Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

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Supposedly it’s Wrestlemania season which means we as wrestling fans are in for the annual cycle of the year when the WWE writing staff actually abides by the simple rules above. Let’s see if they start tonight but I doubt it. They have some serious climbing to do after digging a hole that is most of the way to China.

Chris Jericho gets to kick off Raw. He gives an acceptance speech for his Slammy and naturally calls out Fandango. Paul Heyman answers the call. He wonders why he isn’t in charge. Jericho is looking for his two hundred dollars. I hope that’s a call back to Better Off Dead. (Next Day Note: I realize the paper boy was looking for two dollars. Jericho had to up the amount a little bit.) Heyman says that Seth Rollins failed and he comes out. Rollins gets in his face. He’s still pissed at Sting and now Roman Reigns because he had Cena beat. I love that Heyman is amused when Rollins calls Cena a coward. (Next Day Note: Heyman knows Cena isn’t a coward. He may think he’s hard headed on the other hand.) He challenges John Cena to a re-match. He shows up. Cena tells Rollins he is not being a man by bitching so much and blaming others. Cena wonders who can make the re-match. We don’t need it, really. I don’t need to watch Rollins lose again. (Next Day Note: I forgot Brock was scheduled for the event. I’m an idiot.) Jericho makes it a cage match. Rollins says that Jericho is jealous of him. Jericho makes a match for himself against Heyman since Rollins suggested it.

Big Show & Luke Harper are taking on Erick Rowan & Dolph Ziggler. Show starts against Ziggler. The announcers were correct in wondering why Ziggler started the match. Shouldn’t the Big Show be banged up from a stairs match? The WWE went all sports science during TLC about the size and strength of the stairs and how much damage they’ll do. The beat down on Ziggler continues through the break. Michael Cole still can’t be bothered to point out that Ziggler had two pins on Rollins before Sting arrived. Rowan gets the hot tag. Ziggler & Harper fight over the announce table. Big Show KO punches Rowan. Who’s Wheaties did Rowan piss in? Chris Jericho confronts Fandango about retrieving his Slammy. I’m guessing Fandango will have something to do with the Heyman match. (Next Day Note: I still hadn’t thought about the Lesnar appearance.)

Renee Young introduces The New Day. Xavier Woods acts like a hype man. Kofi Kingston acts like he’s doing jive poetry. Big E Langston does the preacher thing. Woof.

I think Brie Bella finally gave an explanation at TLC but I didn’t listen to it because I don’t care. Nikki Bella starts in a Diva’s Tag Team match against Alicia Fox who is teamed with Natalya. After a n Alicia beat down, Natalya gets a hot tag. Brie taps to the Sharpshooter. Tyson Kidd is tending to Nikki Bella. He tries to cover for his gaffe. (Next Day Note: I’m guessing Total Divas is coming back since Natalya is A) on TV again and B) Winning. Am I right? I haven’t checked Total Divas schedule because I’m not going to watch it.)

Is Chris Jericho going to start every hour segment? He is joined by Lana & Rusev for the Highlight Reel which is way different than any other fifteen minute talking segment. Jericho keeps implying that Lana & Rusev should sleep together. US Champ & Russian Tramp does have a nice ring to it. Ryback wants to fight Rusev. Am I going to finally get my long awaited crushing of Rusev? It wasn’t going to come tonight. Rusev backs out of the ring.

The Ascension will rise. Are they just a poor imitation of the Road Warriors or is that just me? The New Day is taking on The Dust Brothers again. Xavier Woods starts against Goldust. Kofi Kingston is on the head set. JBL wonders what New Day is hiding. Stardust comes in against Big E. For some reason, Big E’s sweat glands are an important topic. Who thinks that is a good gimmick? Seriously? Bad sweat glands? Hilarious. (Please note the sarcasm.) Kofi wants to know why the Dust Brothers have a problem with them. He wants them to shoot straight. Big E is getting worked over. Xavier Woods gets the hot tag so that the fans can crap on him. Woods dodges a kick and delivers an enziguri. Woods flip dives over the top rope with a Big E pedestal. The Midnight Hour is their finishing move. It’s a terrible tag move.

The Miz is not scared of Jimmy Uso. Adam Rose is ready to party. Kane doesn’t like him. Why can Kane make a match? Is that Jimmy Jacobs in the Exotic Express? Those segments meant so little I’m not skipping a line to denote a new segment. The match was only notable for the Bunny getting choke slammed. Kane then tomb stoned him after the match. Why are you making people cheer Kane?

Chris Jericho starting the 10 PM hour. Paul Heyman gets to coin the “Jew” in Jiu Jistu though I’m sure it’s been said before. Brock Lesnar ends up being Heyman’s ace in the hole. It’d be funny of Lesnar didn’t think Jericho was worth the time. Jericho puts up a minor struggle but gets F5ed quickly.

Fandango gets to brag for a minute before Roman Reigns takes him out. Big Show comes out before anything is said. Big Show gets hit with a Superman Punch before he can get in the ring. Big Show didn’t go down but decides to retreat.

Jimmy Uso is taking on The Miz with their tag team partners at ring side. Jimmy is getting the better of Miz early. He turns it around when Jimmy tries to attack outside. The Miz takes advantage for a bit. Jimmy takes back over. Sandow comes in the ring and Samoan Drops himself. The referee is distracted with Sandow so Jey clocks the Miz. Jimmy super kicks him then hits the Samoan Splash for the win. (Next Day Note: It seems separating Mizdow and the Miz is more important in really investing in this Jimmy vs The Miz story line. I know the segment below happened but the match was all about Mizdow screwing it up.)

The Miz & Damien Mizdow approach Naomi. He says he’s still working for her. The Miz wants her on “Miz TV” because no one watches Main Event. Renee Young gets to talk to Seth Rollins. He’s still complaining. No one is safe. Look at what happened to Chris Jericho. the Authority theme continues. He’s going to teach John Cena a lesson. Sure you are kid.

The cage match starts plenty early. Seth Rollins tries to escape early but John Cena stops him. Things are back and forth until the first commercial break. Cena hits an AA soon after but only gets a two count. Jamie Noble is keeping the door shut. Rollins ends up getting the air ball top rope leg from Cena. Rollins catches Cena with a spring board knee to the head. Cena reverses Rollins on a third toss into the cage. Cena doesn’t have the door closed on him by Joey Mercury. Cena manages to kick out. Rollins is being tug-o-wared by Cena & Security. Rollins gets an enziguri but Cena kicks out. Cena dodges a suit case shot and clothes lines Rollins. Cena goes for an AA but Rollins flips out. Rollins nails Cena with the brief case. Rollins is on the down side of the cage when Cena drags him back in. Super Cena AA from the top rope. Brock Lesnar hits the ring before anything happens. Triple Germans on Cena. F5 to Cena. Lesnar points to Cena. Rollins shakes hands with Paul Heyman. Cena gets Curb Stomped. Rollins staggers out of the cage for the win. – Kevin

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