Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

Let the hype begin for Summerslam - From

Let the hype begin for Summerslam – From

I think I’ve filled everyone in enough about the weekend doings, IPA Day and I’m running later than normal so let’s just roll.

Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar get to kick off the show while my DVR breaks up. I know the signal is fine. I hope this doesn’t continue. Holy cow, Robin Williams is dead? I was just trying to pull up the score between the Tigers and Pirates. Heyman finally catches me saying that John Cena will be away from TV for a while after this match. We could only hope. Heyman is calling Cena’s victory was a fluke. Lesnar was still suffering from diverticulitis. Ha. Nice. Heyman busts out his own rhyme. Even better. I’m fine with being Brock’s servant. Loved the second half. (Next Day Note: I think it’s newsworthy when Heyman isn’t on for the whole promo. It’s a testament to how good he’s been.)

Roman Reigns hits the ring. Corporate Kane comes out. Six weeks before Summerslam, Reigns has to face Rybaxel. No one will be shocked when Reigns wins. They will be happy however. Curtis Axel faces off with Reigns first. For some reason, Axel talks trash to Reigns. When did he get a spine? Ryback tags in. They trade power moves. Axel distracts Reigns but it does little help. Ryback power bombs Reigns to take us to break. Reigns is getting slammed shoulder first into the post outside. After a double team toss, the referee calls for the bell. Reigns gets double teamed for a bit but turns it around. Reigns hits the apron drop kick on Axel. Reigns tosses Ryback against the post. Superman Punch on Ryback. And Axel for good measure. They both get a spear. As much as I may be tired of that as a finisher, people do seem to love it along with being able to chant “Spear! Spear!” (Next Day Note: Does a DQ finish then the beat down make it any different than Reigns just winning the match?) Renee Young asks Reigns about his match with Randy Orton. He hasn’t stolen from Orton but he’s going to take something from him Sunday. He’s still got work to do on the mic. Randy Orton runs into Corporate Kane. Orton runs down Kane. He says he’ll get the job done unlike his incompetent help. He has a match against Sheamus tonight.

RVD comes to the ring. Seth Rollins is his opponent. I did have a good chuckle at Ambrose describing Rollins’ new tights as super hero like because they do have that vibe because of the material used. The announcers concentrate on the briefcase at ringside. It makes no sense for him to have it during his matches. If he was the “Architect”, he’d booby trap it since Ambrose is likely to go after it again. Rollins is wearing down RVD with a reverse chin lock. RVD kicks Rollins in the head. Rollins misses a splash. RVD splashes Rollins. Super kick by RVD. Split legged moonsault gets two. Rollins blocks the monkey flip. Curb stomp on a groggy RVD for the win. He would have beat the clock easily. Rollins goes up to the stage and inspects Hogan’s presents. Dean Ambrose pops out of one he inspected. They have Rollins run away to reinforce the stipulation. Ambrose gets to throw out a $9.99 shout too. They really want people to buy the Network.

Are you trying to grow your beard down to here?

Are you trying to grow your beard down to here?

My feed starts to break up when Stephanie McMahon comes out. She brings out Daniel Bryan’s physical trainer, Megan. She has a confession to make. And she helps my feed. Of course she admits to an affair with Bryan. Brie comes down to confront Megan. She asks “Did Stephanie pay you?” How dumb are you? Brie attacks Megan and Steph. She puts the Yes Lock on. Stephanie says they’re going to finish the fight tonight.

Jack Swagger is taking on Cesaro again. Lawler has to read a long list of what you can watch on the Network. This campaign is brutal. Cesaro is working over Swagger’s injured ribs. Swagger catches Cesaro coming off the ropes. He belly to belly suplexes him. Swagger gets tossed off the apron onto the barricade. Break time. Cesaro loves the abdominal stretch. Eric Nelson still does not. Swagger side slams Cesaro. Swagger is an idiot and connects with the Swagger Bomb. Cesaro chops Swagger in the throat. Cesaro nails a middle rope senton. Swagger kicks out at two.  Cesaro goes for a knee to the gut instead of the Super Uppercut. Cesaro nails the upper cut next for another two count. Swagger picks Cesaro’s ankle on the top rope and tosses him to the middle of the ring. Tap out win for Swagger. Zeb Colter gets to cut a promo. Summerslam is now called “Deportlandia.” The Russian flag unfurls as Zeb goes for “We the People.”

