Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw – 22 May ’17

The Grand Rapids Art Museum designed by Muckenbeck & Marshall Architects and later Kulapat Yantrasast of wHY Architecture. Saved from artmuseumgr.org

The WWE starts us off with Bray Wyatt babbling nonsense about feasting on the black heart of Brock Lesnar. He then assesses why the other people in the match shouldn’t be cheered for. Roman Reigns is the only one to come out and confront Wyatt. Reigns is ready to get Wyatt out of his ring. Kurt Angle comes out and agrees with Reigns.

They don’t have much of a match until Samoa Joe stomps down to the ring. He talks to Wyatt who is wary. Joe locks the Kokina Clutch on Reigns for the DQ. Seth Rollins comes down for the save.

Kurt Angle waits until after the break to set the tag team match I expected to be announced last segment. The Drifter shows up again. His first match is against Dean Ambrose.

Akira Tozawa is taking on a ridiculous looking Ariya Daivari. Brian Kendrick is back stage because he has a match with Tozawa tomorrow on 205 Live. Senton from the top rope for the Tozawa win. That looked rough.

Sasha Banks gets asked about having a rubber match with Alicia Fox. Her & Noam Dar make fun of her for not having a man. That will generate heat. (Smell the bouquet of sarcasm.)

Elias Samson gets to sing in the ring. Dean Ambrose really could have interrupted him earlier. The Miz is on the head set. I’m shocked that Corey Graves gives Samson credit for being a good wrestler. Much needed in someone’s debut. Samson is working over Ambrose more than I expected. Michael Cole thinks you can only scout an opponent during live action. Yep, no one watches video. Not a soul. Samson even stops an Ambrose “Hulk Up.” The Miz comes down and clubs Samson so he can win by DQ. Ambrose chases The Miz around. Samson attacks Ambrose from behind. He still has a swinging neck breaker for a finisher.

Enzo Amore is laid out back stage. Big Cass is pissed. I’m sure we’ll get an answer soon enough. Benjamin Boone helps carry off Enzo.

Finn Balor gets mic time before he takes on Karl Anderson. He is interrupted by Paul Heyman. He goes through the possible suitors starting with Wyatt, Rollins, Samoa Joe and Roman Reigns. They are all going to be victims. Heyman tells Balor that he is no victim. Heyman even tells him that he’s the best performer in the WWE right now. Balor thinks of Lesnar as a victim according to Heyman. Balor nods in agreement. Balor will win at Extreme Rules and then will beat Lesnar for his Universal Championship.

The match starts after a break. Anderson looks more competent in singles matches than tag matches. Overhead Kick turns the tide for Balor. He takes out Luke Gallows who wasn’t doing much at ring side any way. Anderson hits a spine buster. Balor flips dives onto both fo them on the outside. Sling Blade. Coup De Grace.

Alicia Fox and Sasha Banks have their third match. I am not looking forward to this. Noam Dar distracts Banks. Fox gives her a big boot. Banks wins with the double knees in the corner. I did not see that coming. Were they afraid Fox couldn’t take the Bank Statement? Dar gets in Banks face. Banks slaps Dar. Fox attacks from behind and leaves her laying.

Apollo Crews didn’t attack Enzo Amore. Kalisto asked the question for reasons unknown. Titus O’Neil tries to recruit Kalisto for the Titus Brand.

Shattered Dreams Productions are back. Goldust doesn’t need a script. He is back to being “The Director” of his career. Good luck with that.

Alexa Bliss is asked about her vicious streak. Bayley’s back looked good and welted. Bliss is going to make sure she is tattooed with welts. She’s sticking to the “Bayley can’t get extreme” theme.

Kalisto is taking on Apollo Crews. O’Neil is doing better as a brand rep than a wrestler. Okay, maybe they’re not sticking with the theme. Salida Del Sol for the win which was caused after O’Neil screamed at Crews.

Matt Hardy is taking on Sheamus to determine who gets to choose the stipulation at Extreme Rules. Jeff Hardy and Cesaro are at ring side. The contest goes back and forth before a break aka standard match layout. Sheamus is wearing down Matt. White Noise only gets him a two count. Jeff jumps on the apron. It distracts Sheamus enough to let Matt grab the upper hand. Side Effect for a two count. Sheamus battles out of a nother Side Effect attempt. Sheamus high knees Matt. He grabs the ropes to save the three count. Matt gets knocked outside. Cesaro attempts to interferes but Jeff jumps off the apron to clothes line him. This distracts Sheamus. Twist of Fate for the win. They pick a steel cage match for some reason. They’re known for the TLC stuff. Booker was the only one to question this choice.

Neville & Tony Nese are in the ring. Austin Aries comes out first. Oh, Neville is just at ring side. Nese got in some offense but it was Last Chancery for a fairly quick win by Aries. Neville goes into the ring and locks on the Rings of Saturn. Aries mockingly claps for him.

Alexa Bliss comes out for her match with Mickie James. She really starts taking it to her with some cross faces. Bliss turns things around with a forearm to a charging James. DDT for the win. Stone Cold smiles after everyone of her matches. Bliss grabs a kendo stick and whacks James. Bayley comes out and gains control of the kendo stick. Bliss rolls out of the ring before Bayley can swing.

Roman Reigns & Seth Rollins are taking on Bray Wyatt & Samoa Joe. Rollins tried to spare Reigns getting his body beat up and started the match. Unfortunately, Reigns is still selling the whole body injury so when he does get into the match, he’s selling again. Rollins gets the hot tag. His streak ends after a double suicide dive. Samoa Joe recovers to attack Rollins perched on the top rope. Rollins fights off both Joe & Wyatt. He cross bodies both of them. Wyatt recovers and goes for a Sister Abigail. Superman Punch. Reigns & Rollins double team Joe. Reigns runs into Rollins going after Joe. They argue. Samoa Joe gives Rollins the Kokina Clutch for the win.

Finn Balor wants to be a bad ass. Kurt Angle tells him he has both Bray Wyatt and Samoa Joe. Seth Rollins will take on Roman Reigns. – Kevin DiFrango

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