Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live & Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

My girlfriend’s present for her birthday was to not watch wrestling tonight. We had a great time eating dinner at Betty’s and then grabbing ice cream at Jeni’s. It’s put me behind the eight ball especially since I was a dumb ass and didn’t pawn this column off on someone else. Because it’s still the most important show in wrestling, despite it’s consistently poor quality, I think we need to cover it. 3 hours and 5 minutes of fun to come starting at midnight. Good thing I pulled a lot of all nighters when I was in Architecture School at Kent State. Let’s roll.

AJ Lee comes out and announces some big matches for the show. I’m plowing thru this episode so entrances are so getting the FF button. CM Punk interrupts her after the first FF of the night. Punk tries to weasel out of the triple threat match but it doesn’t work. John Cena hasn’t been in an opening segment in weeks so he comes out. I just noticed Punk went to the Lemmy look. It works better for HHH. I like recitation of facts. (Sarcasm central). Cena saying the champ doesn’t win in triple threat matches is the biggest gaffe of them all. Then of course Punk feeds AJ for his match of the night so we can close this segment out. Our choices suck. Thanks for showing up Big Show.

Shock of all shocks, Rey Mysterio won the vote. The popular guy won! (I’m getting the feeling this column will be sarcasm heavy. Maybe I’ll stop pointing it out.) Another surprise, nothing happens in the match before the commercial break. I do like the way these guys work together though. Hell of a feud. Oh my lord Lawler, Mitchell Cool makes a ludicrous statement about AJ Lee taking out her wrath on Punk and you sit there like a lump on a log then agree with him, sort of. Disagree with him for fucks sake. Point out that CM Punk interfered in the match to determine the number one contender. It’s not hard. Punk wins with the GTS. Nice. The WWE did pick good opponents for everyone except Big Show. Orton can’t lose this early in his return. Ricardo Rodriguez outshines Alberto Del Rio again. Too bad he can’t wrestle. Or isn’t in shape.

I’m digging the Fight Club remake of Wade Barrett. Fits into his previous stories too. Why is every wrestler dumber than a box of rocks these days? Alberto gets himself in trouble and booked for a match.

Christian gets to job to Alberto. Nice touch of having Del Rio dress and tape on the way to the ring. Sheamus has a head injury. Lawler is even mailing it in with his friends. No personal congratulations for Booker T yet. Sent him a text at least. Ricardo distracts the ref, Alberto nails Christian with the boot for the win. Ricardo left the keys for Sheamus to steal the car. I can’t wait for the visit around San Antonio. (Last hint of sarcasm.) Ha.

Big Show against Randy Orton kicks off the 9 o’clock segment. So, what’s the old mid-main event? Or is the Cena match in that slot with an unknown main event? Stay tuned for too long. Double count out. Just like any decent fan would have expected. Big Show misses the WMD which allows the Viper to strike. Yep, I see that guy winning the title at the next pay per view. (I fucking told you no more hints.)

I’m still not a big fan of Ryback. He’s rounding out some but I think his previous persona could still work. Tyler Reks & Curt Hawkins, welcome to your burial. He’s got a weak finisher for being a power house.

Primo takes on Titus O’Neil to start the match. Nice way of smacking down AW by pointing out his verbal skills. That’s a dick move. I like it more than apologizing for his out dated, no one would have noticed comment from last week. I hope Epico is the hot tag because he’s taking the pin fall. AW tries to get them to leave. Kofi Kingston & R Truth come down. Epico acts as surprised as everyone else when he hits the Back stabber for the win. Josh Matthews gets to ask a dumb question to Damien Sandow. He’s going to make us better. Ho hum.

The WWE makes the Funkasaurs‘s entrance interesting for the first time in a long time when Sandow attacks. Sandown pulling off the vicious. He needs to groom more. Trim down the beard, go with short hair. Stuffy doesn’t work with an unkempt beard and greasy rocker hair. At least AJ didn’t give Daniel Bryan a match against Charlie Sheen at Summerslam.

Kelly Kelly is taking on Eve Torres. Interesting. Kely loking sort of tough. Too bad she’s still a stick figure. Kelly Kelly gets the win. Have fun digging with Reks & Hawkins, Eve.

Shawn Michaels starts off the segment by sucking like he did on episode 1000. The match is the main event since Michaels, well, got interrupted by Brock Lesnar before I could get the thought out. They continue to talk real versus fake wrestling. Shawn starts his sales job. He’s good when he’s in this mode. Shawn is going to be in HHH’s corner. Brock breaks silence and stalks Michaels.  HHH comes out in street fight gear. New shirts all around. Come to Brock tosses some threats before leaving the ring. Ah, Sheamus was touting his locations. Fabulous.

Chris Jericho is in the announce booth. I’m glad my boy Dolph Ziggler is done with the goofy coats. I’m not even paying attention to the match enough to know that Alex Riley is in it. Jericho not doing a good job of answering a finally lucid Cool. Jericho starts touting at ring side. It costs Dolph the match. Chris is at an interesting cross roads.

The Miz gets to take on Kane. “I hope everyone realizes we’re on for a full three hours every week” Lawler says two and a half hours into the show. Moronic at best. Kane gets the win so that we can devalue even more titles in the WWE.

Oh that scamp Sheamus, returning the car all screwed up with dry ice underneath it and nachos on the hood. Wokka Wokka. Daniel Bryan comes down. The servant gets to clean the car. Even more hilarity ensues.

John Cena comes down with plenty of time to have a good match. Then Bryan screws off to start the match yelling no at Mike Chioda want to bes. Did I miss him tonight? Charles Robinson isn’t worthy to work a main event. More no yells because, as usual we need more than three hours and five minutes of wrestling on a Monday. Dragon Sleeper is what Cena gets to play Hulk with this week. Attitude Adjustment for the win. The ending was fun, solid match altogether. What the fuck, did they finish on time? Punk delivers a great speech then gets WMDed so that Show gets some heat back. How thoughtful of the WWE on an after thought An hour & fifty-two minutes of time elapsed for me on a 3:05 show. -Kevin

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