Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

I had to make some dinner tonight. That isn’t a picture of what I made, but it’s close. I made some whole grain pasta with fennel, red onion and zucchini with pesto sauce. (Edit: Forgot that I added chicken sausage with spinach and asiago cheese.) It kept me from getting started anywhere close to on time. Starting at 9:45 is not a great plan, but it’s better than midnight. Let’s roll.

CM Punk takes on Big Show to start the show. How dare the WWE start without a talking segment? Daniel Bryan deserves a slot evidently in the WWE Title match. You had to know some type of angle was going to lead to a bad finish. Bryan ends up attacking Punk. I’m guessing we have our main event tonight. Nice little tag team match. Punk is pissed at John Cena for saving him. No big shock that AJ bounces her way down to the ring and makes the match. She should really stop skipping with the power woman suits on.

JTG is bitchin’ to Kaitlyn about not getting air time. Twitter complaints work for burying someone. They do have three hours which they should use more wisely than they do. Ryback is JTG’s opponent. I’m so tempted to FF. I did it for his entrance. Did I mention that JTG looks terrible in trunks? Why does it sound like Jerry Lawler is being broadcast to the entire arena. Ryback wins another squash. The crowd loves him. I’m pretty bored with him. Piper’s Pit gets put to a vote.

“Rowdy” Roddy Piper is not really talking to himself but to Shawn Michaels. Shawn gets an imaginary phone call from HHH.  Heath Slater is getting more mic time. R Truth comes out. Weird match. Even my girl is wondering why Truth is in a singles match since he’s in a tag team. She knows more than WWE writers at this point. Downward Spiral pretty much out of no where for an R Truth win. Um, okay. The Prime Time Players show up. Oh, Mitchell Cool mentioned that Kofi was out earlier. I’ve already tuned him out less than an hour into the show. PTP’s shirts would go better with their tights if they weren’t heather black. (Edit: Their act will be no different without AW.)

I’m showing my girl pictures of McKayla Maroney not being impressed as they review Sheamus vs Alberto Del Rio. Booker called off the match for Del Rio. Del Rio has a corntract (Edit: Not a spelling mistake. Isn’t this guy supposed to be learned and above everyone? Shouldn’t he be able to say contract?) and Booker can’t take that away from him. Sin Cara comes out for this boring break.

The girl is upset with the size discrepancy again with Tensai taking on Sin Cara. Wow, the WWE is really pissed at Tensai. Shawn Michaels is talking to some backstage guy with “relevance”. Piper’s Pit, next! Two shitty segments in a row, so please dear gawd, stick around.

The baby face won the vote again. We’re so very shocked that fans want to see the popular guy! What the hell is Chris Jericho doing with his hair? For some reason, a child in a red Under Armour shirt on is pointed out. McKayla is not impressed. Vickie Guerrero interrupts and introduces my boy Dolph Ziggler. Jericho’s hair looks like he got advice from Robbie T. I knew it felt familiar. This match is a little strange. Jericho should have a win but Ziggler needs it more. The Miz is not impressed with Jericho. So, why did people vote on the guest again? I’m figuring the dumb people will keep voting. Jericho assaults the heels.

We get a triple threat match between Ziggler, the Miz & Jericho. Ziggler is taking the coffee break first. Lawler finally making a coherent point to Mitchell about what he thinks of as fair. So naturally, Cool moves on to calling the match instead of having good banter. Yuck. The heels do the inevitable and argue. Even the crowd isn’t wholly behind Jericho since this baby face turn has been mailed in. Ziggler is winning at the commercial.

Dolph’s not even in the ring after the break. Lionsault then the director cuts to a crowd shot. Brilliant timing moron. The Miz gets the worse of a tower bomb/suplex. Jericho has a nice kick out at two. The Miz almost sneaks in a win. Jericho hits the Code Breaker on Ziggler. Vickie puts his foot on the rope. The Miz taps when the ref is distracted. Zig Zag for the win. Jericho gets the win on Sunday now with even steven booking. Eve Torres talks to a stretching CM Punk. He hasn’t changed. Punk is having a bad hair day too.

After FF thru more review of the stuff we already watched, I stop long enough to see John Cena run into a distracted Shawn Michaels. He leaves so that Cena can talk to CM Punk alone. A dude is just standing in the back ground. Punk saved his good material for John.

Kaitlyn & Layla El are taking on Beth Phoenix & Eve Torres. Just as my girl is saying the women haven’t been on much, Layla botches a reverse out of the guerilla slam. Layla dances after hopping over Eve. This is terrible. Kaitlyn is looking pretty sharp in the ring. Kaitlyn gets the roll up on Beth for the win. Too bad the women’s division still sucks.

I FF thru the intros for CM Punk & John Cena vs Daniel  Bryan & Big Show. I was expecting a commercial break before it started. Cena started the match against Bryan but Punk tagged himself in quickly. After some offense, Cena tags himself in. Bryan yells No! at Big Show several times. Show is in the ring when they cut to break. Snoozefest so far. Bryan now tagging himself in. Dissension on both teams! Punk tries to go for the Five Knuckle Shuffle but Cena tags himself in and does a sloppy high knee and a bulldog. Bryan goes down to an Attitude Adjustment. CM Punk is not impressed. Punk clocks Show with the belt then has a stare down with Cena. Josh Matthews interviews Punk. He says Cena is only out for himself and didn’t care if the team won the match. Even Punk is stuck in respect mode these days.

Damien Sandow is taking on Christian. We got a review of Sandow’s attack on Brodus Clay. Que foreshadowing. Sandow uses the steps to his advantage which Lawler points out should be illegal. Clay distracts Sandow. It doesn’t work. Christian is officially a jobber now. Shawn Michaels finds Brock Lesnar. No words are exchanged.

Brock comes out with Paul Heyman after the break. Heyman promises suffering on HHH’s part. He better to get some heat back. Heyman goads Michaels into coming out. HHH makes it in time to sign the contract. I was sweating that one out. Brock signs and tosses the contract at him. Brock then leaves the ring. I like it.

HHH and Michaels are talking in the back. Shawn is trying to talk HHH out of the match. Matt Striker interviews Big Show. There is driving commotion. Brock attacks Michaels when the cameras go blank. How dumb. I am not impressed.

HHH questions AJ who fills us in that Brock dragged away Michaels. I was wondering how they’d finish the show. Two segment final. Interesting. I’d have faith in anybody but wrestling writers to string together a half an hour segment. HHH is taking a comically long time to figure out they’re in the ring. Heyman threatens a broken arm. Brock breaks it any way. It was not as convincing as when it happened to HHH. Good ending actually (Edit: Even though the injury wasn’t convincing, it puts over Brock without hurting HHH. Simple writing can be the best sometimes. Take a hint WWE.) . -Kevin

McKayla is not impressed with my blog.

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply