Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

From the Bizarro episode of Sealab 2021.

From the Bizarro episode of Sealab 2021.

The WWE has returned from Bizarroland and is in the fine city of Richmond, VA. I know my brother isn’t attending. Maybe I should see if he knows anyone who goes to get “Live” reports. They’re so riveting in text. Let’s roll.

John Cena comes out to introduce Roman Reigns. John, even your best speech can’t sell me on the fact that you’re going to lose the titles. Dean Ambrose wakes me up. Kane, Seth Rollins and Randy Orton jump Ambrose. Why did they even let him up long enough to make the come back? I guess Reigns and Ambrose aren’t friends any more. Ambrose ends the assault with a Curb Stomp. Dean, why is your arm vertical?

Sheamus has to pretend like The Miz is a threat in an inset promo. The Miz needs a different jacket. I mean, rhinestone leather robes aren’t in in Hollywood, are they? Oh goodness, “The Moneymaker” is a thing now. Miz, I like the character tweak but the crowd isn’t booing you. He is getting a “Miz is awful” chant though. Sheamus gets tossed into the barricade. The Miz hits the double axe handle off the top rope. Rolling Hills by Sheamus. The Miz rams Sheamus into the ring post as they get back into the the ring. The match is so important, they are showing the participants in the Battle Royal for the Intercontinental Title at Battleground. Ten Beats doesn’t hurt the Moneymaker. I love Michael Cole killing JBL’s logic about Miz being the toughest in Hollywood by mentioning The Rock. The crowd buys the Irish Curse Backbreaker as a possible pinning situation. Sheamus misses the Brogue Kick. The Miz rolls up Sheamus for the win. The IC Title is unimportant enough for the Miz to win. (Next Day Note: Sheamus is unimportant enough too. I’d be fine with uniting these belts.) Randy Orton, Seth Rollins and Kane are getting along until Orton mentions winning the title. HHH replaces Rollins. He talks about trust between Kane & Orton. Steph is turned on when HHH takes control.

Dolph Ziggler came to the ring as they shilled the free WWE Network subscription. Fandango comes out by himself. They are in the IC Title Battle Royal too. Ziggler misses a drop kick due to Fandango grabbing the ropes. Fandango tosses Ziggler into the corner. Ziggler misses a corner splash. Summer Rae & Layla El start dancing on the announce desk. Ziggler hits the drop kick. Fame Asser for the win. He’s unimportant enough for the IC Title too. The ladies dance around Ziggler. He could use some freshening up too. Might not be add to add them to his act.

Damien Sandow gets to shill Sonic this week. Adam Rose and the Exotic Express join the shilling. The Usos get to Haka Dance after the really bad shill job. Erick Rowan & Luke Harper attack them from behind. Why are they showing a replay already? The beat down wasn’t that long. It’s a Two out of Three Falls match at Battleground.

I can't wait for the WWE to bring back Cyndi Lauper for this angle between Rusev & Swagger.

I can’t wait for the WWE to bring back Cyndi Lauper for this angle between Rusev & Swagger.

Lana & Rusev are in the ring with podiums and Mitchell Cool. Zeb Colter & Jack Swagger get the big entrance. Like many skits with Lana, I’ve glazed over before she even opens her mouth. We’re all stupid is her argument. You bring up excellent points. The Civil War was stupid. The ethnic cleansing by Stalin was very nice to his own people. Zeb Colter wants us to Bullwinkle or something. Hell No, Zeb ain’t apologizing. Lana claims that Vladimir Putin can solve our problems. Zeb just wants an answer from Rusev about the match. Lana & Rusev back out. Lana comes back to slap Zeb. Swagger tackles Rusev. Swagger puts on the Patriot Lock when Rusev goes for the leg lariat.The Streak will continue for Rusev then. John Cena is concerned. Roman Reigns is ready to take out three of them. They’re selling the Ambrose out a little too hard.

RVD and Alberto Del Rio are both unimportant enough to have the IC Title. ADR catches RVD in the apron to turn things in his favor. RVD with his getting too obvious blown spot. RVD with some clothes lines. Huracanrana is followed by Rolling Thunder. RVD kicks ADR is the mush. He gets him a second time. ADR gets the knees up on the Five Star. ADR locks in the Cross Arm Breaker. RVD really needs to think about retiring. (Next Day Note: I understand coming back to job to help elevate talent but he’s been losing entirely too often.) The WWE isn’t afraid to make money on CM Punk by pimping his DVD on the WWE Network.

Stephanie McMahon coming to more Divas segments to make us try to care about Nikki Bella‘s plight. Alicia Fox & Cameron are her opponents. Nikki and Fox start out. Cameron tags herself in. She has a match on Battle Ground with Naomi. Cameron knocks Alicia off the apron. Nikki nails an Alabama Slam. Fox with a reverse chin lock. Nikki powers out but gets kneed in the back. Nikki has a little spurt. Fox has a cool looking finisher. Too bad she rarely gets to use it. JBL’s logic with Brie is mind numbing. All Steph has to do is pick another Diva to be Nikki’s partner. Why Mitchell Cool & Jerry Lawler don’t point that out is equally mind numbing. Sting for WWE2K15. I might believe the rumors now.

