Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed REview of @WWE #Raw

I’m an idiot for making plans to go to Raw while the Steelers play on Monday Night. They should slap around the Chiefs but I thought that about the Raiders & Titans. At least I get the returning of Jerry Lawler. Thank goodness I don’t get to hear that disaster.

The Miz tells Paul Heyman that him and Punk are full of crap. The Miz quits the team. Interesting start to the show.

R Truth just cut his best promo since the invention of Little Jimmy on Tout. They’re starting off with a six man tag match with no one important. Another interesting choice. Sin Cara starts off against Antonio Cesaro. I’m not happy about Rey Mysterio wearing the Frankenmask. Nothing happens before the first commercial break. At least they’re consistent about something. Mysterio getting the job of selling since Sin Cara can’t get that right either. R Truth gets the luke warm tag against Cesaro. Fun jaw jacker from Truth. A 619 by Rey puts Truth in position to give Cesaro the Downward Spiral for the win. They are really forcing that rivalry. It’s a nice stepping stone for Cesaro.

We get Vickie Guerrero and John Cena recap. Why are Jim Ross and Mitchell Cool wearing the same suit? Why is Jack Swagger in the crowd? My girl makes a good point in saying that a PG show shouldn’t be having a slutty storyline. For some reason the English crowd is eating up the bad Cena jokes. AJ goes into a door. This hotel has more security cameras than your average hotel. AJ is back stage somewhere because she will give Vickie the beating of her life. My boy Dolph Ziggler knows what AJ loves to do. For some reason, Cena chases after them. This storyline does feel like the AJ baby momma drama without the baby.

Paul Heyman is talking to Wade Barrett about joining Team Punk. Barrett doesn’t trust him. But Heyman is going to owe him one. The crowd is bonkers for Team Hell No. Daniel Bryan is wrestling Cody Rhodes. I’m tired of noting the people who do and don’t have entrances. They don’t give a care about the in ring product. The match length confirms it. Two guys who can go get three minutes at most. Rhodes with Cross Rhodes for the win. Rhodes runs his mouth after the match. They go to commercial as they tease a Kane vs Damien Sandow.

The match is taking place after the break. Bryan gets tossed from ring side. Then Rhodes. Two guys dancing in their seats amuse me. I don’t get how the ref thing can be turned upside down after they were warned about two months ago that they’d be fired for one mistake when Maddox made it originally. Kane wins with a choke slam.

Brad Maddox is looking well dressed for a ref off duty.  Glad he’s trying to match Mitchell & JR. I love JR telling us when the low blow occurred like John Madden diagramming a play that was obvious. Maddox says it was his plan alone. He is disappointed about his lack of talent. Stop touching your nose. Alert, dead and buried horse time: Why is he getting this much time on mic when people like Cesaro & Truth are getting baby promos? The tag teams aren’t getting any storyline help. Vince McMahon is going to give Maddox a million dollar contract if he beats Ryback next week. Oh goody, another match to look forward to. Vickie Guerrero has to answer to Vince next. She tentatively answers his questions. So Vince big foots her on TV. Why does she have a job? Vince can do it.

Sheamus is taking on the Miz. The Big Show comes out to marginalize the Miz. Show is on the head set. Why didn’t he come out before the break instead of Sheamus? They say there’s 13,000 for the crowd tonight. I’m guessing there will be around 10,000 in Cbus next week. Chin lock to break. Exciting. The Miz is still in control. Show is holding up his end of the bargain. I could use him intimidating the announcers a bit less. The Miz is looking as good as he has in quite a while. Brogue Kick for the win. Dolph is pacing outside of Vince McMahon’s office. It’s now Team Ziggler. CM Punk complains to them about Vince’s ego. They’re teaming against Cena & Ryback tonight. Punk keeps asking “What is wrong with her?” funny stuff.

Fandangoo is previewed. Who got stuck with that awful gimmick? Sheamus thanks William Regal for all the help he has given him. Eve Torres and Aksana are supposed to be a hook. Yuck. They’re fighting Layla El & Kaitlyn. Layla starts against Aksana. I was busy looking for who Fandangoo might be to pay attention to this match. I mean, the ladies couldn’t have used any of the Brad Maddox air time. Kaitlyn beats Eve. A bit surprising that the home country woman didn’t get the win. Rosa Mendes sexily runs into Alberto Del Rio.

Kofi Kingston is taking on Del Rio because a newly crowned champ needs to lose. Why are Del Rio & Orton fighting in a Falls Count anywhere match? Am I watching TNA where feuds start with gimmick matches and end with regular matches? The announcers talk about the roll Kofi is on while he botches move after move. Del Rio dominated for a spell until his shoulder ate the post. Randy Orton distracts Del Rio. Kofi with a roll up for the win. Always a weak way to lose. RKO from out of nowhere. Del Rio is a boob.

Zack Ryder & Santino Marella are teaming up again. They’re taking on Rosa Mendes with Epico & Primo. Santino starts against Primo. I pay little attention to this match too. Cobra for the win. This is another match that could have used some promo time. It’s not like Zack proves he can do it week after week on the internet. Why trust him with real TV time?

The Funkasaurus gets more punishment for doing something with a shitty gimmick by having the privledge of losing to the Wade Barrett. Sheamus vs Barrett III is on Main Event too. I’m still not watching. Barrett barely executes a side slam on Clay. Souvenir Elbow for the win. The home crowd is loving it.

Heath Slater & Jinder Mahal of 3MB are taking on the Usos. Jimmy & Jey still get more reaction than I’d expect. It takes me this long to realize it’s a singles match. No excuse not to pay attention now. The eye liner is a nice touch for Slater. It makes him more hateable. Slater catches Jey going for the top rope splash. Smash Hit DDT for the Slater win. Congrats for weathering the awful gimmick to get your winning streak Heath.

I thought I’d be able to fly thru the entrances but CM Punk grabs the mic as the first person out. I’m down with Punk’s little promo. I buzz thru the rest of the entrances. John Cena starts against Punk. Dolph Ziggler looking tough against Cena so far. It should be no surprise really since they can’t have Ryback sell this much. Ziggler misses the top rope elbow for the hot tag. Ryback lights up Punk and Ziggler. Shell Shock on Punk for the win. The delay might be worth it. Cena and Ryback have a stare down. I’m hungry. -Kevin

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