Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of Raw

A pair of old friends playing catch up. Quite amusing to know she missed the married years of yours truly.

I started this blog a lot later than normal. My friend Charmaine showed up in town for a conference. I hadn’t seen her since architecture school so it was bad ass to get to talk to her for a couple of drinks. I sucked down a couple of Burning Rivers from Great Lakes Brewing Company. I did get to hear the reception “Stone Cold” Steve Austin got because someone at the bar we were at had Raw turned on. When Jeremy texted me that Dolph (KSU! KSU! KSU!) was coming to Raw, I decided I needed to do this blog. Let’s roll.

I got to buzz through the Undertaker/HHH recap and UT sauntering down to the ring. UT selling his own demise. They’re trying to sell this match but after the last 2 matches with Michaels, can you really believe any of this?  As I finish typing that, UT brings up that exact point. I said in Audio 131 that UT/HHH will be a good match. I should have said (If I didn’t) that it’s not going to come close to either of these matches with Michaels. If it does, I’ll record the piercing of my nipples and post it on the site. No Holds Barred, I’ll take the bet still. Johnny Cash rocks. Cena with a final knock out. Austin on TV. Then Orton has the upper hand on Nexus but is over taken. Evidently Punk & Nexus are going to send Orton somewhere worse than the shelf. A GTS is worse than being on the shelf? Ahh, dragging him to the ring. Paging Mr. Cena.

Orton is still being beat down, now with 4 referees around. Otunga looking for his match against Orton. Orton already making a Superman recovery. Maybe not so much. The way he got up in the corner gave me more confidence in his recovery than it should have. Cole screams Orton with a slam when Otunga did it. This is the best WWE can do on play by play, huh? Orton hits the RKO for the out of nowhere victory.  Nexus finally smart enough not to allow the Punt before they come down. Ryan gets an RKO too. Orton keeps Punk at bay. Otunga gets the punt. Wow, I am amusing stuff way too early tonight. Cole rightly calls for a halt to Orton’s punting. He should be applauding it in his new persona. Matthews should be saying that stuff. Cole gets to hype his own segment right afterward. Right from sensible guy, to over the top heel within seconds. Fucking awful. And again, this is the best the WWE thinks it can do. I don’t think I make fun of the announcers that get KSU football games this much.

The Miz is boycotting Raw via Twitter. Christian gets a solid pop coming out for no reason. Del Rio takes him on. Why are they wasting this match up already? If he loses against Edge at WM, he can beat Christian for a recovery win. If he beats Edge at WM, Christian is an easy title defense. Thank goodness, Del Rio turns him down. Brodus Clay has to take on Christian. Cole asks Matthews how big Clay is then Matthews yaps about his impassioned speech on NXT last week. Read off his stats, you ninny. Cole back in full heel mode yelling at Christian. The WWE announcing is a disaster. Tenay still sucks worse. Felt that needed mentioned. Christian wins but gets assaulted by Del Rio. Alberto locks in the cross arm breaker. Rock’s response is shown.

Sin Cara gets hyped again. I guess he isn’t spending any time in the minors, huh? His mask is different enough from Rey’s. Bullett Bob still gets the shaft in hype for the WWE Hall of Fame. Sunny is the newest inductee. I saw very little of her until she was taking too many drugs, probably. Yuck, she wore a Penn State cheerleader outfit. Way to make that fantasy completely unsexy. Cole trying to make fun of Matthew’s announcing. Cole, pick on him when he actually fucks up. Vince, if you ordered Cole to make fun of Matthews, you weren’t listening to Matthews either.

Eve taking on on of the Bellas for the Diva’s Championship. Cole mocking the match to the crowd. Cole hypes his own segment. Really, if you don’t think Divas are a draw, take them off TV. Why are you intentionally fucking up your own product? The  “official” catches Twin Magic for the first time in wrestling history. The Bellas should have whooped Cole’s ass. They should not have been happy with Cole’s attitude and they were right beside him. Pop him and whoop his ass.

Cole is going to announce his referee. Cole respects Lawler so he choose a neutral official. I just saw a sign that read Autsin. Brutally dumb. Evidently Cole suckered me into thinking Austin was his referee. Nice of him to tell me when I’m suckered in. He then announces JBL as his guest referee. Mathews is forced to admit that he was suckered in. JBL runs down Texas. JBL hates bullies. The crowd is not buying it. JBL milking it so that Austin can screw up the signing.  Jeremy noted Austin’s new shirt. He’s a merch machine. Better than Rock’s piss poor offering.Austin gets a huge pop. Crowd loves the Stunner. Austin drinks mroe foam than ever before. Cole back on the head sets bitching. Cole should have swiped the contract when Austin turned his back on it. Cole is completely unbelievable trying to cry. Matthews cracks an awesome smirk. Austin gets to soak Cole’s fancy cream colored suit. I was wondering why he wasn’t wearing a dark color tonight. That sounds really gay, doesn’t it? Austin offers JBL a beer, JBL takes the bait. Stunner city.

Cole & Swagger are back stage. Swagger chimes in too late into Cole’s bitching. Swagger will break Austin’s ankle like a twig. Jack, you’re failing pal. Daniel Bryan takes on Sheamus. Lawler & Matthews talk about Sheamus’ losing streak. I don’t like the gimmick even if it’s a gimmick. Sheamus loses because of an injury.  This does no good for no one. Bryan has been an after thought since the reveal of Gail Kim. Sheamus wins the title or quits. HBK speaks out 2.

Punk takes on R Truth. A  Punk win over the high class jobber is happening. Didn’t expect him to win with the Anaconda Vice. Lawler tries to sell the jeopardy of Taker’s win streak. HBK does the best job of selling it to me. HBK harps on HHH’s sadistic side. Great angle. Vickie comes to the ring before a commercial break.

WWE shouldn’t be going Jersey Shore. Vickie announces Ziggler as a new member of Raw. It’s sink or swim time hoss. They’re putting you in the big time. My hype won’t do it now. So, does Sheamus quit and basically swap spots with Ziggler? I think it’d be a good place for seasoning for Sheamus. Morrison takes on Dolph. Vickie says they are business partners now. It really is sink or swim if she’s not his mouth piece from now on.

Ziggler gets his foot on the rope. Vickie still acts infatuated by Dolph. A thumb to the eyes, then a Zig Zag does in Morrison? Wow, what did Morrison do wrong? He has been pissed on since the Elimination Chamber. The Raw GM says that he only hired Vickie. Vickie has to win a match to get her job. She takes on Trish Stratus. Vickie freaks out. Security comes out quicker than it needs to to haul away Vickie.

Cena is the main event. At least they had more wrestling this week. Cena said Rock was offended by his rap, so he’ll offer him a Hip Hop response. I love it. He’s acting like a dick. Cena tells Rock to show up. That is a good trump card to have. We should post CM Punk’s Twitter picture of that. I’ll add it after I’ve had some sleep today.

I hope you check for updates.

It is 12:35 AM after all. Cena with campy stuff that ruins the good stuff. Cena reveals an  “I Bring It Via Satellite” shirt. Miz decks Cena to end Raw. Awesome. Miz is playing up being undersold. Security is nowhere to be found now.  Vickie is a real menace. Miz raps for Cena. He oversells himself over legends. Miz talks into the camera to the Rock. Miz tells Rock to Know His Role and act like Ryan Seacrest.  OK, this view is off putting for long periods. Miz with a Skull Crushing Finale to Cena. Miz does a People’s Elbow then finishes “Awesome”. I’ll probably be on audio duty again this week so tune in for more thoughtful analysis. – Kevin

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *