Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

I love me some Gillian Jacobs from Community.

I love me some Gillian Jacobs from Community.

Vince McMahon comes out with HHH & Stephanie McMahon for the opening segment. He tries to convince us that a free month of the WWE Network is going to make a difference in their subscriber pool. I’m not buying it. He grabs my attention when he says The Authority will get the boot if their team loses. The silence from HHH & Stephanie makes me suspect some larger plan that I won’t like is in the works. Dean Ambrose is greeted by Vince on his way to the ring. That makes me re-think my thinking already.

Vince is talking to HHH & Steph are talking again. The Authority look like they’re putting on faces now. They are acting like they’re not in on the plan. I’ve got to stick to my guns and not buy it. I just watched Smackdown before starting Raw so I blew through the Cesaro vs Ambrose replay. We get the match up again without the stupid Halloween trickeration. They don’t need it anyway. Cesaro dumps Ambrose outside. Ambrose takes advantage there. Cesaro is staying neutral in the Authority vs Cena fight. Everyone loves a good Swiss joke. Cesaro isn’t positioned to be on anyone’s team. Wyatt has a short video play before an awkward commercial cut. Bray Wyatt is on the ramp in his rocking chair. Ambrose jaw jacks Cesaro to turn the match around. Ambrose’s craziest move of the match is going for a pin after a bulldog. Ambrose goes for another pin after the sling shot clothesline. Super Uppercut by Cesaro from a Tornado DDT attempt by Ambrose. Ambrose connects with a suicide dive. Ambrose gets crotched by Cesaro. Dirty Deeds after Cesaro goes for a back slide. Cesaro deserves to lose for attempting that kind of sissy move. Wyatt leaves before Ambrose can confront him. Stephanie is wondering why HHH is calling Randy Orton. I agree with her. You can’t go down that road.

Jimmy Uso is taking on The Miz with their respective partners at ring side. It isn’t very baby face of the Usos to take advantage of Twin Magic. Jey is mocking Damien Mizdow by doing his brother’s moves. Samoan Drop in the ring. Miz gets out of the Rump Charge. Jimmy misses a clothes line. The Miz boots him in the face. Jimmy fights out of a chin lock. The Miz falls out of the ring. Jimmy hits the over the top rope splash. Jimmy distracts Mizdow. Jey super kicks him. Jimmy gets caught coming back into the ring. Miz wins with the Skull Crushing Finale.

Sheamus is taking on a laughably over match Tyson Kidd. Natalya is on the outside. Sheamus is putting a whooping on Kidd who only gets brief offense. Kidd drop toe holds Sheamus into the middle rope. Kidd flails away on him in a corner. Kidd rides Sheamus with a modified sleeper. Sheamus knee lifts Kidd. Alabama Slam. Sheamus puts on the Cloverleaf. Kidd reaches the ropes. Sheamus punches Kidd on the apron. Kidd blocks a suplex back in. Kidd drop kicks Sheamus out of the ring. Rolling Hills by Sheamus. Kidd throws Natalya into Sheamus for the count out win. Holy crap, they are really trying to sell the Network. I appreciate the effort by putting Rusev vs Sheamus for the US Title on it after Raw but do I really need to watch more wrestling after watching three plus hours? Really? (Next Day Note: I ended up pulling it up on the Network  but muted it so I could watch something else. I popped on the sound for the end of the match. No surprise that Rusev won the Title because his Anti-American is floating like a lead balloon. Why would Cena want Sheamus on his team? He can’t beat Tyson Kidd.)

Dolph Ziggler comes out for a match. Stephanie & HHH come out in town with the Stooges, Kane & Seth Rollins. They question his loyalty to John Cena. HHH is really putting Dolph over. Good for him. They muse as to John Cena’s where abouts. They ask Dolph to tell Cena to buzz off. HHH sells him the bill of goods. His character would be dumb to buy this line. Dolph’s only wish is to get them out of power. HHH threatens more problems for Dolph. He has to defend his Intercontinental Title against Seth Rollins next.

Even the girl from Degrassi know Ziggler is a loser.

Even the girl from Degrassi know Ziggler is a loser.

They are nice enough to wait to start the match until after the break. Only the Stooges are left at ring side. Rollins gets the upper hand in the early going. Rollins chokes Ziggler on the middle rope. Ziggler drop kicks Rollins. Splash in the corner. Rollins catches Ziggler on a second attempt. Rollins is in control on the outside when they break. Ziggler splashes Rollins in the corner again. Rollins Buckle Bombs Ziggler. He only gets a two count. Ziggler gets knocked off the top rope. Ziggler hits the Fame Asser after dodging Rollins. Enziguri only gets a two count for Rollins. He kicks Ziggler in the gut. Rollins misses the Curb Stomp. Jamie Noble hangs out Ziggler. Rollins Curb Stomps Ziggler. Randy Orton comes into the ring and RKOs Rollins for the DQ. (Next Day Note: To continue a theme I started below, why does Cena want anyone of the volunteers on his team? Ziggler has now lost to Kane & Rollins relatively clean. That would not instill confidence in me as a team leader.)

