Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of WWE Raw – 17 Aug. 2015

Walker Art Center in Minneapolis. Original design by Edward Larrabee Barnes and aluminum clad addition by Herzog & de Meuron. Picture from

Walker Art Center in Minneapolis. Original design by Edward Larrabee Barnes and aluminum clad addition by Herzog & de Meuron. Picture from

Stephanie & HHH come out beaming. They have really started to re-emphasize the cost of the Network as $9.99. The reports must not be giving them good numbers like Jeremy implied. I FF thru the Summerslam hype job because I am really behind tonight. I don’t think it’s going to move faster either.

Randy Orton & Cesaro are teaming against Kevin Owens & Sheamus. Owens attacks Orton as he signals a tag to Cesaro. He does get the tag soon there after. Owens & Sheamus are working over Orton after the break. Orton catches a break when Owens pursues outside. Orton slowly makes the tag. Cesaro beats on Sheamus. Charles Robinson runs interference to allow Sheamus some offense. Cesaro upper cuts Sheamus coming off the top ropes. Orton milks a hidden tag Owens tries to stop the RKO but fails. Orton hits it on Sheamus and wins. We all knew Orton was taking the loss on Sunday already.

The Undertaker welcomes Brock Lesnar to his eternal damnation. He’ll never rest in peace. Seth Rollins wants John Cena to accept his challenge face to face. Seems like we’ve got a contract signing tonight. Rollins wants a statue at the Stamford Offices. Steph & HHH agree. Steph smiles so that we can read into it entirely too much and say things like, they know they won’t have to build the statue.

Roman Reigns is taking on Luke Harper with Bray Wyatt & Dean Ambrose at ring side. Ambrose is on the head set. Ambrose is killing it on the head set. He talked through history of the Shield & Wyatt Family. The Drive By Drop Kick continues to be put through minor variations. Luke Harper connects with a monster big boot to finally get my attention in an otherwise good match. Reigns starts his come back. Harper gets low bridged. Reigns knocks him back out of the ring with a clothes line. Harper catches Reigns with a super kick. Superman Punch stops a suicide dive attempt. Harper catches Reigns charging with a side slam. Another super kick is followed by a power slam only gets Harper a two count. Superman Punch and Spear soon after leads to the win.

Becky Lynch is taking on Tamina with all of the other ladies at ring side. I would imagine that Sasha Banks will drop the NXT Title on Saturday. Tamina plants Lynch a swinging urinogi. Lynch comes alive with a missile drop kick. Tamina kicks Lynch in the gut. Becky rolls through a Samoan Drop into the Disarmer for the tap out win.

Lana is at ring side on the head set again. She tells us that she has a plan. Rusev is taking on Mark Henry again. Henry is at least being allowed to have a competitive match. Henry even gets to fight out of athe first Accolade attempt. Henry ends up tapping. Lana enters the ring  after they leave. She calls out Summer Rae. Lana slaps Summer and she falls. Lana tells Rusev to come in. Naturally Dolph Ziggler hits the ring. Rusev pulls Summer Rae in the direction of a super kick. Lana kicks Summer Rae. Ziggler kicks Rusev. We probably get another tag match at Summerslam.

Ziggler & Lana are trying to look cool and are failing. Ziggler is happy to be back. Video packages are helping me save time tonight. I may even catch up soon.

Ryback is in the ring. Big Show is on the head set. The Miz comes out with a microphone. He makes fun of Big Show’s acting skills. For some reason, they don’t talk about Big Show in The Waterboy. Big Show thinks that the only way for Ryback or Miz to win is for him to be double teamed. Ryback makes short work of him. Shell Shock for the win. Ryback challenges Big Show to get in the ring but he declines.

HHH & Steph start the contract signing. Seth Rollins lauds the Summerslam card. He again declares that he’ll be double champion. I’m starting to smell a screwy finish for this one. He finally interests me by saying the John Cena has held this group of fans hostage for the last ten years. Isn’t this material lifted from Bray Wyatt? Rollins is the cure for Cena’s disease. John Cena comes out and is in no mood to take a seat. He tells Rollins that he’s a cheap imitation of Cena himself. Cena runs down Rollins and declares himself the real champ. He wonders how he can pay back his broken nose. Cena reminds us that he’d be champ for the sixteenth time. Cena tells Rollins that the difference between Rollins to HHH and HHH to Flair is that HHH wasn’t ever Flair’s bitch. HHH confirms the no statue look of Steph earlier.

New Day are ready for the biggest party of the summer. Kofi Kingston gets to rhyme after Big E. Xavier Woods gets to finalize the rhyme but goes off. Los Matadores are teaming with them. PTP is with the Lucha Dragons. Kalisto gets the pin because we can talk about PTP losing without being pinned and how no one are friends on Sunday.

Stardust and King Barrett are occupying the same mental space. Stephen Amell is an intruder in his kingdom. Good gravy. Amell is going to bow to him Sunday. Stardust levitates a new cape so that Barrett can call himself “The Cosmic King.” I’m sorry for you Wade.

Sasha Banks is taking on Nikki Bella. The crowd isn’t as into this match as the earlier one. Sasha takes over with the double knee to the stomach. I just realized they’re getting a pretty big spot. Nikki splashes Sasha in the corner. An Alabama Slam follows it up. Sasha gives Nikki a neck tie neck breaker. The crowd starts chanting “We Want Lesnar.” Maybe it wasn’t a smart time to put them on. Nikki goes for the Rack Attack. Naomi distracts Nikki. Sasha rolls into the Bank Statement for the tap out win. Last team standing wins so does that mean single or team eliminations?

Paul Heyman gets to introduce Brock Lesnar and drops all of his accomplishments. The Undertaker went for the low blow because he knows he can’t beat Lesnar. Brock is not underestimating Taker’s obsession. I can’t stop staring at the guy wearing the Vikings jersey backwards with 69 & Lesnar. Undertaker appears and low blows Lesnar again. Choke Slam by Taker. Lesnar takes a Tombstone too. Are they doing this to make us think Taker has a chance? – Kevin

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