Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of Raw

It's been a parade of men in trunks as the WWE shows off it's roster for the 40 man Royal Rumble.

Jeremy IMed me last week and said that he was getting the Royal Rumble. For some reason, it hadn’t dawned on me that I could actually buy a pay per view instead of watching it at Dusty’s neighbor. I have decided to join him in purchasing the pay per view so I’m going to type and talk my mind this week. That means I get the week started with a blog and a Leinenkugel Creamy Dark.

The GM screws Edge one last time. At least they’re keeping an ongoing storyline for a change. Someone has a shot at #40. Tyson Kidd is dispatched first. Wow, has Jack Swagger fallen and not just for this challenge. McIntyre is another guy in a downward spiral. “Who wants to see a smashed lap top computer?” Can’t say I ever imagined those words would be uttered on Raw. Even worse that the crowd popped for it. CM Punk and crew come out. Are they trying to show off all 40 competitors tonight? Mason Ryan officially gets a name. CM Punk cuts an OK promo. Barrett gets a crack on the mic. Edge is such a pussy for leaving when Nexus showed up. Nice big man show down. Mystery GM chimes in to make a Barrett vs. Punk match. The loser has their crew yanked from the Rumble. I’m going to have to count the roster size. They are going to exclude some good wrestlers and add jobbers which is royally dumb.

Morrison & Henry take on Sheamus (another guy who’s been in a funk for longer than I expected) & Del Rio. I smell Henry taking a pin. They take a match break at a predictable time.

Mark Henry takes on Sheamus, who looks like a pansy until the Rogue Kick. Del Rio gets the arm bar on Henry. Looks like I was a little off since Henry tapped out. Two heels should not be celebrating and smiling at each other. On should have turned on the other and tossed him out of the ring to prove they’d win on Sunday. Faces played patty cake like that.

Melina, who has sucked as a heel too, takes on Natalya. Melina can lock in some funky submissions because of her flexibility. Natalya with a creative way to lock in the Sharpshooter. That match was terrible compared to most of the women’s matches recently. Michelle, we’re flustered because you’re still on TV. Fatty Natty. They are so terrible. Natalya, don’t fucking act like a giant pussy. Those words didn’t offend you. My nieces wouldn’t even be offended by it.

Punk is preaching the power of sacrifice. Husky with a nice question. McGillicutty with a dumb question. Mason Ryan is playing a weird part since he’s completely in with Punk.

Smiling Matthews brings in Cena. Cena cuts a serious but subdued promo. Just seems off to me. Miz interrupts and sells himself. Matthews plays dejected well. Miz gets the crowd involved in his promo which whiffs of face turn. Cole tells us Miz still needs to get respect from the audice. Evidently Cole doesn’t visit our site. My Boy Dolph joins the broadcast crew for the Edge vs. Miz match, which will win any contests for shortest names combined in a match. We are getting an update on Teddy Long. I love how they make it seem like the news is coming in right then. Teddy Long’s diagnosis should have been before Monday. Another predictable break.

Dolph was on commentary on Smackdown. Both times so far, he’s been good but not great. Miz ducks a spear. Cole is still just inconsistent enough that he drives me batty. He is heeling it up at the current moment though. Miz finally takes over and they take a commercial break. Are they storing time up for something big later?

Dolph said Edge was going to be in the Danger Zone. Sorry I have to do this.

Ziggler Zig Zags Edge. Orton gets to beat the tar out of everyone. Crowd goes nuts. Ziggler is so not winning on Sunday. I think they might put him there later. Wrestlemania season isn’t the right time unless you get Miz’s tenure time.

Barrett gets more mic time. Barrett admits his mistakes. He does a good job of staying heel even though such an admission usually turns you face. Barrett denies the Teddy Long attack. Glad someone brought it up finally. Barrett smirks and says he respects Cena.

Bryan & the Bellas take on DiBiase, Maryse & Alicia Fox. We are a lucky lot. Maryse tags in and takes on one of the Bellas. Maryse gets a ridiculously cheap pin. Is Bryan going to start a losing streak because of the Bellas? Cole tries to make DiBiase & Maryse sound big but King shots him down. Thanks King.

I just buzzed through the Royal Rumble preview. The Bellas are arguing. Tarver gets more face time. Daniel Bryan is with Gail Kim! Awesome! Gail Kim says he felt sorry for them. Gail Kim nailing them to a wall! She’s the shit.

Santino & Kozlov take on Husky & McGillicutty. Another win for Santino & Kozlov is happening. If they keep calling the group “The New Nexus”, I riot. Oh, I thought they said that was a title match. Santino getting pinned is no surprise then. They get to introduce their leader for the main event. Why did some hobo give Cena a ref’s jersey and get Cena’s dog tags? That was a random ass event that was completely unnecessary.

They are completely stalling the beginning of the match with this dismissal garbage. Double ejection. Completely worse is the fact that the crowd ate it up. Nice blind side hit by Punk. Very much his character. Barrett gets to go Pearl Harbor on Punk. Cena outsmarts everyone. Thank goodness for the GM. Now that is what I’d call a bait and switch. Cena has to apologize. Cole has actually flipped against Cena. I’m still going to hate him. Big brawl between the groups. Ah, all of the 40 come down. Big surprise. Weak ending. – Kevin

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