Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

I’m hoping I can talk about my time at the US vs Jamaica tomorrow at Crew Stadium for a World Cup qualifying match. Other than that, I got no stories from the weekend. Let’s roll.

Nice of Bret Hart to soak up the adulation. They’ve got enough time to kill. Nice of CM Punk to interrupt him. Bret is doing his part which is the most you can expect out of him. The WWE is doing their best to corner Punk as a heel. Canada makes a nice place to do this but it’s still Bizarro World.

Kofi Kingston & R Truth are taking on the Intercontinental Champion and the US Champion. Who knows who that is without help? I probably would have. The Miz & Antonio Cesaro are the correct answers. Even Mitchell Cool said that Kofi & Truth are rolling into the break. I saw some people playing rugby over the weekend down on campus. They weren’t wearing the thigh wraps. Just sayin’. Jerry Lawler calls a leg lariat a drop kick. Thanks for phoning it in King. The Tag Titles are worth more than either of those titles. Kofi Trouble In Paradises Cesaro for the win. They go over the Sheamus/Ricardo Rodriguez storyline. This angle is more interesting than anything Del Rio has been involved in.

The WWE thinks it’s a real movie studio by giving us scene right out of Suits. Not really. Sheamus’s last name is Lipschitz. She loves the asshole joke. Wow. Sheamus is doing a solid job. This segment is absurd. Why hasn’t Sheamus brought up the fact that Ricardo put himself in harm’s way?

I FF thru the babyface Diva’s entrance. For some weird reason, Alicia Fox is a heel again. The WWE loves the Divas division. Kaitlyn, Eve Torres and Layla El are a team. Beth Phoenix & Natalya are Fox’s partners. Lawler pointing out how bad the division is by saying that Layla has been champ since April. Eve gets the cheap tag Roll of the Dice win. Cool tries to sell us on a match shorter than he is. Shorter than AJ even. Punk berates her. Why didn’t she book a Cena match? Wouldn’t that be a good hook? Brodus Clay says hi because the WWE wants you to vote for him.

CM Punk comes out first. Since Mitchell is so awesome, he gets to make the announcement. Ugh. Randy Orton is the opponent. It looks like Orton is wrestling a miniature version of himself now that Punk has the same hair cut. Commercial before anything can happen. Punk has Eric’s favorite hold, the abdominal stretch, on after the break. Orton nails another superplex. He LOVES that move now. Orton has been playing to the crowd a hair more in his return. Dolph Ziggler attacks when Orton goes for the RKO. The woman even knows the WWE camera tricks when they zoom in on Orton so as to not see the second Ziggler attack. Jerry Lawler makes the save. The segment is so important, they cut to commercial.

They made a tag team match. No big surprise there. A couple of fist drops doesn’t stop Ziggler. I’m glad LAwler didn’t have the upper hand for long. Orton stomping the steps. Paul Heyman comes waddling down to the ring. He consults with Punk. Vicki is funny here. Heyman looks like more of a dick bag with Punk than he ever did with Lesnar. The cameras concentrate on them so that you can barely tell that Ziggler takes an RKO for the loss.

Heyman & Punk are mumbling when Matt Striker asks a dumb question. I’m a Paul Heyman guy. They milk the hug segment even more. Kane and Daniel Bryan talk sternly to each other. Oh my lord, for a “smart guy” my roommate can be a complete dumb ass. I just explained the DVR jam up and he doesn’t understand it. AJ invited the therapist to Raw. They might go into an abyss. We can’t stop laughing at the dumb ass.

Heath Slater says Zack Ryder got lucky last week. He wants a rematch with him. Ryback is his opponent. Time to FF. No one is surprised by the Ryback win, right? The Prime Time Players got called to AJ’s office. They have to beat the team they haven’t beaten, Kane & Daniel Bryan.

The match starts with Titus O’Neil and Kane. PTP are doing a good job of taking advantage of the discord. Bryan refuses to tag Kane even when he has a chance. Bryan misses a top rope head butt. Bryan has another chance to tag but kicks Young, a lot. Kane gets a blind tag. Choke Slam near the ropes allows Bryan to tag back in. Kane choke slams Bryan into Young. Bryan wins the fall. They get to take on Kofi & R Truth. We’ve got new champs, right? The WWE loves the odd couple storylines.

Alberto Del Rio takes on “home crowd” Tyson Kidd. Del Rio works over Kidd quickly. Kidd gets to apply the sharp shooter. No oen in the crowd is buying he has a chance to win. The cross arm breaker works for Del Rio. The crowd could still give a shit less. The crowd only reacts to his promo when he calls Kidd a Canadian peasant. Jerry Lawler passed out at ring side. I’m supposed to take this seriously. Oh, Michael Cole goes quite voice. Must be serious.

That ass hat comes up again and wonders if I’m recording a show tonight. Moron doesn’t know I record on Tuesday or Wednesday even after living here four months. Sheamus is taking on David Otunga. Maybe the crowd is subdued because they knew the information earlier. Maybe the Del Rio shitting on wasn’t entirely his fault. Otunga taps toe the Irish Cloverleaf. Sheamus comes back into the ring as the crowd chants “Brogue Kick”. Otunga gets one. AJ comes out. Booker T comes out and lays down the law. Sheamus will be stripped of the title but he is still conducting his investigation. Booker should have done some work over the weekend.

Kane & Daniel Bryan argue over what happened. The therapist tries to help out. They argue over who’s name is first. Team Friendship is rejected. Thank goodness. Really awkward with these skits not being narrated. Wow, no more commentary. I guess Dusty & I will get our ambient noise program we wished for last week. I don’t think we had this in mind though.

I can buzz thru the entrances since there won’t be any information coming my way. Rey Mysterio is taking on Cody Rhodes. He starts fast but Rey takes over. There’s no way to have Cody win this match. Sin Cara is way below Rey in the pecking order even at two suspensions to one. The Miz distracts Rey so that Cody can Roll The Dice and win. I’ll be damned. Rhodes nails the Miz too. The champ is having a rough night. Good way to get Cody moving back in the right direction.

I’m not trying to make light of the situation or even wish anything bad on Lawler but I’m going to any way. This incident is another reason the main play by play man of your company shouldn’t be an over the top heel who does his job poorly. I didn’t believe the guy at first. Then he has to throw his whole act aside and be concerned.

Bret Hart introduces John Cena. The crowd is booing. Hart compares Cena vs Punk to him vs Shawn Michaels. Nice. Cena playing it straight so far so good promo. Punk comes out when Hart calls him a phony. Punk is doing a great job here. I’m mesmerized. I get cut off right when Punk calls himself better than “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. Good promo but these mother fuckers still ran over. How about show King some real respect and get out of there in your damn time slot to go to the hospital. -Kevin

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