I can’t believe someone is wearing a “Can’t Ban These Guns” (pointing at his arms) shirt. (Next Day Note: I should believe it because they are at a wrestling event. I’m an idiot.) Michael Cole was in charge of a sit down between Bray Wyatt and Chris Jericho. Wyatt continues to harp on the Savior point which no one seems to be cluing in on. He’s no savior but he is a monster. Jericho admits that he’s not a savior. He’s a survivor. Jericho promises to shove buzzards down Wyatt’s throat. Fun exchange.

AJ Lee comes skipping out. She is facing Eva Marie because, um, she’s on Total Divas? Paige comes skipping down to the ring. Eva Marie rolls up a distracted Lee for the win. Paige supported her tonight. She also wrote an apology. Paige gets to rhyme too. She will be skipping out of Summerslam as Champ. AJ attacks Eva. AJ skips around the ring and is out. (Next Day Note: They are definitely highlighting this feud but I’m still confused on who is supposed to be cheered.)

John Cena comes to the ring which makes me think Brie and Steph are the main event for a third week running? That’s got to be some sort of unofficial record for a Divas angle. Cena says Lesnar will not win. He isn’t laying down for Lesnar. Cena doesn’t think Lesnar deserves the belt. Cena runs through black and white chants for himself. When does John Cena say enough is enough? He’s going to be a Beast on Sunday to, to keep Brock from winning the Championship. This house belongs to the fans. John Cena has freed us from Brock Lesnar! Cena tells Lesnar that he’s an intruder in Lesnar’s “house.” Lesnar doesn’t come out. Cena conquers the Conqueror. Good stuff.

Ring House by Makoto Takei and Chie Nabeshima from

Ring House by Makoto Takei and Chie Nabeshima from

Brie Bella is in her ring gear. Stephanie comes out and tells Brie that Megan decided to press charges. Another well played point. I couldn’t believe they had Brie allowed the Yes Lock earlier. This gives Steph the bitch card back. I love it. My Lady thinks it’s horrible because he can’t defend himself. She reminds me that a married man cheating on his wife is not a PG product. It’s PG-13. Bad for business. (Next Day Note: I couldn’t stop laughing as I typed her words. I know anything goes in wrestling so it doesn’t bother me.)

The Miz is standing on the announcers desk as Dolph Ziggler and Heath Slater fight in the ring. JBL unplugs Miz in the middle of his spiel. Ha. More memorable than the actual spiel. Ziggler is easily distracted. Slater went for a cover after a knee drop. He doesn’t have much experience at winning. Ziggler jaw jacks Slater. Ziggler hits the Zig Zag. Ziggler attacks Miz. Ziggler gets counted out. Slater wins again. Lawler calling it correctly, Ziggler didn’t need to attack Miz then. Ziggler and Slater pretend to shake. Slater goes for a kick. Ziggler catches it and hits another Zig Zag.

Randy Orton come out to take on Sheamus. I’m going to guess that Sheamus had a biceps problem. I don’t recall seeing a reason for his absence. Sheamus gets the upper hand early. Orton jumps off the apron. Break. Sheamus clotheslines Orton over the top rope. Orton suplexes Sheamus on the announcer’s desk. Sheamus belly to back suplexes Orton. Sheamus hits a variety of charging moves. Orton ducks out of the ring again. They start to brawl. Completely forgot about Hogan’s birthday. Clubbing blows by Sheamus. I’m not sure why Sheamus thinks he could pin Orton after that offense. ORton with the hanging DDT. Sheamus battering rams Orton from the apron. Sheamus starts to mock Orton. They missed their finishers. Sheamus goes to the top. Super RKO. The crowd loves it. Much needed win for Orton who has looked like a chump for a while.

“Mean” Gene Okerlund is in the ring with Howard Finkel. #HogansBirthday. Gene tosses it to a nice video package accompanied by Bob Dylan’s Forever Young. Crazy how many years he’s been on TV. Hogan gets to shill the Network on his birthday. Hell of a pay day. Hogan loves the WWE Universe. Ric Flair‘s music hits. Paul Orndorff comes out still rocking one of the greatest mustaches. I expected “Rowdy” Roddy Piper considering he’s from Portland. Kevin Nash & Scott Hall are trotted out. Nash gets the mic. But gives to to Hall who is cut off shortly after “Hey yo!” Oh well. Whatever. Get your shit straight and make the time slot. (Next Day Note: Of course Brock came out to break up the party and Cena made the save. We still need hype for Summerslam to end the show.) – Kevin

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply