Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

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I enjoyed a whole lot of beer over the weekend. That post will hopefully make it to print tomorrow. For now, I’m sipping on a Stone Enjoy By (9-20-14) Double IPA. I have to finish this growler tonight because it got cracked open for Saturday’s whooping Ohio State put on my boys from Kent State. I knew things would be bad when KSU lost to South Alabama at home the previous week. Who loses to South Alabama? On to something that may be as bad as both of those losses. Let’s roll.

Paul Heyman starts off the show in the middle of the ring. I’m about half way through the most recent Steve Austin show with Paul. Good stuff again. The guy knows how to tell a story even when he’s not doing a promo. It doesn’t hurt that he’s been in the thick of a lot of action. John Cena interrupts Heyman. I get a good chuckle out of Heyman telling Cena he’s giving people this match up for free instead of for $9.99. He can even make that over used plug funny. I’m quite sure I saw a commercial for the Network over the weekend. They still don’t have enough subscribers. They’re not spending money on ads. Cena is a dick so he only gives Heyman until half way through the show to produce Brock Lesnar. Cena head locks Heyman and walks him to the back.

John Cena tosses Heyman into his locker room. Cena gets the Great Khali to guard the room for a “comedy” bit. Chris Jericho is taking on Corporate Kane. You can make Kane a demon or a stooge, but he’s still a high level enhancement talent. The crowd is sitting on it’s hands as they go to break. Jericho gets the boot up on Kane. Jericho gets knocked down by Kane. He uses a stupid nerve hold. Kane hits some of his standard offense. Jericho drop kicks Kane coming off the top rope. Jericho takes a while but finally chops down the big tree. Jericho gets face planted on the turn buckles. The dreaded exposed turn buckle comes into play. Jericho turns things around while avoiding it. He has to avoid it a second time. Jericho DDTs Kane as he goes for a choke slam. Big boot by Kane gets a two count. Lionsault connects but Kane grabs him by the neck. Jericho drop kicks Kane low. Kane hits the exposed turn buckle. Jericho makes the pin. Kane undone by his own devices.

Renee Young gets to interview Roman Reigns. Male & female fans are happy in one easy segment. He’s getting the tough guy persona down here. He may not be the Rock but he has viability if he’s average. I wonder if Stunt Granny can buy air time on Raw.

Bo Dallas takes on Jack Swagger. Jack is on top early. Dallas dodges a charge to take control. This crowd stinks. On one hand, I like that Dallas is going with more straight forward offense. On the other hand, he looks to small to be going with that offense. Dallas hits a neck breaker. Dallas takes his time going for a middle rope knee drop. Swagger avoids it. He isn’t good with the big boot. Dallas hangs Swagger on the top rope. Dallas kicks his way out of a Patriot Lock. Dallas pins Swagger who turns it into the Patriot Lock. Why is that an inspirational win for Swagger? The announcers listed every reason he should win including his title reigns and amateur back ground. Dallas is related to IRS. Those are his credentials.

Almost as cute as Paige head butting Brie

More cute than Paige headbutting Brie but less sexy too.

Paige is teaming with Nikki Bella while AJ Lee gets to team with Brie Bella. Paige starts a systematic beat down on Brie. Paige with a super head butt. She continues to be sexy while being unladylike. Brie jaw jacks Paige. Nikki pulls AJ off the apron. Ram-Paige for the win. She has three finishers. Impressive. Paige & AJ have a stare down.

Bray Wyatt talks about death and conflict while weaving in talk of the Giant. I guess him and the Big Show are wrestling because of an incident on Smackdown. Paul Heyman comes out of the locker room to get cell reception. The Great Khali is no dummy and doesn’t buy the act. The Wyatts come down for their entrance. Big Show gets in the pops early. Wyatt is getting in more offense than I expected. Big Show side slams Wyatt to change momentum. Big Show nails splashes. Wyatt with his run into move. Seriously, how does that not have a name already? Luke Harper gets Wyatt DQed. Big Show choke slams Harper & Erick Rowan. Wyatt seems strangely happy about it.

The Usos are teaming with Sheamus against Stardust, Goldust & Cesaro, who continues his make over with a new ring robe which is quite dashing. Sheamus starts against Goldust. Cesaro gets to take over on Jey. He taunts Sheamus by doing the clubbing blows bit. Jimmy tags in against Goldust. Stardust gets the tag. He hits Jimmy wit a super Disaster Kick. Commercial. Cesaro doesn’t do the Swing. Instead he stomps on Jimmy’s gut. The Dusts are doing a good job of changing their offense. Sheamus gets the hot tag against Stardust. Rolling Hills into the clubbing blows on Cesaro. Stardust gets a pin attempt. Battering Ram from the top rope by Sheamus. Cesaro tags in. Brogue Kick on Stardust. Cesaro Neutralizes Sheamus. Jey Uso hits the splash for the win as Jimmy dives onto the Dust Brothers. I do look forward to both of these matches for $9.99.

Renee Young gets to talk to Randy Orton. Why wouldn’t I attack Chris Jericho? Randy’s going to give him the beating of his life. Orton can use any win even if Jericho jobs to everyone.

John Cena would have his hands full with this walrus.

John Cena would have his hands full with this walrus.

John Cena gets Paul Heyman at the half way point which is also known as the top of the hour at 10. Heyman gives himself credit for turning Cena into a beast for attacking an innocent. Heyman tells Cena that he can’t be a bully because of his code. Cena ends up pushing down Heyman out of the ring. Brock Lesnar comes out looking pissed. He smirks at Cena at ring side. Brock escorts Heyman out. Lesnar walks away. Cena seems surprised for some reason. Lesnar hits a German Suplex and tosses Cena out of the ring. Cena knocks Lesnar out of the ring as he saunters away. Cena starts pounding away on Lesnar. They get pulled apart. (Next Day Note: The WWE needed to show Cena could fight back so this worked well. One of the very few things on this evening.)

We now need to watch Total Divas to keep up with the Diva’s Division. (Next Day Note: The WWE is doing this to try and pull more viewers into Total Divas but I think that sucks. The reality stuff is supposed to be behind the scenes not part of the scenery.) Naomi is taking on Cameron. Naomi goes for the Cookie Scissor Wiggle and gets tossed to the apron. Cameron fore arms her off the apron. Naomi remembers to kick out the second pin fall. Cameron is stretching out Naomi. Cameron stomps on Naomi in the corner. Low drop kick by Cameron only gets two. Naomi turns a pin fall into some type of submission win. Too bad the announcers didn’t have a name for it. The announcers could have cared less about this match.

For some reason, Jerry Lawler is cheering for The Miz. Oh shit and Mitchell Cool & JBL pulling the hilarious idea that R Ziggler & Dolph Ziggler look the same but Damien Sandow & Miz don’t. I want to mute this match. Sandow boots R Ziggler in the grill. I’m having a hard time even thinking about this match the commentary is so bad. Maybe the announcers even need an off season. Every other announcer gets down time. I’m all for anything that keeps these bozos off TV. (Next Day Note: I need to pull out the Mitchell Cool label more. When Cool brought up the Miz costing Lawler a shot at the WWE Title, Lawler didn’t fight back mentioning that Cool was worshipping the Miz at the time. Use that reason for your flip flop. JBL should be pulling for the Miz though.) Dolph gets the hot tag. Fame Asser on the Miz. Sandow tries to hold off Ziggler. The Miz clocks Sandow. Ziggler with the Zig Zag. Tom Phillips gets to interview Seth Rollins. Seth uses his own against him by mocking the neanderthal line of thinking. Rollins tosses in a rhino just to make sure no one calls racist on the skit. Tonight, Rollins takes away everything from Roman Reigns.

Reigns goes right after Rollins to open the match. I can’t believe the WWE isn’t featuring anyone new in their main events – people who suck on the internet. Michael Cole finally explains his term “The Architect” to JBL months too late and far too little explanation. Reigns pulls Rollins to the floor. Reigns dirves him into the barrier and apron. Reigns knocks Rollins back out of the ring. Reigns tosses Rollins into the ring bell area. Rollins drop kicks Reigns outside. Rollins nails the suicide dive. Rollins misses a corner splash. Reigns with a modified side slam. Reigns with an apron drop kick. Superman Punch. Rollins jumps over the Spear. Rollins kicks him in the jaw. Two count only. Rollins tosses Reigns into the corner turn buckles from a power bomb spot. Follow it up with the Curb Stomp like you normally do! Rollins goes for the Curb Stomp. Reigns dodges and spears Rollins for the win. I hope they’re not in Cajun Country for the Night of Champions.

Holy shit. It dawned on me with the timing of that Mark Henry was going to be the main event. I’ve got no words for why Rusev should be anywhere a main event. Unless he was in ROH. Or TNA. Or anywhere but the WWE. I brined my pork chops which has a nice Jamaican spice rub waiting for it tomorrow. I also grabbed more Stone Enjoy By. Rusev & Henry end up brawling. Rusev gets in the big kick. Henry fights out of an un-applied Accolade. Chokeslam Powerbomb by Henry. So Rusev wins on Sunday? Lucky us. – Kevin

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