I couldn’t be less excited about three hours of sports entertainment. I’ve got nothing else to start this review so let’s roll.
Booker T & Hornswoggle get to lead off the Slammy Awards. I Didn’t Just See That even though it was on TV. What a brutal set of choices. I want to unsee all of those events. JR wins for his dance moves. Oh shit, a rap off. Please kill me. Congrats on getting people to turn off your product.
Ted DiBiase & Mick Foley present the next award for Holy Shit of the Year. Except they can’t say it. They think they’re funny with their jokes. I’m not sure that was Orton’s best RKO of the year. I would have went with Bourne’s Shooting Star Press into the RKO. Bourne gets a nod anyway. Big Show & Mark Henry win for a gimmick that’s been done before. Show comes out to accept. He keeps it short and we finally get a match. Why is Wade Barrett his opponent? Barerage will take out Show next if he wins the title from Henry.
Why not come up with a new name for the award? You’re PG, why even infer it? Barrett gets DQed for using a chair. Glad we got a whole minute of match time on TV. (That’s sarcasm.) And another commercial. Woof.
“Road Dogg” Jesse James gets to present a Slammy. #Useless fact, I dressed up like him for Halloween when I was at Kent. My roommate dressed up like Billy Gunn. I have no idea what is up for nomination. Rock mentioned Twitter in the montage, drink. CM Punk wins the Pipe Bomb Award since he started using the term in the WWE. He gives us a montage of Johnny Wooden GM. This whole first hour has been filler. Actually, that was kind of funny. I especially enjoyed the 80’s style music.
Lita gets a TV spot after her little weekend gaffe. I just keep wondering why her license was suspended. Is she such a bum she couldn’t pay for insurance? She is awarding a Diva-licious moment. Our winner is Kelly Kelly. She needed more press. (That’s sarcasm.) When does this get interrupted? Right away. Lita is supposed to be giving her a rub by raising her arm. It might be the second best thing they’ve done tonight by keeping that segment that short. Santino & The Bella Twins present the OMG Award. All of these awards feel the same. The only good part of HHH vs Undertaker is up for the award. Of course it wins. The only moment that deserved that award was CM Punk winning. HHH needed promo time since I keep forgetting this match is on TLC. Nice of Trips to have a new shirt. We get more replay. Why did I start doing this column? All because my dumb ass went to Wrestlemania in Atlanta. HHH is right so he’s going to do everything at TLC. Thanks for nothing.
I got distracted drinking for the Trending Star of the year. It’s Zack Ryder vs my boy Dolph Ziggler vs Daniel Bryan vs Cody Rhodes. They get the match rolling then go to commercial again. They had a break right after the intros. This match is easily the best part of the night so far. Easily. Even better, Dolph wins. Zack wins the award but gets Zig Zagged for his fortune. I guess that means Dolph moves on to bigger things than the meaningless US Title after TLC. Good luck home boy.
Christian gets to present a Slammy. Alicia Fox & Eve has been escorts all night long. Twitter handle, drink. Christian keeping things rolling with the first good presentation of the night. Punk was not on the ball tonight. The Rock Challenges John Cena at the next Wrestlelmania wins because Cena needed promo time. Game Changer of the Year Award. I’ve really been paying that little attention. Cena is awesome for mock announcing the Rock’s appearance. Cena promises to change the game forever at Wrestlemania. It can’t happen, why promise it?
Albert Del Rio & The Miz team against CM Punk & Randy Orton since all four of them are up for Superstar of the Year. Punk in a walk for this award, right? Cool gets to beat down JR more on TV. What’s the point of bringing him up constantly if you’re not going to use him? Just stop. I know Cool “hates” him but he’d be better served being a better announcer instead of a shrieking idiot.
Punk is taking the beat down after the commercial break. Punk turns it around with a kick to the head. The crowd really wanted the hot tag. Punk doing the smart thing and taking the L on Raw. Not that I didn’t expect him to win on Sunday already. Del Rio & Miz do the smart thing and attack Punk. Thankfully, the Miz calls for the mic and not Del Rio. So, why aren’t the wrestlers walking out now since Johnny Wooden GM has lost control of the show? Miz does nothing for me this time. Mark Henry & John Cena are up for the Superstar of the Year too.
Vickie Guerrero & Goldust get the Slammy for WWE A Lister of the Year. The Muppets should win. Vickie had a hand in all of these situations except Cee-Lo Green. Snooki tweeted something about the WWE earlier so she knew something was up. Snooki does more for Raw than the Rock. At least in content for tonight. Josh Matthews gets to interview Mark Henry. He’s going to win, no problems with anyone. What he should be saying in other words.
Sheamus gets to beat down Jinder Mahal. They can’t even get him heat by having him speak in a foreign language. Sheamus brogue kicks him for what ends up being no match. Twitter bat signal. Drink.
Rey Mysterio gets to announce the WWE Superstar of the Year. Good spot to put him. It’d be bad ass if he got in another good year then retires before something else goes wrong. CM Punk wins, no big surprise. He deserves it. He gets no pop because it would have been his third appearance. And he should be selling the assault. Johnny Wooden GM accepts for him. I suppose there is supposed to be some symmetry in Punk making fun of Johnny during his first acceptance speech and this one. We don’t care even if we recognize. Not sure who the video with the creepy girl is to refer to. I’m not getting the Control. extra this week.
Nice tribute to one of the soldiers having her husband and son on. I was expected a much younger child. Mark Henry lumbers out first. Cena comes out. Wow, commercial already after one lock up. We’re told Henry dominated during the break. Cena doing a terrible wobbly act right into a Five Knuckle Shuffle? Just bad. The lights go out and Kane arrives while Cena & Henry are down. They’ve tweaked his music. Kane is sporting a new mask. It looks a little Predator like. Choke slam to Cena. He unveils his new mask. Cool. -Kevin