This coming Monday’s “Raw 1,000” will feature the marriage of Daniel Bryan and AJ, and in their honor, we present to you the finest wedding moments in WWE history. Of course, a “fine wrestling wedding” is like being the prettiest waitress at Denny’s, but that hasn’t stopped WWE from booking cringe-inducing wedding angles for years. In fact, let’s skip the first actual ceremony (it’s split into two 11-minute parts on YouTube, and I will not do that to you fine people) and get right into the WWF’s first wedding reception, for Paul “Butcher” Vachon and Ophelia. Welcome to the slowest god damn food fight in history:
WWF learned so much from the atrocity of this segment that they… held the next one, between Uncle Elmer and Joyce on a high-cost episode of NBC’s “Saturday Night’s Main Event.” Good lord, Vince McMahon could have poached a bald eagle on TV back then and it would have drawn a 10-point-0.
Possibly the greatest marriage angle of all time featured Macho Man Randy Savage and his long-time love, Miss Elizabeth. Audiences fell in love with the demure Elizabeth at first sight, but for years, Savage abused her verbally and occasionally took advantage of her presence physically. After a two-year on-screen split, Elizabeth returned to Savage’s side in a moment of need, and there wasn’t a dry seat in the house.
Mid-1991 brought a change of heart for the “Macho Man,” as he got down on one knee and proposed to the woman we all explored our bodies to:
Randy and Elizabeth were married at Summerslam 1991:
My god, that was 10 minutes? Anyway, in a Coliseum Video exclusive, we got to see Jake “The Snake” Roberts and the Undertaker crash the reception:
What else could you ask for? Humor! Drama! A snake! Sid! The Savages’ wedding had it all. So much, in fact, that we could even think about watching one more second of wedded wrestling bliss until 1999, when Undertaker forced Stephanie McMahon into unholy matrimony:
Damn, Stephanie was hot back then. And apparently she was in demand, as she would have been twice, if it weren’t for that meddling Triple H. Oh wait, he was her second!
God, that’s brilliant. That was the first and last time Triple H was awesome, and because that’s a fact, Jack, I won’t put you through the other TWO times Hunter and Steph were married on TV. Apparently WWE hit a point where straight marriages simply weren’t enough, so they decided to go homosexual and marry Billy and Chuck (in a segment that started with a lot of positive press and, predictably, ended very negatively):
But as they say, bad press is still press, and certainly that was enough of an excuse to air a wedding for the next three consecutive fucking years. The love train continued with Al Wilson and Dawn Marie:
Then Kane (an underrated talker) and Lita:
And Lita again, this time to Edge… OK, even I have to admit, this one’s good:
And don’t forget Snitsky’s poem to them both: x11asr_snitsky-s-wedding-poem_sport
(Side note: Let’s not ignore WCW’s 1994 attempt at a wrestling wedding, between Col. Robert Parker and Sister Sherri)
(Side note to the side note: Col. Parker explains that Sherri was drunk)
Now then, we’ve moved from marginal acts to main eventers back down to the C-list, with Teddy Long marrying Kristal Marshall in 2007 (But check out dapper Butch Reed! And notice Vince McMahon sitting first row, because he clearly has some sort of hard-on for this shit. Speaking of hard-ons, Teddy has a heart attack thanks to – you know it – Viagra):
And just to move things along, let’s keep the wedding of Edge and Vickie Guerrero short (albeit not very sweet):
And so it comes to this. For a short time, WWE relegated its weddings to NXT, including this one, with Goldust marrying Aksana:
And this one, with “the Dexter-like” Johnny Curtis marrying Maxine:
How would you have liked to be in the crowd for these? Well, just when things couldn’t possibly get better, at least WWE is putting the entertaining Daniel Bryan and the breakout star AJ at the altar during a three-hour block of time that could have easily been wasted with Dancing Brodus Clay Mommas (oh wait, they make us pay for those). Hold onto your hats, folks! -Eric