HHH & Randy Orton feel like they needed more TV time. HHH admits that Orton will walk out the champ at Battle Ground. HHH always has a Plan B, dummy. Stardust talks about an Interstellar Road Map. Goldust knows they’re not in Kansas any more. Stardust loves blowing stars.

Cesaro comes to the ring without Paul Heyman. Big E has Kofi Kingston in his corner. Cesaro & Big E trade big moves to start. Big E gets dropped on the barricade. Cesaro waits for the count out. Double stomp by Cesaro as Big E just beats the count. Forearm to the back is followed by a clothes line by Cesaro. Another reverse chin lock. Chicken wing power bomb only gets Cesaro two. Belly to Belly throw followed by a suplex from Big E. Cesaro ducks out of the ring. Cesaro hangs Big E on the top rope. Cesaro tosses a chair at Kofi. Kofi snags a chair from Cesaro. Big Ending for the win. (Next Day Note: Completely baffled with the handling of Cesaro. What did he do backstage? Jack Swagger is in a better spot right now.)

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Chris Jericho comes out before the break. He gets to name a bunch of stuff he remembers. He wants to know why Bray Wyatt attacked him. I thought he’d been pretty clear about his mission. Wyatt answers by himself. Wyatt reminds us that he’s pissed about Jericho not saving us. Same message as before. The crowd chants “Boring.” Not sure that’s good news. Rowan & Harper show up. Jericho ducks under a big kick and backs away from the ring. Wyatt attacks from behind. Jeri stopped looking behind himself. Sister Abigail on the stage. I hope this isn’t even steven booking because that means the WWE feels the same way as the crowd does.

Paige gets the head set by herself. AJ Lee is taking on Eva Marie. What the hell reverse snapmare was that from Eva? Eva tries to stretch out AJ.  Eva nails a back breaker. AJ locks in the Black Window out of nowhere. Cool. Paige did a servicable on the head set. AJ comes over discusses the win with Paige. They try to out frenemy each other. Kane gets more camera time with Steph & HHH. You have to work with people you don’t like. Yes you do.

Bo Dallas post hypes El Torito then goes for the open challenge. The Great Khali answers. Ken pulls out Khali being Santa Claus. Completely forgot about that. Khali uses his power. Duh. The Lady bitching about Khali is more entertaining than this match. Bo-Dog on the outside. Khali gets counted out. Bo gets clocked when he tries to inspire Khali. We really haven’t had enough HHH & Steph. This time with Seth Rollins. HHH admits to Plan B on camera. Paul Heyman has a Plan C. Brock is almost back. (Next Day Note: I like the tease, but doesn’t confirm even more that John Cena will win on Sunday?)

Renee Young is hoping for her Suzy Kolber moment with Ric Flair. He’s only out to predict the winner of Battleground. He picks John Cena. Roman Reigns music hits. Flair ducks out. His appearance was as pointless as Bret Hart’s. John Cena comes out as Flair is on the stage. He gives Flair the WCW Belt and tells him to keep it. Are they going to one belt that easily? It’d be nice.

I catch up by buzzing thru the entrance for the rest of the crew. John Cena starts against Seth Rollins. Randy Orton comes in after a quick take down. Back elbow by Cena. Kane comes in. Kane knocks down Cena. Roman Reigns tags himself in. The announcers just mentioned Cena’s win over Kane weeks ago. So why is he acting surprised at Kane’s power? Reigns  drops the fists in the corner. Kane pushes him off for an upper cut. Middle rope clothes line by Reigns. Reigns gets occupied with Orton & Rollins. Kane takes advantage and they start a sustained beat down. Reigns clothes line Kane to get the hot tag to Cena. Five Knuckle Shuffle on Rollins. Kane comes in to distract Cena. Rollins drop kicks Cena. He gets to start his sell job. Orton hits a back breaker for a two count. Cena falls over trying the AA. Rollins takes over on the beat down. Rollins busting out the sleeper. Rollins goes for the triple verticals but Cena counter the third. Reigns & Orton come in. Big clothes line by Reigns. Apron drop kick on Orton. Superman Punch on Kane. Rollins selling a knee injury? The doctor looked like he rushed over there. Kane & Orton double team Reigns for the DQ. Orton ends up getting clocked by Kane. Reigns spears Cena. RKO on Kane. They want us to fear this happening. I’m not worried. Reigns spears Orton after he played to the crowd. Still too early for Reigns. Huh, no Ambrose. I’m surprised. One of the reasons I wondered if the Rollins injury was a sell job was that Ambrose is supposed to be injured too. An out for an Ambrose win? - Kevin

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