#ImpactWrestling – Total Nonsense Analysis

the-tooth-fairySince I lost my remaining three wisdom teeth today, I figured I’d go with this picture. Watching TNA might be worse than having those teeth being pulled. I’m hopped up on vicodin so that may make it more palatable. Let’s find out if it is.

We start off with a recap of Dixie Carter going through a table. Bully Ray gets to have a celebration speech. Devon barely starts his speech when the Hardy Boyz show up. Mike Tenay informs us of their classic matches between each other. I’m glad they didn’t make some dumb reference to the WWE. Everyone knows we’re getting the match up tonight so they end the segment quickly. Samoa Joe gives a little speech about his newly won X Division Title. I know I’m not a fan of his promo work but that seems a bit short for a champ who is supposed to reinvigorate the X Division.

Austin Aries, Bobby Roode & Eric Young get a short dumb skit setting up their match tonight against Rockstar Spud, Rhyno & EC3.  The first match is an elimination match with Tigre Uno, Crazy Steve, Manik, DJ Z, Homicide & Low KiTigre Uno eliminates Crazy Steve within the first couple of minutes. Manik then makes short work of Tigre Uno. These eliminations are as bad as a short Beat the Clock challenge match. DJ Z pins Manik. Homicide and Low Ki double team DJ Z. Homicide nails DJ Z with the Gringo Killer. The first four eliminations happened in five minutes. Homicide hits a senton through the ropes. Nice take on the suicide dive. Homicide Downward Spirals into the middle ropes. “This is wrestling” then “This is awesome.” We are clearly watching two different matches. Homicide dodges a corner charge. Low Ki gets out of the Gringo Killer. Ki Pressure (Fisherman’s Buster) for the win. Did everyone wait to watch the Dixie Carter footage for an entire week? The crew is still looking at it. Do I have to remind TNA that an octogenarian did this bump?

EC3, Rockstar Spud & Rhyno come out to the ring. Spud wants a moment of silence. They observe a moment of silence but the crowd won’t cooperate. Carter isn’t leaving until Bully Ray is terminated. Kurt Angle shows up. Cheap pop for NYC. Angle tells him to wrestle or get out of the ring. Oh, they’re not involved in the six man. NYC “cops” show up. EC3 tries to act like a big shot. Sam Shaw & Gunner have a sit down talk. TNA couldn’t make these talking segments any more boring.

TNA thinks the arrest segments are really funny. I’m hear to inform TNA that they aren’t. I laughed more at my dentist standing up to get leverage to pull out one of my teeth. Gunner and Ken Anderson have a match against each other. I like the angle they are working with these two and Shaw. I’m just not excited about them being in the ring. The crowd starts doing Adam Rose’s music. Um, okay. Samuel Shaw comes down to the ring. Anderson clocks him. Shaw attacks Anderson for the DQ.

TNA has been teasing footage of after the table spot for Dixie Carter. The “best” part is Bully Ray singing “Ding dong the witch is dead.” What a let down. Velvet Sky & Angelina Love hit the ring first. Taryn Terrell is out next. Gail Kim comes out last. The Beuatiful People try to double team Taryn early. Meeting of the heads between the Beautiful People. Gail Kim gives a cross body off the apron onto the BP. Taryn does it from the top rope to the outside. Angelina and Terrell square off momentarily in the ring. Gail Kim blows up her own strategy by attacking the bickering BP. Terrell attacks them bickering again. Eat The Feet on Velvet for the win. Wrestling for the ADHD. MVP, Kenny King & Lashley have a terrible promo too.

I’m scratching my head why MVP, Kenny King & Lashley come out to the ring during the next segment. What is the main event? Eric Young, Austin Aries & Bobby Roode show up. Roode starts against King. Aries gets some shots in and let’s Roode back in. The announcers remind me of the Dudleys vs Hardyz match. They haven’t hyped it the way they are Carter’s injuries. “Lashley has EY’s number” according to Taz. Everyone had his number until you morons decided to throw the TNA Title around his waist. I’ve realized I’m not writing this article like normal which is a review of each segment. I’d probably be writing more than I am considering how short everything has been tonight. For some reason, the ref was yelling at a prone Kenny King. MVP hits Aries with a crutch. Lashley spears him for the win. TNA is moving to Wednesday. Yippee?

The Wolves talk about building their name and cementing their legacy. They offer Team 3D a chance at their titles. Abyss is mad at Bram because he has Janice. I’m just shaking my head. You know you make another one, right? A Janice ladder match. My head is going to explode. Bram accepts the challenge. Magnus makes a screwing joke. The announcers reference the 2 on 1 then quickly forget. Stairway to Janice. Just, wow.

James Storm talks about revolution to a tied up Sanada. Storm tells the camera man to leave so he does. I have not witnessed many worse editions of Impact Wrestling than this one. Jeff & Matt Hardy taking on Devon & Bully Ray will not raise it up that much. Devon starts against Matt. The crowd is chanting for tables and ladders already. A side slam & leg drop combo on Jeff leads to an early break. Bully Ray is taking a beating. “This is awesome.” I really hate this crowd. I’ll give them a pass and say they’re punch drunk from watching too many straight hours of TNA. Jeff finally takes a sustained beating. Jeff with the head scissors take over. Matt gets in on the slowest hot tag I’ve seen in a while. Jeff tries to kill Devon who is on Matt’s shoulders. Bully Ray tries to hurt Jeff with a toss across the ring. Doomsday Device on Matt only get sa two count. “What’s up!?!?!” spot. Jeff takes out the Dudleys before they can get the tables. Twist of Fate on Devon. Swanton by Jeff. Devon kicks out. 3D on Matt for the win. Yep, didn’t raise the average of the show. It wasn’t a terrible match but wasn’t great either. Devon is so gassed. So am I from wading through this pile of garbage. – Kevin

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