Randy Orton is asking for a favor from HHH & Stephanie. He wants Rollins tonight. Stephanie defends Rollins. Orton is handling situations they don’t want to. HHH explains that he needs both of them. HHH needs Orton in an uncomfortably close promo. He gives Orton the match but HHH wants it out of their systems. Ha. This angle is still destined for failure. They shake on the deal. They have a vignette with a whole bunch of eye balls. I think it was Luke Harper but I’m not entirely sure.

Titus O’Neil will not back down from anyone. Ryback music’s hits. He looks scared. O’Neil gets to use his power for a moment. Ryback hits the Meat Hook & Shell Shock. No surprise. Renee Young gets to talk to the Big Show. He think he deserves a part on Team Cena. Because you get your ass kicked? Show gets angry at Mark Henry. Show misses his friend but he’s ready to take him out.

Big Show and Mark Henry face off. Show tosses Henry into a corner. Henry back elbows a charging Show. Splash in a corner by Henry. Big boot by Show. Elbow drop by Show. Henry rolls outside. Henry throws Show into the post. Show tackles Henry. Elbow on Henry’s back. Big Show locks in his leg lock submission. Henry slows gets to the ropes. The Authority is still looking on from the back. Show went to the top but got tossed off by Henry. He kicks Show while he is down. World’s Strongest Slam. Big Show kicks out at two. Henry tosses Show into the stairs. Henry grabs the top set of steps. He rams it into Show’s shoulder. Henry World’s Strongest Slams Show on the lower portion of the steps. HHH sells Steph on his plan. They need one more member. (Next Day Note: Big Show lost his feud with Rusev and is now getting his ass kicked by Mark Henry. Cena needs to think about bringing people up from NXT.)

Even Will Ferrell knows Big Show is a loser.

Even Will Ferrell knows Big Show is a loser.

What the fuck? Raw is going to the Schott in Cbus? Kiss my ass. Smart move on their part though, smaller arena. Brie Bella is talking to Renee Young. Nikki doesn’t want her having mic time. Duh. Nikki wears a coat design that I should have gotten to before it became popular. Erick Rowan freaks out Young who flees. (Next Day Note: It sucks that Raw is going to the Schott. I was getting nice cheap tickets being a season ticket holder for the Columbus Bluejackets. I don’t get that privilege when they are at the Schott since it’s owned by Ohio State. I am a bit surprised realizing that they pretty much the same size. The WWE must have gotten a better deal at OSU.)

Nikki is taking on Emma. She is making a quick come back. AJ Lee is on the head set. Nikki cranks back Emma’s arms with her knee in her back. Emma elbows out. Emma cross body blocks Nikki. She misses a charge. Emma slaps on the Tarantula. Nikki drop kicks a charging Emma. Rack Attack for the win. AJ rightfully gives it a “Not too shabby” rating. Brie slaps AJ. Lee takes out Brie then runs for Nikki, who flees.

I didn’t think they’d even out the odds and have Rusev wrestle tonight. Zack Ryder is less of an obstacle than Tyson Kidd. Ryder offered his help for Team Cena. Because he loses all of the time? The Accolade. “Turned the entire match around” says Jerry Lawler of a match that lasted less than three minutes. Rusev kills me on the mic. Way better at being a fake Russian than Lana. Sheamus warns him that he’s in for the fight of his life tonight.

Stephanie greets Lana & Rusev back stage. This hire would make sense. She wants a return favor for his title match tonight. They have to confirm with Vladimir Putin. Sure, like anyone is buying that. Fernando is taking on Stardust. I missed the Los Matadores victory, probably while eating dinner no where near my TV. I can’t believe they’re relevant. The WWE needed another baby face tag team. They’re not the best choice. Goldust knocks JBL’s hat into the Miz & Damien Mizdow. Back Stabber on Stardust for the chaotic win. So we’re going to get a three way dance then. (Next Day Note: I’m all for dropping Los Matadores out of this feud. Heels fighting each other makes sense, especially vain ones like Miz & Mizdow going after non-Hollywood types in the Dust Brothers.)

I catch up in time for Seth Rollins vs Randy Orton. Rollins gets tossed out of the ring twice. Orton clothes lines him from behind on the second one. They break early. I still don’t go to WWE.com. Needed some Swedish Fish and water. Orton is in control still. Rollins Downward Spirals Orton into the middle turn buckle. Orton bounces Rollins off the announce table a couple of ways. Rollins boots Orton in the face. Rollins gets crotched on the top rope. Superplex only gets a two count. Rollins reverses a hanging DDT. Rollins nails a suicide dive. Spring board knee by Rollins gets a two count. Kick to the head again by Rollins. Orton turns a Curb Stomp into a power slam. Hanging DDT. Rollins back slides Orton for the win. Rollins is congratulated by the Stooges & Kane. They try to play nice with Orton. He shakes Noble’s hand. Then Mercury. Then Kane. Rollins & Orton shake. Orton RKOs Rollins. Orton clears the ring and sets up for the punt. HHH stops him and gives him the Vulcan Mind Meld. Orton punches HHH. Kane & The Stooges go on the attack. Orton takes them out again. Mercury gets RKOed. Curb Stomp on the announcer’s table. Kane & Noble were holding him by the waist. Steph looks pissed at HHH. Steph says “Finish this.” They set up Orton for a Curb Stomp on  the stairs. Rollins takes his grand time and still nails the Curb Stomp. (Next Day Note: Even if Cena picks up Orton, he’s a loser. Orton lost to Cena and Rollins.) – Kevin

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