own. Orton should be making a more reasonable idea to Rollins.

We get a replay of Smackdown with R Truth & Dean Ambrose. The later has a match while the former is on the head set again. Wade Barrett is fighting Ambrose. Truth tells us he’s afraid of heights. Barrett poses with his belt as Ambrose is recovering on the outside. Ambrose gets launched back to the outside. Barrett pushes Truth. Ambrose nails Barrett with a suicide dive. Ambrose hits the standing clothesline drop. That’s a good description, right? Winds of Change gets a two count. Luke Harper shows up behind Truth. Truth gives Harper the title. Barrett is distracted again. Dirty Deeds for the win. I love locker room parties. The Miz is debuting his new commercial. The Miz didn’t need to preview the commercial. Naturally, it was a “Niagra” aka Viagra commercial. We have a whole lot of tents set up. That’s how campy this segment is. Damien Mizdow finally has a stare down with the Miz. For some reason, Mizdow is fired from the WWE if Miz let’s him go? How does that happen? Mizdow is shaking because of how angry he is.

Bray Wyatt comes out with a pine box. He made it just for Undertaker. Wyatt is irked by Taker’s silence. His silence will come with a price though. Wyatt tells Taker he can’t hide from him. Wyatt lights his coffin on fire. I was half waiting for Taker to pop up out of it. (Next Day Note: I had been growing tired of this one sided verbal spat but really liked this segment. Maybe Taker will just show at Wrestlemania.)

Natalya, Cesaro & Tyson Kidd are sure to be taking on the Usos & Naomi. Kidd & Cesaro have another nice team move with the pull down into a knee. Naomi tags in early. Natalya fakes a leg injury. She tags Kidd in. Whisper in the Wind by Jimmy leads to a Jey tag. Kidd tags in Natalya to save himself. She bitches at Kidd. Naomi rolls her up for the win. Nattie keeps saying he knew she was injured. Just let her be evil. No reason for them (Kidd and Nattie) to have discord. It’s a good gimmick for everyone. Stop being too cute by a half.

John Cena comes out and Raw from last week gets recapped. You don’t need to have a three hour product. Just saying. We’ve seen plenty of recaps from Smackdown so it was fresh to see one from Raw. Cena is entering the Andre The Giant Battle Royal. Stephanie McMahon comes out. Plenty of people have already declared it and Cena mentions it. She tells him he can’t compete in the match. She can find someone to get the job done against Rusev. Axelmania comes out and asks to take on Rusev at Wrestlemania. Cena’s star is falling. He has to prove himself against the Axe Man. Steph then tells us what we all already knew, Cena needs to get Rusev to change his mind. (Next Day Note: Using Stephanie was a good way to extend this process of Cena getting his re-match. Now the question is, will Rusev get put over?)

We get a commercial before this squash match. They were even kind enough to wait for it. Axel is posing in the ring. Cena is giving us his mean face. STF tap out quickly. Cena needed to show more malice. Rusev shows up next. By the way, I am so going to review that piece of garbage cookie cutter house him and Lana purchased in Nashville. Hopefully the Nashville Nelsons are their neighbors. Rusev still doesn’t want a match with Cena.

HHH comes out to do more talking for his feud since Sting isn’t talking. Booker T gets invited into the ring because he said HHH might have kept Sting from coming to WCW. Booker keeps up his pro WCW stance so HHH fires him. HHH was just joshing and didn’t really fire Booker. HHH is going to finish WCW by beating Sting. (Next Day Note: It’s kind of funny that I’m okay with this one way verbal spat but not as sold on the other. Sting showing up for token appearances and the length of the set up has helped.)

Paige is taking on Nikki Bella for the Divas Title. Brie is of course in Nikki’s corner. It appears if the WWE is giving the Divas a chance this week. Nikki has been in control but can’t pin Paige. She starts pounding on Nikki. Brie distracts Paige. She super kicks Brie. Nikki tries to take advantage but Paige super kicks her too. Paige puts Nikki in the PTO. Brie attacks to cause the DQ. AJ Lee makes the save. Paige & AJ say “Eff it” and join forces. I enjoyed them getting weird last time, but just play them as baby faces, please.

AJ Lee is skipping backstage when Renee Young stops her. Paige wonders why she showed up. They play the relationship as being confusing again. No. Just no. Seth Rollins does jokes from a really bad desk set up. We get the Daily Show recap again because we haven’t had enough highlights yet. Jon Stewart shows up. It appears as if they let Stewart write his own material. Good choice. After a number of pointed criticisms, Rollins starts to stalk Stewart. Randy Orton comes out to help and distracts Rollins. Stewart kicks him in the groin and flees. Smart move on his part.

Renee Young gets to interview Jon Stewart. She wonders whether he’ll stick around in the WWE. He flees knowing Rollins might come. Smart move on his part again. Luke Harper comes out with the IC Title in tow. Daniel Bryan is his opponent. Harper takes it to him quickly. Bryan makes a short come back until Harper dumps Bryan outside of the ring.

Bryan is in control. Harper takes back over though because Bryan is still willing to take some wicked neck bumps. Bryan squirms around Harper and slaps on the Yes Lock for the tap out win. Bryan sells the arm injury. We have an IC Title swap moment. Dolph Ziggler ends it by super kicking Harper. Bryan has ceased selling the right arm injury. Alundra Blayze aka Medusa is the next inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame. Why isn’t she being inducted under her real name though? Randy Orton gives Seth Rollins a dressing down. Orton wants to know if Rollins needs help. Kane & Big Show pop up to help Rollins. If they don’t trust them, why aren’t they busy hating each other instead of both faking liking each other? I just don’t understand.

Paul Heyman is in the middle of the ring. Heyman is shooting from the hip. Brock Lesnar will be at Wrestlemania. He will also be anywhere he damn well pleases now and later. Heyman insulting Lilian is a nice touch. Heyman really turned it on for this one. He resold Reigns and the anger seemed true with all of the mic problems. Him chucking it back to Lilian was a nice final touch. (Next Day Note: The WWE is dealing with a lot of absentee promos. It’s a good thing that Bray Wyatt, HHH and Paul Heyman are holding up their end of the bargain.)

Roman Reigns vs Seth Rollins is our main event. The clown car is outside the ring. Reigns is dominate early with Rollins taking breaks outside. Booker T is comparing Reigns to Rocky Balboa. Even Michael Cole is selling Brock Lesnar. Interesting turn on the commentary. They are underdogging Reigns. Rollins dodges so that Reigns hits the post with his shoulder. Randy Orton comes down at the break. Rollins side kicks Reigns after another distraction but only gets a two count. Reigns gives Rollins a one armed power bomb. Both men are down. Rollins gets launched to the outside. Reigns takes out Big Show and tosses Rollins back in the ring. Kane hits Reigns in the stomach with a chair. The announcers are selling Reigns ability to take punishment too. Orton distracts Reigns after a pair of Superman Punches. Rollins rolls up Reigns for the with win. The Authority celebrates. Reigns stews then attacks. He Superman Punches Big Show. Rollins tries to attack from the top rope but receives a spear. They’re doing the right things to build the main event match. – Kevin

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